Category: Wildman Journey (Page 79 of 87)

When it comes to “soul talk” men in general are silent, due in part to not being familiar with the idea.  We often do not have the language or even the courage to talk about our inner life.  We need a “soul friend.”   Writing about such a friend, Eugene Peterson made this observation:  “Each of us has contact with hundreds of people who never look beyond our surface appearance.  We have dealings with hundreds of people who the moment they set eyes on us begin calculating what use we can be to them, what they can get out of us….and then someone enters our life who isn’t looking for someone to use, is leisurely enough to find out what’s really going on in us….and understands the difficulty of living out our inner convictions…a friend.” 

I am reading a book by Wes Yoder entitled “Bond of Brothers.”  I highly recommend this book to anyone who is a reader of this blog.  Yoder has some very insightful observations about men that are stated in a fresh, new way.  I have read a lot of books on men.  But with Yoder’s book I found myself having many “aha moments.”   For me personally and for the men I have worked with over the years this book is like a fresh breeze and refreshing water.   Yoder has a great statement on the conversations that men have with each other. “The perfect conversation for men with little to say can be summed up in eight words, ‘Can you believe the weather at that game?'”  I find this to be so true.  Men are great at talking about the weather and sports.  Go to any coffee shop in the morning and you will find this to be true.  Just add a little politics and talk about women. 

What we so desperately need is to be able to break the silence of not talking about our soul life.  This will not happen till we find other men who are willing to share in soul talk.  We need the company of other soul mates to share our inner stuff without fear of rejection.  The fear of rejection can be great among men, who have shut down soul talk because of guilt and shame.  We don’t want others to know who we really are.  Yoder says we need to “declare war on shallowness.” To begin to do this we have to admit our weakness and brokenness when it comes to sharing out hearts.

Let me close with one more quote from Yoder.  “Many people will do almost anything to avoid to the openness of spiritual friendship.  Religion offers the perfect fix for your troubles, but as your friend, I must offer you my weakness.  Instead of perfection, I can promise you only brokenness.  Together we invite Jesus into our shared brokenness and he – the incarnate Christ of God alive within us – can do the work of remaking what is left of the mess we have made of ourselves.”  Yoder’s comments remind me of the 12 Steps of AA and our having to admit that our life is unmanageable.  Find a friend or find a group of guys who subscribe to the 12 Steps.  There you will find men who will share out of their brokenness.  If you can’t find a group, find one guy in your circle of acquaintances and make a commitment together to share you inner life, based on the 12 Step principles.

John Cole in an article published in the “Journal of Spiritual Formation and Soul Care” warns Christians about falling into “moral tempation.”  He defines moral temptation as “the attempt to deal with our spiritual failure, guilt and shame by means of spiritual efforts, by attempting to perfect one’s self in the power of the self.”  Cole maintains that this is a form of moralism that actually protects us from God.  I find this insight very intriguing.  He refers to Dallas Willard in noting that we are all born legalist.  “What a waste of life,” says Willard, “to spend it trying to be good just to keep from seeing the truth of oneself.”  We don’t start out being a moralist spiritually.  It starts to occur when we don’t believe that God will accept us in a postion of honest vulnerability.  We then begin to use spiritual practices to protect us from God

How do we do this?  We can  use religious practices to first,  hide from feelings of failure and guilt by repression of the truth about ourselves.  Second, we cover deep feelings of shame over sin by trying to be good.  It will become apparent that we are practicing hiding from the truth about ourselves and trying to cover up our feelings of shame, if we feel that we must do better in our spiritual life.  This is a sure sign of moralism – we are forgiven but still feel unacceptable.  Thus we use religious practice to make ourselves acceptable.  It can’t be do.  Cole points out that, “using obedience as a means to avoid painful self-awareness in an awful burden to bear.”  It is a waste of much spiritual energy.

