Category: Wildman Journey (Page 79 of 85)

Over the years, as I have prayed from men, the image of light is often prominent in our prayers for healing.  When we are in Christ the light of his presence is within us.  Part of our struggle is our unbelief, in not realizing that the light within is greater then all the darkness.  Jesus is present to lead us out of the darkness of all the baggage of our old way of life.  I was reminded of this reality recently when I read from Paul’s letter to the Ephesians (5:8-10  –  The Message).  “You groped your way through that murk once, but no longer.  You’re out in the open now.  The bright light of Christ makes your way plain.  So no more stumbling around.”  Also verse 17 – “Wake up from your sleep, climb out of your coffins; Christ will show you the light!

Our imaginations are a very powerful instruments of our personalities in helping with our healing.  Images that have a Scriptural basis can be very helpful in the healing of our souls.  Keeping in our mind’s eye the awareness of the presence of Jesus in the midst of our murk can be vital.  For example, picturing  Jesus at the very depths of your soul can in itself be liberating.  As we gain more knowledge of the darkness in our souls, we are able to invite him into the darkness bringing his healing light.  We don’t have to fear the darkness and all that is stored there over the years.

These two passages remind us of two vital truths.  First, being able to come out into the open.  So often in prayer there is an image of a open and free space created by the Spirit of Jesus when we invite him into our darkness.  The second truth is the need to be awake.  To be asleep spiritually is to be unaware of the presence of the light of Christ in the depths of our souls.  We are encouraged in verse 17 to climb out of our coffins.  What  a wonderful image.  When we are awakened to the light of Jesus presence within, we are able to go with Jesus to that place of spiritual death in our hearts.  With His presence we are able to come forth out of the coffin into new life.

Remember we all have parts of our hearts that need to be converted.  There are secrets, hurts, and pain that have been buried for years.  They have been pushed out of consciousness.  But when we come to Jesus, asking Him to heal our masculine souls, the light of his healing presence will replace the darkness with light.  Then as the passage reminds us, “…Christ makes your way plain.  So no more stumbling around.”  In the healing light our way is mae plain and we no longer have to stumble in the darkness

I recently had a very inspiring conversation with a brave and courageous brother in Christ who is on the journey to “recapture his heart.”  I say brave because most of us do not want to go into our hearts.  In a new book about the teaching of Henri Nouwen (“Spiritual Formation), he makes this very clear. “”People who dare to look inward are faced with a new and often dramatic challenge: they must come to terms with the inner mysterium tremendum – the overwhelming nature of the inner life…….The first and most basic task of the one who takes the inward journey of the heart is to clarify the immense confusion that can arise when people enter into this new internal world.”  This just is a task of the spiritual life that men do not want to be engaged in.

But I assume any man reading this blog knows of the need  to go from his head into his heart. In my conversation with my brave brother, we were talking about his recent experience of meeting Jesus in some painful images of his heart.  I was truly rejoicing with him, as the light of Jesus and his presence brought healing, relief and peace to his soul.  As we talked, the Lord gave me the image of a storm system.  When a severe storm is coming it is very dark and threatening.  But many times we have to go through the storm.  Once we are through the storm, there is peace and calm on the other side.  Then the Lord gave me this insight, which I have found to be very true in my experience.

At first it is hard to enter the dark and frightening storm.  This is the willingness to face the pain, hurt and confusion of our hearts.  We can’t avoid the storm if we are to be healed and find peace in our souls.  But Jesus has always been there in the storm.  I was reminded of Jesus walking on the water in Mark 6:45-52.  The disciples are terrified, thinking Jesus is a ghost.  Likewise, we are terrified of our inner life.  The Lord is not wanting us to dig up a lot of garbage to create our own storm.  He know what we need to deal with.  He is waiting for us in the storm.  His word to us is that of verse 50, “Don’t be afraid.  Take courage!  I am here.”  What an encouraging word for our storm tossed souls.  He is there in the midst of the storm.  But there is a warning in the last verse (v 52).  “Their hearts were too hard to take it in.” 

