Category: Wildman Journey (Page 59 of 86)

Back in the early 90’s I read a book by Charles Colson entitled “Against the Night.” Here is a statement that seems almost prophetic over 20 later. “I believe that we do face a crisis in Western culture, and that it presents the greatest threat to civilization since the barbarians invaded Rome.  I believe that today in the West, and particularly in America, the new barbarians are all around us.  They are no hairy Goths and Vandels, …….they are not Huns and Visigoths storming our borders or scaling our city walls.  No, this time the invaders have come from within….today’s barbarians wear pinstripes instead of animal skins and wield briefcases rather than spears”

Men this blog comes as a warning. I John 2:18 warns us, “Dear children, this is the last hour, and as you have heard that the antichrist is coming, even now many antichrists have come.  This is how we know it is the last hour.” (I John 2:18)  Could it be that time is running out for our culture?  The barbarians among us are an antichrist spirit.  It may be openly hostile, or hidden behind a polite disposition, but it will always be opposed to the Lordship of Jesus and his reign in the earth.  This anitchrist spirit now pervades our culture.

John gives us this advice in discerning the antichrist spirit. “Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.  This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God.  This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world .” (I John 4:4-6)  You will always meet resistance when you confess faith in the Lord Jesus, as God incarnate, come in the flesh to save us from our sins. This will never be political correct!

So here is some friendly tips on being a warrior of the light in the midst of a culture where the spirit of antichrist is very much in evidence. First and foremost, submit your will to the Lordship of Jesus. Place yourself under the umbrella of his authority and protection. You are open game to the enemy when you have no covering. Be a man under authority. Secondly, never leave the foot of the cross.  The cross is the ultimate sign of our victory.  Paul exclaims, “Think of it!  All sins forgiven, the slate wiped clean, that old arrest warrant canceled and nailed to Christ’s cross.  He stripped all the spiritual tyrants in the universe of their sham authority at the Cross and marched the naked through the streets.” (Col. 2:13-15 – Message)  We are overcomers through Jesus death. “Who is it that overcomes the world?  Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.” (I John 5:5)

Two more suggestions.  Do your homework by integrating the the Word of God into your life.  Don’t just seek a head knowledge of truth, but let the truth sink into your soul.  Allow it to be the light and leaven that sets you free.  Jesus said “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)  One more piece of advice.  Always keep you gaze on the Lord.  Always keep a upward posture, looking up to Jesus.  “My heart says of you, ‘Seek his face!’  Your face, Lord, I will seek” (Ps 27:8)

In a recent men’s group at my church we were discussing death and the legacy we each will leave behind.  We all agreed that the ”stuff'” we leave behind will not be nearly as important as our “relational” legacy.  How will we be remembered as a “godly man.” Why is it harder to leave behind a godly relational legacy, that is, how we are remembered for our relationship with others?  Because cultivating a relational legacy demands more from men then they can produce on their own.  We are dependent upon God to work through us.  It calls for a love, that is self giving even when the relationships can be difficult.  Remember Paul’s words, “If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.” (I Cor 13:3)

A legacy describes the way a man is honored. We read in Proverbs 18:12 in the Message, “Pride first, then the crash, but humility is precursor to honor.” Proverbs 29:23 reminds us, “Pride brings a person low, but the lowly in spirit gain honor.”  I  have conducted many funerals during my ministry.  I can say with some confidence, that a man is honored not so much for his accomplishments, but rather by the way he related to others, especially his family. Few things in my ministry motivated me more then the memory of a godly man honored by his family for how he lived.  It gave me godly resolve to work on my relationships.   It seems, men, that if we want to be honored by other when they have our funeral, humility will have to be displayed in our relationships.

How is humility expressed in our relationships?  Here are some suggestions from a man, attempting to leave a healthy relational legacy.  First and foremost, I have given my heart to Jesus.  This means he is reconstructing me so that I might relate more humbly and lovingly.  Second I know I have to give priority to having good relationship with those in my “circle of influence.”  Third, I am asking Jesus to help me to learn from my relational failures.  Fourth, I pray continually that I will have the grace to put others before myself.  Fifthly, I pray that I can learn from the difficult relationship God has brought into my life.  Sixth, I pray that I can  live in a spirit of forgiveness, while keeping my heart open to relational wounds.

I close with this caution.  Every man who is reading this blog will have to deal with failure when he looks back into his story.  You will not be looking at the “perfect” legacy.  This is where humility plays a vital factor in your legacy.  Where you have knowingly failed in your relationships, humbly seek forgiveness.  You cannot rewrite the script of your story.  But through forgiveness God can take your story and rewrite the script for you.  Men, I cannot stress how important it is  to live a lifestyle of forgiveness.  “Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you.  And regardless of what else you put on, wear love.  It’s your basic, all-purpose garment.  Never be without it” (Col. 3:13-14 – Message).

Every once in awhile there is an ad that gets it right when it comes to the  moral values in our culture.  There is a “Cheerios” ad that shows a married father helping his children through their morning routine,  reflecting on his role as dad. “Dadhood isn’t always easy.  When a rule is broken, we’re the enforcement. Hey buddy, it’s garbage day.  But when a heart is broken, we’re the reinforcement.”

