Parents.com and the New York Post have both reported, “Young boys are reportedly feeling deprived of physical touch and affection, also know as “touch starvation.” It can have a major impact on their emotional and social well-being. Experts like Drs Michael Thompson and Matt Engler-Carlson have noted, “American culture often discourages boys from experiencing nurturing touch, beginning in early childhood and reinforced by media and social norms.”
The deep emotional, physical, and relational toll of affection deprivation has also been named as “skin hunger.” The research of Dr. Kory Floyd has shown that “men who lack affectionate touch report higher rates of depression, anxiety, loneliness, and even immune system issues.” There is a strong correlation between affection deprivation and mental and physical health problems. “Boys who grow up without affectionate touch often internalize the belief that physical closeness is unmanly. As they become fathers, these touch-deprived boys may struggle to express affection toward their own sons. The cycle repeats: men raised without touch become fathers who don’t hug
Boys who are physically affectionate with their fathers are less likely to struggle with substance abuse, have mental health struggles, criminal deviance, and are less likely to engage in sexual promiscuity. Breaking this cycle will require intentional affirming that touch is compatible with masculinity. Anthony Bradley noted, “By fostering emotionally safe spaces and challenging cultural taboos, we can help men reclaim a core part of their humanity and offer their sons what they themselves may have missed.”
Parents should be encouraged to use positive touch intentionally and consistently as a way to foster emotional connection and security. Creating a “family counter-narrative” regarding affection can be a buffer against many of the harmful cultural messages. “The truth is, much of America doesn’t really like boys – and in many cases, not even their own parents do. This needs to change.”
The article listed the following strategies: Overcoming personal discomfort with affection/ Using touch (like hugs) to soothe or connect/ Learning a child’s preferred form of physical closeness/ Normalizing touch through routines and modeling affectionate friendships/ Talking openly about healthy boundaries and cultural differences/ Negotiating age-appropriate forms of affection as boys grow older.
Like many men, I grew up in a culture where men did not show physical affection. My folks were the second generation of Finnish immigrants. They represented an ethic of responsibility and hard work. They simply wanted to provide a healthy, safe environment for their families. As the oldest in my family, I received little physical affection from my father. I absorbed the message that grown men do not show outward affection. It is interesting to note that many of my Italian buddies spoke openly about their affections and were very demonstrative in showing affection.
My personal struggle also involved being a “heart” relating man. I learned to be shy and halting in sharing my affections in my family. When I read Bradley’s article, I certainly could identify with “touch starvation” and “skin hunger.” I agree with the strategies listed above. Over the years I learned to function in the male culture as a “feeling” guy. It meant at times feeling out of place. But it also meant that I have helped men be comfortable with physical touch.
A word of caution on men and “touch starvation.” Be genuine in sharing physical affection. Knowing other men on a deeper level (heart) is helpful. It is vital for men to develop deeper friendships. My testimony – genuine hugs can help a man release a great deal of his negative emotions. There is something about hugging each other that brings freedom.
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