This last verse speaks, in my opinion, to the condition of a lots of us men.  Our hearts have not been trained and conditioned to deal with the storms.  What this means is that we need to become familiar to what is there, that is, what the Lord wants us to be aware of.  This will take practice.  It is going into unfamiliar territory.  But Jesus is there in the storm, with all the grace, mercy and love that we need to go through the storm.  As we learn to go through the big dark storms, there will be lesser storms the rest of our life.  But we will be able to deal with them with much grace, because we have faced the big storms that have brought  ruin to our inner life.

One of the continual struggles for us men is the sense that we don’t measure up spiritually.  We get down on ourselves and impatient in our desire to change for the better.  It is difficult to accept that we are deeply flawed.  We simply will not change as fast as we would like.  God has a different time table then we seem to have.  The most important thing is our intention to want to change and be more Christ like.  Remember that it is God who does the changing from the inside out.  Much of what is going on in our hearts we will not be aware of.  As a matter of fact, God will protect us from ourselves so we do not despair of our darkness.  Our job is to keep our eyes on Jesus, allowing him access to more and more of our soul. 

Here is an ensightful word regarding our struggle  from one of the desert Fathers.  I like this quote because it helps me to accept my unworthiness, while still desiring to grow in Christ: “Our Lord wants you to become mature, and maturity needs these periods of obscurity, of disillusionment and boredom.  Maturity comes when we have at last realized that we must love our Lord simply and freely in spite of our horrible unworthiness and of the unworthiness of nearly everything around us.  Then a new and lasting Incarnation of our Lord takes place in our souls as it were.  He begins to live a new life within us in the very midst of the misery of the world.  That is why the greatest saints have always shown the perfect combination of nearness to our Lord on the one hand, and a deep sense of their own unworthiness and weakness on the other.”   

What is most encouraging to me from this quote is the realization that it is Christ living in me that does the work of transformation.  My part is that of yielding to the Lord.  This is how Paul put it in Galatians 2:20 from the Message.  “My ego is no longer central.  It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinions, and I am no longer driven to impress God.  Christ live in me.  The life you see me living is not ‘mine,’ but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.  I am not going to go back on that.”   By faith I trust that God is getting the job done in my heart, even in spite of my feelings of unworthiness.  So men, let us keep our eyes on Jesus and let him do the work of bring about change.  Our task is that of “letting go.”

A couple of weeks ago, Judy and I were with our three adult children, their spouses and children in Kansas City for three days.  It was the first time our children’s families have been together for at least three years.  Of course, for Judy and I it was a wonderful experience.  For many families this can be a regular event.  But when there is great distances between families combined with busy schedules, for other parents getting together as a family are rare and special events.  It was a great time of building relationships and getting caught up on the lives of each family.  I found myself often just stepping back emotionally to observe what was really going on and my part in the whole event.

What I came away with was the importance of leaving some markers for our lives.  That is, as Judy and I, inch up to that 70 year old mark, it seems important to keep our children informed about our health and the plans we are trying to make for our old age.  As a pastor I have witnessed the absence of that in many aging parents.  They do not give their adult children any markers to help the children navigate the senior years with their parents.  We had what I called ” a family council” at which Judy and I shared some of our plans.  We wanted to get the imput of our children regarding some matter that will become more urgent later on. 

As I think about those three days, I find myself thinking a lot about the legacy or inhertiance that I will leave behind for my children and their familes.  I am not referring only to a monetary inheritance, but more important to my mind, the spiritual inheritance of my walk with God.  I find that I need to be open and honest walking in humility, putting my trust in the Lord.  My life now become more of being then doing or even helping.  If there are issues unresolved I have the responsibility to bring them into the open.  If there are family secrets or “black holes” that our children wonder about, then Judy and I should be as forthcoming as we possibly can be.