John Stonestreet who blogs over at Breakpoint made this comment regarding the ad. “The last strong father figure on TV was Cliff Huxtable on the Cosby Show.  In 1980s television, family was the solution.  By the 1990s with shows like Seinfeld and Friends, family had become the problem, and particularly dads like the buffonish Homer Simpson or Peter Griffin from Family Guy.”  There is a plaque of fatherlessness in our culture because of absent fathers,  both physically and emotionally.  The privilege of being a father is not celebrated in our culture.  It many cases it is ridiculed as being insignificant in the life of children.   The modeling of godly fatherhood is desperately needed in even our churches.  Who and where are to models?

Psalm 127 portrays fatherhood as a godly heritage, with children being a reward from him. “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.  Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are the children born in one’s youth.  Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.  They will not be put to shame when they content with their opponents in court” (3-5) .  Eugene Peterson observes, “We didn’t make these marvelous creatures that walk and talk and grow among us.  We participated in an act of love that was provided for us in the structure of God’s creation.”

Yes, “dadhood isn’t always easy.” It demands sacrifice and surrender of our selfish egos. This is not affirmed in today’s world.  But remember children are a stewardship given fathers.  Their formation has been entrusted to us.  Your children did not choose you as father; God choose you.  So a full quiver of arrows is gift of God.  While they are a responsibility, they are not a burden, but a blessing.  When brought up in a godly manner, children will be a witness to their father’s integrity.  So men, thank God that you are a father, since their are men who have an empty quiver.

I helped raise three children.  I now crying out for God to teach me in my role as grandfather to seven grandchildren.  So here is some hard earned advice from a “grandpa.”  First, give absolute priority to your role as father.  After your wife give your best energy and time to your kids.  You have them only for so many years.  Secondly, don’t let the cultural wars, intimidate you in your role.  You are the priest of your family.  You lead and set the spiritual tone of your family life.  It will not be easy.  But accept your role with all humility and surrender to Jesus who is your head.  Thirdly, love and cherish the mother of your children.  Give them the example of a dad who has sacrificial love for their mother.  Fourth, give thanks every day for the gift of your children, while asking for wisdom in knowing how to shape their lives.  Be grateful for your quiver.

I am not ashamed to admit it – I was moved to tears recently watching Andre Reed’s speech at his induction to the Pro Hall of Fame.  I remember his playing days, as a wide receiver, with the Buffalo Bills.  “I was known for my toughness, going across the middle, making the catch, breaking tackles,” Reed said.  “But the toughest individual I’ve ever met in my life was Jim Kelly, No. 12.”  This was nearly was 20 years after, Kelly as quarterback, had played his last game with Reed.  Kelly has lost a son and now was bravely struggling with cancer.  I lost it, crying like a baby.  I ask myself,” why?”  I guess, seeing the expression of camaraderie between men committing their best to the cause.  It’s going out and “leaving it all on the field.”

It motivates me to give my best for the cause of Christ. I want to join with other men who will spur me on to be a warrior for Jesus in the  encroaching cultural darkness, in which men are losing the battle, stumbling into confusion, alienation, despair and loneliness. Men are being wounded in the cultural wars.  Who will come to their rescue?  Men, we need to rescue our brothers out of darkness, committing ourselves to fight for their souls. The battle is between light and darkness.   Listen to Paul exhortation. “You groped your way through that murk once, but no longer.  You’re out in the open now.  The bright light of Christ makes your way plain.  So no more stumbling around.  Get on with it!  The good, the right, the true – these are the actions appropriate for daylight hours.  Figure out what will please Christ, and then do it” (Eph. 5:8-10 – Message).

In my opinion, it will be warriors of  light, who will best confront the ever encroaching darkness of godlessness in secular America.  Listen again to Paul words; “It started when God said, ‘Light up the darkness!’ and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful” (II Cor 4:4 – Message).  Image a group of men, gathered together, with their faces, unashamed, gazing upon the Lord Jesus, being filled with the wonder of  his  loving, affirming presence.

This kind of encounter will motivate men to be warriors of  light.  They  know that through thick and thin, they can say with Jeremiah, “The Lord  is with me like a mighty warrior” (Jer. 20:11).   Knowing they are loved and cared for, men will be able to stand against the invading darkness.  They will know the truth of I John 1:7, “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and his blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.” (I John 1:7).   Knowing this kind of fellowship will get men out on the field, willing to give their best for Jesus.  The primary manifestation of this kind of warrior will be a humble, loving heart that simply desire to reflect the presence of Jesus in all his affairs and relationships.  The weapons of the warfare will be those of love and humility.   Men, let’s get out on the field and leave it all out there.

In this blog I am especially thinking of  men who has children at home.  We are all aware of how swiftly our culture is losing even the memory of the Christian story.  The story of a loving Creator God, who has entered human history, in the person of His Son,  to rescue us from our sinful condition, is a story that is openly rejected and even blasphemed.  It, therefore, becomes apparent that fathers are going to have to remember to tell the story, so our children not only remember, but also can ask the question, “How then shall we  live?”