The remedy for this kind of moral temption, is to pray from our hearts the prayer of the tax collector, who was in church praying with the pharisee, “God, have mercy on me, a sinner” (Luke 18:12).  This was honest, sincere praying.  A real man praying to the real God. Three realities are found in this heart-felt prayer.  First of all, by addressing God in earnestness he was not hiding from God.  He was saying, “God, I am being honest and open with you.”   Second, the tax man, know he could not achieve an open relationship with God on his own.  He was saying, “God only you can save me from myself.”  Third, he was honest about who he was.  “Lord,” he is saying, “I am sinful.  I am not pretending to something else.” 

Again, men, none of us start out to become a spiritual moralist.  It happens when we are not willing to be honest and vulnerable before the Lord for fear of being exposed and rejection.  But the fact is that our heavenly Father knows all of our attempts to hide and cover up.  He waits for us to get tired enough of our “spiritual preforming” so that we can open our hearts to his deep love for us not like we should be but as we are.  It does not means that we don’t have to change.  But  real change will not happen till know that we loved in all of our shame and vulnerability.  Then we will feel free to stop performing and have the courage to bring our real selves into God’s presence for healing and restoration.

Often when men gather for “wildman” saturdays the conversation will often turn to the struggle  men have with feeling inferior “spiritually”, especially to our wives.  I suppose this reflects part of our competitive nature.  That is why it is good for men to process their feelings about spirituality with other men, since most men have the same struggles.  We can help affirmed in each other healthy expressions of the spiritual life, which is obviously different from our wives.  But because women seem to be able to express themselves more confidently spiritual, men tend to take a “back seat” to our wives.  As Parker Palmer observed “the soul is shy.”  This is very true of men. 

It comes as a breath of fresh air, for men to be able to acknowledge their weakness and feelings of powerlessness, knowing that God works through weakness.  We are reminded of the words Paul received from the Lord, when he was struggling with his weakness.  The Lord said to Paul, “‘My grace is enough; it’s all you need.  My strength comes into its own in your weakness.’  Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen.  I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness.” (II Cor 12:9 – The Message).  What a relief for men.  We can actually give our weakness to Christ and gain his strength

I was reminded of this fact, when I was meditating recently in Hebrews.  Several times writer of Hebrews exhorts us to be confident.  Again because our male tendencies, we have a hard time admitting that we don’t feel very confident in our walk with God.  We wonder more about failure then walking humbly and loving with the Lord.  In Hebrews 4:16 we have this encouragement given to  us.  “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” (Heb. 4:16)  The Message puts it this way.  “So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give.  Take the mercy, accept the help”

What can we take from this verse?  It seems that God far more ready to give us the help that we need then we are willing to ask.  We are able to come with confidence.  Th help that we need is available.  But to receive the help, we must admit our weakness and need.  Grace and mercy are available to those who have a need.   So God doesn’t expect us to come to him all “cleaned up and polished.”  We are to come as we are.  We come in our need and and our weakness.  It is then that we can experience the strength and power of God in our lives.

Richard Bode in his book “First you have to row a little boat” has this to say about life, “The day will come when I will die.  So the only matter of consequence before me is what I will do with my allotted time.  I can remain on shore, paralyzed with fear, or I can raise my sails and dip and soar in the breeze.”  I shared this quote along with two stories of Jesus in Mark, one with him in the boat and the other with him on the water, with some spiritual companions last Saturday.  It seemed to have spoken to the fear and uncertainy of some on their spiritual journey.

I have been thinking about this quote for myself as a man.  I don’t think that I am alone in my reluctance to get  in the boat and go out to sea.  I prefer the shore where it is safe and I am in control.  Getting in the boat means a lot of uncertainty.  One way I would like to suggest that we as men need to risk getting in the boat is in regard to our relationships.  You see we can stay on the shore, be uninvolved emotionally, especially with our wives, attempting to stay in control and make rational sense of the storm.  It just will not happen.   