In this regard, Psalm 37 has always been a Psalm that has spoken to me about inheritance and leaving a legacy.  Especially I refer to verses 25-26. “I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.  They are always generous and lend freely; their children will be blessed.”  I can not emphasize enough the need to be in right relationship with your children and their families as you grow older.  Be open about your hopes, and aspirations as you go into these “golden years.”  Above all, reflect upon and ask God to give you the grace to leave a godly legacy with your children’s families.  It is on the heart of God that fathers be a blessing to their children, rather than a hinderance.  Remember the words of Malachi, which are the last words of the Old Testament.  “See, I will send you the prophet Elijah before that great and dreadful day of the Lord comes.  He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse.”

Have you ever wanted to quit?  You ask, “Quit what?”  Quit trying to be a nice, descent, spiritual guy.  This is the “nice guy” whom the church rewards for being “a good man.”  The nice guy knows he is operating more in his own strength then that of the Lord’s.  I have learned from hard experience that you can keep up the “spiritual” practice of being nice for only so long.  My personality is notorious for trying to be nice.  When I have not been nice, I slip into self-denial, which can at times plunge me into self-hatred.  I start “beating myself up” spiritually.  I become discouraged and resolve to try harder.  It becomes a endless cycle, that I am slowly reversing with God’s help.  I am not out of the woods yet, but I am making progress.

Two things have been of great help for me on my journey.  First is the inner awareness that God loves me as I am, not as I should be.  I am his “beloved sinner.”  Secondly, this has helped me to be honest about what is going on within my soul, that deep, mysterious place within.  It is not that I have to go “fishing” for what is wrong.  That would get me into what Leanne Payne calls “the disease of introspection.”  I have been afflicted wiwth this disease all my life.  I would spend time looking in on myself through my own eyes.  My perspective is desperately flawed by my distorted thinking, causing me to not be objective but filled with illusions about myself that are not true.  This easily plunged me into the darkness of my own diseased attitudes and feelings about myself.  While God wants me to be aware of what is going on in my soul, he does not want me to go to that dark, sorted place of condemnation.

This practice has caused me over the years to be fearful of what is really in my “deep spiritual tank.”  But knowing that I am loved as I am in the good, bad and ugly, I have begun to get in touch with my God give desires and passions, which haved layed buried beneath m distorted image of myself.  George Herbert observed, “He begins to die, that quits his desires.”  Men, let me give testimony to the fact that when we allow ourselves to become aware of our soul, we will begin a  journey into foreign territory.  We will have to fight for our souls.  We will not want to be exposed.  John Eldredge observes, “Every man fears being exposed, to be found out, to be discovered as an imposter, and not really a man.  If there’s one thing a man does know he knows he is made to come through.  But he fears that he will fail.”

Eldredge asks men, “are words like strong, passionate, and dangerous words you would choose” to describe ourselves?  Do we have strength to offer the world?  Will we be abel to come through?  The answer is yes.  Our strength comes from the Lord.  This strength is not an idea in our mind or a habit we practice.  It is an awareness of the Lord at the center of our hearts, giving us what we need for the masculine journey.  This awareness becomes evident to us as we are willing to pay attention to our souls.  Listen to Paul’s encouraging words. “God can do anything you know – far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!  He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us” (Eph. 3:20-21 – The Message).

Reflect a bit on this quote from Ken Nerburn’s book, Letters to my Son: A Father’s Wisdom on Manhood, Women, Life and Love:  “I have felt myself emptied into the mystery of the universe, and I have had moments when the smallest slight threw me into a rage. I have carried others when I barely had the strength to walk myself, and I have left others standing by the side of the road with their hands outstretched for help. Sometimes I feel I have done more than anyone can ask; other times I feel I am a charlatan and a failure. I carry within me the spark of greatness and the darkest of heartless crimes.  In short, I am a man, as you are.”

This honest confession is a reminder of what I would call my divided life. There is my life “out there” and my life “in there,” that is, what other people see and experience of my life and what is really going on in my soul. Parker Palmer in “A Hidden Wholeness” convincingly addresses the neglect in our culture of knowing what is going in the soul. While I have learned outwardly to say and do the right things to gain approval and acceptance, my soul is starved for attention.  It is so easy to willfully ignore the still small voice of my soul.  In those moments I find myself questioning what kind of man I am, when I have not come through – choosing rather to ignore a more virtuous and honorable response to whatever is happening around (or to) me.

Palmer describes how easy it is to choose to live divided rather than whole lives.  First, comes denial: “This is NOT the real me; I’m really not that bad.”  Second, comes equivocation (conflict with the still small voice of my soul): “No, that wasn’t really God… that was just a passing thought…”  Third, comes fear: “What price do I have to pay for being authentic, for being real?”  Fourth, comes cowardice: “The divided life is destructive, but at least it is familiar – and I am in control.”  Finally, comes reward: “I am actually rewarded by society for stifling my soul.”  As a man who desires to follow Christ, this pattern causes me to be “beat myself up” spiritually and to take the easy route of denial and self-justification.  I am forced once again to ask, “Am I a man who has what it takes?”

This is why the posture of listening to the Lord becomes so important.  With the help of the Spirit of God, who dwells in the deepest regions of my soul, I have the strength and courage to discern the difference between the good and bad that rages in my soul.  Make no mistake about it, men, there is a war going on for our souls. The battle will not be won by denial. We need to face the battle by being honest, having a courage that is given by God’s Spirit, as we cry for mercy.  Sometimes all I can do is cry, “Lord, have mercy on me, your wayward, divided son!”

Listen in closing to David’s honesty: “You’re the One I’ve violated, and you’ve seen it all, seen the full extent of my evil. You have all the facts before you; whatever you decide about me is fair.  I’ve been out of step with you for a long time, in the wrong since before I was born.  What you’re after is truth from the inside out.  Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life” (Ps.  51:4-6 – The Message).

I have recently been reading John Eldredge’s revised and expanded edition of  “Wild at Heart.”  His book and the work of Richard Rohr has been the inspiration for this blog site.  These two men have also been an encouragement for me in hosting “wildman” Saturdays here at Canaan’s Rest.  I remember how I was impacted by the first addition of “wild at heart.”  As I have been making my way through the new edition, I have been impressed anew with the vital need for myself to be willing to go into my heart and find my strength. Staying on the surface and pretending really robs me of my unique masculine strength 

As I have reflected on my reading, I have once again be challenged to ask the question, “Do I have what it takes ?”  “Do I really believe that I can come through?”  I have especially been asking this in relationship to my wife.    “Am I truly willing to come out of hiding and fully engage my wife, rather than hide in anger, insecurity and confusion?”  Eldredge makes this statement. “This is every man’s deepest fear: to be exposed, to be found out, to be discovered as an imposter, and not really a man.”  When most of us men look into our hearts, we find fear, anger, shame and guilt.  We flee from our souls, embracing what is familiar, while staying in control, trying to understand with our minds.  But there come a time when a man must face what is inside.  This certainly is true in relationship to the feminine, that is, the woman who is closest to us in daily life.  For most of us this is our wife.

To become aware of the life of our soul, is not be become preoccupied in a kind of introspective fog.  No, it means we become honest about our pain.  To go into our heart (soul) is to face our wounds  Every man at sometime in his life will have the face his inner wounds. The  wounds that  took him out, robbed him of his strength, and caused him to flee. When confronted with this pain we feel like frightened boys, with no inner strength to come out and be a man.  Our strength will be found in entering with Jesus into our wound, being honest about our pain, and finding our healing in Jesus.  Men, understand me when I say the light of  Jesus is brighter and stronger than any darkness you have within.  But we have to invite Jesus into the darkness.  

Am  I am wiling to enter the darkness of my wound and shame, to find the strength to be the man that God has uniquely made me to be?  The expression of my masculine soul will be who I have been created to be from the foundations of the world.   I meet Jesus in my wound, the wound that would rob me of my true masculine soul.  It is there in the inner place that I find my strength, strength  given to me by Jesus.  I can then come forth in my natural, true, masculine self.  For it is through my wounds that I find my strength.  Remember  Jesus’ words to Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  So Paul could say, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me” ( II Cor 12:9-10).  Men, Jesus will give strength to come forth, if you are willing to face your wound.