What God is wanting us to do is to get out there on the sea, that is, the sea of emotional turbulance, when we encounter an “emotional storm” with our wives.  For most men, this is a fearful event, since we have no idea how or when the storm will ease up.  But our task, as men is to stay in the boat and ride out the storm.  Now take the two stories of Jesus found in Mark 4:35-41 and Mark 6:45-52 and apply them to our being in the storm.  In the first passage, Jesus in asleep in the boat with his disciples.  So I can take heart that He knows my fear and uncertainty.  In The Message the disciples are addressed by the following words, “Why are you such cowards?  Don’t you have any faith at all?”  I can easily be a coward when I emotionally turn away from the storm.  Jesus wants me to have faith not in my ability to endure the storm, but in His presence with me.  I am not supposed to avoid the storm, but stay in the storm, learning how Jesus wants me to respond.

In the second passage, Jesus comes walking on the water during a storm.  The text tells us, “He (Jesus) intended to go right by them.”  Jesus know full well their fear of the storm.  He wanted them to notice His presence in the storm.  But they thought it was a ghost.  So He tells them, “Courage!  It’s me.  Don’t be afraid.”  Wow, this is a good word for us as men in the emotional storm.  Far to often we think we are all alone in the emotional storm, trying to figure out how to get throught the turbulance.  But Jesus is right there saying to us as men, “Courage!  It’s me.  Don’t be afraid.”  In other words, he is saying, “I know how you feel and what you are going through emotionally.  I’m really here with you.  Look to me for help to know how to respond properly in the emotional storms.  I’m not a ghost.  I am here for you.” 

So men take courage and be willing to endure the emotional storms in your relationships, especially with your wives.  Jesus’ presence is with you.  He will help you with the right responses.  He will give you the grace and emotional strength to endure and learn from the storms.

For the men who regularly read this blob, you are aware that I missed a week.  I was gone for a couple of weeks with “my bride”, visiting our two sons and their families in Kansas City and Colorado Springs.  For me as a Dad, it has been rewarding  to watch both my sons grow in their calling to service the Lord.  I rejoice likewise in seeing my daughter grow and mature into a wonderful Christian woman, who is an example to me of a dedicated mother of three grandsons and a wife of a service man (Leif is a Chaplin in the Air Force).  Since my recent experience has beenwith my sons, I have been doing some reflecting on my relationship with both of them.  The following is for the “whatever is worth department.”  (If you read this post, Ann Marie, be assured I find it a similiar privilege to “speak into your life.”)

I have had the privilege now, for several years of “speaking  into the life” of my two sons, regarding their careers and personal life.  This has been a deep joy for me.  I am aware that there are Dads who are not able to do this.  As for myself, I cherish this privilege.  I have had to earn this position by believing in my sons and knowing that God can use them in significant ways. For me it has meant practicing three thing; visualizing growth, encouragement, and clarifying.  For the sake of any Dads reading this post, who are wondering how they can help their grown sons, I would share these three practices.  Notice they have  nothing to do with correcting, instructing or directing.  It is all about having your son come to an awareness on his own as to how God is both leading him and forming his life. I believe it is imperative not to be “direct” but to be “indirect.”  Help you son see for themselves.

 Visualizing growth  is simply pointing out  how they are growing in their profession and personal life.  Often it is through the difficult times that the most growth takes place.  Since a Dad knows his son fairly well, pointing growth can be very obvious.  It might not be to one of my sons, but for me as “Dear Old Dad” the growth in confidence, maturity and character formation can easily be recognized because I know them very well.  Dads, don’t miss the opportunity to visualize growth.  I never had a Dad who did this for me.  I was left to “measure” my own life without the voice of my Dad.   Help your son “measure” his growth by your caring, loving and thoughtful insights.  Remember these are not directives. 

Encouragement can like a deep drink of fresh spring water in a dry and difficult season.  As your son grows in his personal live and career, he will need “cheerleaders” in his corner.  There is no one more important then Dad, cheering him on.  Again, I had very few words of encouragement from my Dad.  He just was not very good in those kind of conversations.  I longed for my Dad’s approval, but I never heard it from him.  I think he thought I turned out alright, but it sure would have been refreshing to my soul to here it as I struggled in my early years of manhood.  Dads, don’t waste or neglect the times you will have to encourage your son in his journey into manhood.  The voice of Dad is very important.