Recently I have been struggling with understanding my emotional responses to my wife.  It is a humbling experience to admit that after 45 years of marriage, I am still working on responding rightly to my wife.  But I am learning to stay with the storm inside and not run away to a safe place that has been created by my false self.  This is a place of illusion, defensiveness, and fear.  I have to face this tendency in myself and come out into the open, as I lovingly engage my wife.  It can be a fearful, confusing and humbling exercise.   But if I let myself go into the arms of my loving heavenly Father, as I engage my wife, I sense that I am being held in love. This is what gives me courage to stay involved and  connected, engaging my wife in what I perceive to be an emotional storm that I want to flee from.  It has the sensation of a young boy, still learning to grow up learning to responsibily face his  emotional storms of life.  ( O, God help me to grow up)

The words of the Psalmist give me hope and encouragement.  “Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit, to be out of your sight?  If I climb to the sky, you’re there!  If I flew on morning’s wings to the far western horizon, you’d find me in a minute – you’re already there waiting!  Then I said to myself, “Oh he even sees me in the dark!  At night I’m immersed in the light!!”  It’s a fact: darkness, isn’t dark to you; night and day, darkness and  light, they’re all the same to you” (Ps 139:7-12 – The Message).  What a relief to know that the eyes of my loving heavenly Father see me in the darkness of my fear and insecurity and in love he wants to bring me into the light of freedom and trust.  

The present struggles I have with woman ( my wife) continue to show me that many of the issues relating to my lifestory, that I thought had been examined, clarified, confessed, and given to the Lord, only recycle at a deeper level.  The growth process is never over.  But it seems that the grace is always there to take the next step into the darkness, so that the light of Jesus can bring me into that safe place in him.  A wild man knows this.  He is committed to fighting for his heart.  He knows that God will choose the time and place for him to go into battle for his heart.  That is when a wild man will need to descend into the confusion and uncertainty of his heart, while surrendering control and the need to understand.  There is no other way to deal with the fear.  Jesus tells us “don’t fear.”  He is there with us.

So my encouragement to any wildman reading this blog, is to not run away.  Instead flee to Jesus.  Don’t let darkness get a grip on your soul.  Peter reminds us, “Keep a cool head.  Stay alert.  The devil is poised to pounce and would like nothing better than to catch you nappinig.  Keep your guard up (I Pet 5:8-9 – The Message).  If you need to, cry out to God like the Psalmist.  “From the depths of despair, O Lord, I call for your help.  Hear my cry, O Lord.  Pay attention to my prayer” (Ps 130:1-2).  So don’t run away, but stay in the light.  Face your pain and fear.  Admit you are not able.  This is God’s way of humbling you, so that you might be willing to leave that dark place of hiding.  He wants to strengthen you in spirit and soul.  But you have to come out and join him on this new leg of your journey.

In a documentary titled The Fatherless Epidemic, it is noted that more than 18 million children in the USA live without a biological father, stepfather, or adoptive dad in the home. And those same children, according to Bay Forrest of Focus Ministries (Pagodo Springs, CO), often have no clue what it means to be a “dearly loved child” because their own lives have been marked by being “put down, mocked, abused, taken advantage of” – and they cannot even begin to comprehend what it means to be dearly loved by God. 

This is where coming alongside one or two of these children and being the real-life hands, feet, eyes, ears, and voice of Christ in their lives helps them come to know Jesus – and to discover in their inner being what it means to be beloved by their heavenly Father.

One of the discoveries I needed on my journey of trying to follow Jesus is how beloved I am by my heavenly Father.  Through Christ I have come to know more and more that I am beloved. This is my identity as a child of God. And as I’ve become more aware of God’s love, what has surprised me is that I have been able to better see others as the beloved of God. 

This has not always been the case for me.  I’ve always known I should love others who are different from me – and I have wanted to.  But it has not necessarily been a reality in my heart.  It was stuck in my head.  I believe, too, that this is the case for most men.  We know we should be loving and compassionate, but when we’re honest with ourselves, we know we really aren’t.  The key, at least for me, has been gaining more and more of the ability to claim my “being the beloved of God.”

Listen to these words from Henri Nouwen: “When you discover your belovedness by God in solitude, you see the belovedness of other people in community and can call that beauty forth in ministry.  It’s an incredible mystery of God’s love that the more you know you are loved, the more you will see how deeply your sisters and brothers in the human family are loved.  The more you love others without conditions, the more you can love yourself the way God loves you and others.  And the more you are loved by others, the more you realize how much you are the beloved of God.”

I am only beginning to find this to be true in my life.  At this stage of my journey, God has given me opportunities to be with people who think and live out their understanding of the spiritual journey very differently than I do. Years ago I would have been both judgmental and critical of these folks.  But something has happened in my heart.  As I have come to rest in my belovedness, I have found more openness and even compassion for those who are different from me.  This is truly the work of God’s grace and mercy in my heart.  It has brought me a kind of joy that I never knew when I was more closed and boxed up in myself.

I truly believe that a wild man, a man who has opened his heart to the Lord and is trying to walk by faith, will more and more experience the truth of his belovedness – and in turn will become more compassionate and loving. Many of us men have tried to do our loving through our heads.  It becomes a matter of the will – and something that we “ought” to do.  Those around us often know that it is not sincere or from the heart.  But the man who knows his belovedness in God has nothing to lose and everything to gain by being a more loving man.  God will bless him far beyond his understanding as he walks in the love of God.  Paul prayed that we might “know this love that surpasses knowledge” (Eph. 3:19).  Men don’t try to figure it out.  Lean on your heavenly Father and learn to live out of your belovedness.

One of the struggles for men, wanting to deepen their relationship with God is our struggle with dualistic thinking.  By that I mean, men see their relationship with God more as “God and me” rather then “God in me.”  The “God and me” frame of reference tends to place God outside of ourselves, separated from our real life.  We see our sense of self as being separate and distinct from God.  Parker Palmer cautions that this kind of mind set can easily lead to what he calls, “functional atheism” in which we see ourselves primarily responsible for developing a more intimate relationship with God.  In subtle ways we try to control the relationship, expecting God to fit into the “box” of our expectations.  Our greatest fear is losing control and not fully understanding where God is leading us.  It is difficult to give up the illusion that we are the masters of our destinies

The key to our growth in relationship with God, has to do with what takes place in our hearts.  This is all the work of God.  Remember Paul calls it a “mystery,” “which is Christ in you” (Col 1:27).   While “God and me” helps us maintain a healthy awareness that God is far above and beyond us, it must be balanced with the awareness of “God in us.”  Peter tells us, “Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires (II Pet. 1:4).  We are not comfortable with mystery, especially when it comes to what is going on in our souls.  But if we are going to be changed from the inside out, it must be God’s work.  Our task is “letting go.”

What always needs to be kept before us in our self-consciousness as followers of Jesus, is reality that God is already within.  We are already united with God.  So what is missing for so many men.  It is awareness or realization of who I am in Christ.  There will be no change without this awareness.  We will end up trying to change ourselves.  It is God who produces the fruit of change. “Remain in me, and I will remain in you.  No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.  Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me” ( John 15:4).  Gerald May reminds us, “The spiritual life has nothing to do with actually getting closer to God.  It is instead a journey of consciousness.  Union with God is neither acquired nor received; it is realized, and in that sense it is something that can be yearned for, sought after, and – with God’s grace – found.” 

For a wild man I believe Brennan Manning has it right when he talks about a “recovery of passion.”  To have passion is to be affected by what is already in our heart.  Passion says Manning is “the essential energy of the soul.”  He warns against sloth which is “the refusal to go on the inward journey.”  We become paralyzed spiritually when we protect ourselves from passion.  I know there has been a measure of recovering spiritual passion for myself, as I have become aware that I am God’s beloved.  The more I have allowed myself to know me, that good, the bad and the ugly, the more I have come to know my belovedness in God.  In discovering more of my true self I also have come to know God.  For my true self and God are united within.  But don’t try to figure out that reality.  It is hidden from us, as a mystery, so that we don’t get in the way with the need to control and understand.