The third practice is that of clarifying.  Since I know both Mark and Kurt so well, I can help them clarify what is going on in their lives.  I don’t necessary tell them directly, but help them to see what is going on in their circumstances and how it is effecting their individual lives.  I know when I was their age, life could get pretty confusing and uncertain at times.  How I wish I could have heard the loving, caring voice of Dad helping me have a better perspective on my journey.    So Dads, when you have the opportunity to give clarification to your son, take that opportunity as a privilege.  Your son would like to know what you think.  Don’t go silent on him.  Pray for guidance and direction as to what to say.

I am stuck with the relevance of the story of Jesus coming to the disciples on the water during a storm in Mark 6:45-52.  It a wonderful metaphor for men who find themselves in the midst of inner storms when things don’t go so well in personal relationships.  It can feel like chaos inside, because we are not able to manage our unrully emotions.  We don’t like to be out of control, not knowing how to handle on our emotions.  So we try to ignore avoid them or at least control the chaos.  But the price we pay is that of having our emotions become our enemy rather then our friend.  To befriend our emotions is welcome them as servants, helping us to have meaningful relationship with others.  Relationships have much more to do with heart and head alone.  But we have to deal with the fear of exposure of our hearts

The story tells us that they were “in the middle of the lake” where “the wind was against them.”  The disciples were “straining at the oars.”  What a picture of our inner chaos in the moments of emotional tension with others.  We are in the middle of a “inner storm” “straining so hard to get out of the situation.  Then Jesus comes, not stopping to help, but seeming to pass by.  Why?  Could it be that he is waiting for us to realize that he is right there in the storm and to cry out for help.  We often don’t know he is there.  We only have a mental picture of Jesus, that is, he is like a ghost, not really able to help.  A  mental picture but not a true soul friend who can help from the inside out.

They cry out to him terrified because they don’t recognize Jesus.  Likewise we often don’t recognize Jesus in midst of our inner storms.  The best we can do is cry out because we are terrified by this inner storm.  Because they cried out, Jesus responds by getting into the boat.  Similarly Jesus waits for our cry so that he can be in the boat with us.  The Message puts it this way. “Jesus was quick to comfort them: ‘Courage.  It’s me.  Don’t be afraid.'”  Wow, there are times when I need to hear those words.  Have courage, Al.  Stay in the storm.  Don’t live in denial.  Jesus is in the storm with me.  He lets me know – “It’s me.”  This can give me courage to let him straighten out the storm.  I don’t have to be afraid.

The take away from this story can be of encouragement to men.  We might not always know why there is a Storm on the insid  but we can be confident that Jesus will be there in the midst of the storm.  I need to recognize that Jesus is with me.  Once he is in the boat the wind dies down.  Have I gotten some new understanding regarding my emotions when Jesus is invited into my boat?  Maybe some.  But what is most important is the realization again that Jesus is in the storm.  Only he has the insight into how to tame my unruly emotions and replace them with the fruit of the Spirit.

Larry Crabb in his book “The Silence of Adam” points out that when Adam and Eve were tempted by Satan in the Garden, it was Eve who spoke.  Adam was silent.  Adam was passive.  He was physically present but emotionally absent.  His sin began with his silence.  Crabb observes, “God’s speaking brought creation out of chaos; Adam’s silence brought chaos back into creation. Remember that God used language to establish relationship; Adam used silence to destroy relationship.” 

The more I think about this insight from Crabb, the more it seems to reflect a basic fear I have in my soul, when it comes to intimate relationship with my wife.  I fear moving into and speaking into the chaos produced by tension in our relationship.  I feel insecure speaking and moving into the darkness.  In the darkness of relational tension I feel out of control, not knowing where our conversation is going.  My guess is that many men who read this blog would say “Amen” to my personal observation.  Crabb believes, “Many men are convinced that the confusion of relationships and the uncertainty of the future can destroy us.  So they remain silent.  When we are silent they deny the existence and goodness of God.”  Men will use silence as a defense against chaos.

So what is a man to do?  Speaking from personal experience, we have to face our fear and insecurity.  As men we will simply never be able to control the dynamics of intimate conversation with our wives.  It was never meant to be so.  We are called to enter into the uncertainty of the darkness by both listening with our hearts and then speaking from our hearts.  The “head” stuff will not work in intimate conversation.  I know for myself, that I have to face the fear of a little frightened boy within, unsure of where close relationships are taking me.  I can so easily use my head to protect my insecure feelings.   

But when I ask Jesus for grace and strength to remain in the darkness of uncertainty, there is a spiritual energy that moves forward in truth and courage.  To fear the darkness is to flee into a hiding place of comfort.  If I do that there is no positive spiritual energy to move into the chaos.  But if I move in faith, simply learning to trust the Lord to give me the right responses, I find myself growing in maturity, able to stand in the strength of the Lord, while expressing love and support for my wife.  Men, it takes real courage and strength to come forth during the chaos of intimate conversation that manifest some relational tension.  But that is where God want you to meet your wife.  You know you have failed when you either flee or fight.  My best advice is to humbly cry out for grace to stay in the chaos and not be silent.  Of course, you will fail to respond rightly, but the more you stay with it the more you will learn mature responses.

I participated in a “wildman” Saturday last weekend.  I was reminded again of the importance of becoming childlike in our faith.  As men we tend to complicate our relationship with God, analyzing rather than being able to simple receive and rest in the Father’s love.  We feel we must do something to improve our relationship.  Richard Rohr observes that men are trapped in their small psyches, believing in the validity of their objective truth.  We as men can easily get trapped “in complex consciousness” continually returning to the same wells for water; “the wells of reason, control, order and power.”  Rohr points out that it is through pain, struggle and darkness that a man is forced out of his control tower of reason, into a new openness, which produces a new trust in the goodness of God.  The complex is simplified into a simple trust in Jesus.  One Puritan author called it, “A comfortable walk with Jesus.” 

Jesus speaks to this simple trust when he observes his disciples arguing over who has the highest rank in the kingdom.  “For an answer Jesus called over a child, whom he stood in the middle of the room, and said, ‘I’m telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you’re not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in.  Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God’s kingdom” (Matt. 18:2-4 – The Message).  Men, it is only when we give up “the big deal” along with analyzing out of  the need to know, that we become simple and elemental.

I am not talking about being simplistic.  Rather I am referring to a man who has an open, trusting spirit that is open to God.  He has been able to give up the need to control and understand, for a simple trust in God’s leading. He is a man who can live with great conflicts and paradoxes in his daily life, but yet keep a simple trusting focus on Jesus.  He has become single minded in his attentiveness to the presence of the Lord in his life.  This allows him to be discerning in choosing the “one thing that is needful.”  When are focus is not on the Lord, we make choices that complicate our lives

So how do we keep moving toward this childlike posture in our spiritual life.  Speaking from personal experience I would mention the following steps.  First, be willing to admit your pride and arrogance in thinking you know  more about your heart’s condition then God.  Second, get your focus off your own ruminations and inner striving. If you have to – cry out to the Lord.  The Lord delights in helping desperate men.  Third, find a trust spiritual friend, who can help you objectify your spiritual condition.  Four, trust the Lord as best you can with your condition, by being totally honest in his presence. Be real before the Lord with your struggles.  Fifth, ask for grace and strength to walk in simple faith before the Lord.  Finally, learn to give thanks in all circumstances and have a grateful heart.

One of my favorite authors is Stephen W. Smith.  He has a new book out entitled “Soul Custody.”  Smith encourages us to take custody of our souls.  “Soul custody is taking back what we’ve almost lost in order to gain what we should never want to lose.  It’s doing what the word custody implies – taking responsibility for our souls and hearts.  This is our sacred privilege.”  He shows how modern life does violence to our souls.  He quotes Thomas Merton who observed, “To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence.”  In other words, if we get too busy and forget our soul, we are succumbing to the violence being done to the soul in a culture that has little time for the inner life.  In the process we never find out who we really are. 

Taking custody for our souls is a challenge that each of us men need to heed.  Remember the words of Jesus – “And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?  Is anything worth more than your soul” (Matt 16:26)”  The Message reads, “What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself?  What could you ever trade your soul for.” This blog is committed to helping  care for their souls.  Soul care is not a selfish endevour.  Rather it is practicing a form of spirituality that take seriously the responsibility of knowing, with the help of God, the state of the soul. To use a phrase I have used often in this blog, this means “going with your mind into your heart.”  

Paying attention to our souls will means that you will come to know the real you.  “The life that is within you is your living soul.  It is the truest part of you, and it will live on after you die.”  Our soul is “God-given, God shaped, and God sustained.”  To live on the surface of life, to avoid the inner journey is to allow violence to be done to our souls.  In the process, we will not find out who we are nor know the depth of the love that God has for us.  You will be living life in your own energy and strength, never coming to experience the energy and life centered in the soul, that place where God met you in the secret place.

If you are a man reading this blog and you are fearful of the inner journey, that is, going with your mind into your heart; here are a few simple suggestions.  First, be honest and open about your fear.  If you can share this with a spiritual friend that would be ever better.  Second, it is vital that you begin some practice of be quiet and still before the  Lord.  Thirdly, ask God for the grace and mercy to begin to know who you really are, that is, the good, bad, and ugly.  Fourthly, know that the Father is pleased that you are coming to him in order to know who you are.  Fifthly, don’ be discouraged by what you discover.  Surrender the bad ( the old, false self) to God and rejoice in the discovery of the good, who you really are in Christ.

One of the hardest realities for me to accept about myself is the fact that I still have childish responses to life situations.  There are times when I am fearful, angry and defensive, especially in relation to my wife.  It is very humbling, indeed.   It is in those situation that I realize that I still have some growing up to do.  In I Cor 13, Paul talks about putting away childish things.  “But when I grew up, I put away childish things” (I Cor 13:11).  When I pay attention and am honest about some of my responses, I realize that there are still childish impulses that I have not given to the Lord.

My immature responses give evidence that I am still under the law.  I am living by “oughts” rather then by the freedom of grace and acceptance.  I still need to be tutored in my immaturity.  “Until the time when we were mature enough to respond freely in faith to the living God, we were carefully surrounded and protected by the Mosaic law.  The law was like those Greek tutors, with which you are familiar, who escort children to school and protect them from danger or distraction, making sure the children will really get to the place they set out for” (Gal 3:23-4 – The Message).  Thank God for guidance in my immaturity. So how do I grow out of some of these immature responses

For me it has involved the need to be honest.  As a grown man, who has been a pastor,  it is hard to admit childish attitudes and responses.  But I will never grow out of these responses, if I am not honest about my immaturity.  Along with honestly, there has been a need for me to process those immature movements in my soul.  They can usually be traced back to places in my souls that have not been healed nor affirmed by the love of God and the presence of his healing light.  What that means is that I have to come out of hiding, caused by my fear and shame.  It really helps if there is a loving brother or sister to pray with me, as I expose those dark places in my soul. 

How will I know that I have grown up regarding a certain attitude and response to life.  For me it means not reacting in the same immature way, and having the freedom to respond with love and acceptance, even though I might feel threatened or misunderstood.  This freedom has brought more realism to my life.  In other words, what you see is what you get.  But remember men, this process takes time.  I still fall into immature, childish patterns.  But by the grace of God I keep making progress, as I come out from the guidance of the law and find freedom in the grace and acceptance of God