With this in mind, I want to challenge not only fathers, but  grandfathers and single men to “remember” the story.  In Exodus 12 we read that Israel is about to flee Egypt.  God institutes the “Passover” and told them, “This is a day to remember.  Each year, from generation to generation, you must celebrate it as a special festival to the Lord.  This is a law for all time” (Ex 12: 14).  Later in the chapter we read, “And when your children ask you, ‘What does this ceremony mean to you?’ then tell them, ‘It is the Passover sacrifice to the Lord…” (26-27)

Men, our children are increasingly going to ask, “What does this mean?” when it comes to way of Jesus.  How are we as fathers and grandfathers going to reply?   Our challenge, living in present day America, is to keep the memory of the story alive in the hearts and minds of our children.  How do we do this?  One of our greatest opportunities is at family meal time.  This thought came to me as I was reading in interview of Larry Crabb.  He observed, after consulting scholars, that the Hebrew word for “male” satar, means “one who remembers and moves.”  I thought, “Yes, a father is to remember and then show his family that he is moving  with Jesus.”  He is putting it all on the line before his family; not hiding or excusing but leading.

I realize that for some of you, gathering together at the family table for a meal is a challenge.  But I want to challenge the fathers, who read this blog, to do all you can to have a consistent pattern of your family for having a meal together.  Table fellowship, along with family devotions has been lost in many Christian homes.  During and after the meal,  the father of the house, has a golden opportunity to share the story of Jesus.  It was one of the most important practices Judy and I maintained raising our family.

Men, use the meal time to ask your kids about their day.  Show genuine interest in their lives.   Allow for discussion and dialogue.  Use these times to tell the story of Jesus.  Then, when your meal is finished have a devotional time.  Remember the story of Jesus, not only by the use of Scripture, but also by your example.  Tell what is going on in your life.  You are modeling to your children each day an example of fatherhood that will stay with them the rest of their life.  I know from my own experience as a father that it was during those family devotion that I “put it all on the line.”  Nothing in my family life, kept me more humble and dependent on the Lord, then when I had to lead in devotions after the meal.

I could not help but write a blog about the return of LeBron James to Cleveland.  As the fans in Cleveland celebrated his return there was one sign that caught my attention  – “The King has returned.”  These were the words of an adoring follower.  I personally admire Lebron as a great basketball player as well as a fine person.  His intention about coming back to Northeast Ohio are admirable.  “I feel my calling here goes above basketball”, he said of his move to Cleveland. “I have a responsibility to lead, in more ways than one, and I take that very seriously…I want kids in Northeast Ohio, like the hundreds of Akron third-graders I sponsor through my foundation, to realize that there’s no better place to grow up.”

But as a sports fan I need to keep my admiration of great athletics in perspective.  Christian author, Tim Keller warns us that the human heart is an “idol factory.”  In Ezekiel 14:3 God says of the elders of Israel, “These men have set up their idols in their hearts.” Men need to cautioned about unknowingly filling the void in their souls by admiring sports figures.  This void can only be filled with an intimate relationship with God.   Remember men, the deepest desire in your soul is for God.  Only he can fill the void.

Our culture and the sports media have given sports figure like Lebron James almost  mythical status.  All the pregame hype on TV makes them out to be almost super human.  They are talked about in words of adoration and awe.  We overlook their moral flaws and are deeply disappointment when they do not preform as expected.  As followers of Jesus we need to keep this hype in perspective.  Why?  The spiritual void in our culture that has erased a sense of the supernatural, can easily produce counterfeit worship.  We are made to adore and worship greatness.

So as a sports fan, in a climate that seems to be giving greater adulation and honor to the “super-heroes” of sports I need to keep my focus on Jesus.  The Palmist said that he would “gaze upon the beauty of the Lord” and “would seek him in his temple.” (Ps 27:4)  The Message says,  “I’ll contemplate his beauty.”  In other words, I will find myself being thrilled and caught up in the greatness of who Jesus is as Lord of my life.  As I gaze on him with my spiritual eyes, I am filled with light. “It started when God said, ‘Light up the darkness!’  and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful.” (II Cor. 4:6 – The Message)

Again this blog comes as a “soul alert.”  Don’t underestimate the pull of the culture on your soul.  Football season is about to begin.  If your wife finds you absent emotionally and your kids want some of your time, it could be you have created an idol in your soul during the NFL season.  Don’t let that happen to you.  I challenge you to simply spend some time every day reading the story of Jesus in the gospels, while  gazing on him.  You will be changed.  Light will fill you with the wonder of Jesus.  You wouldn’t need all the “bells and whistles” of NFL Sunday to give you thrills.

I shared in a recent blog about my wife’s cousin, Scott (age 56) and his courageous struggle with brain cancer.  He died recently.  I was privileged to be able to give the eulogy at his funeral.  It was a joy, even though it was Scott’s funeral, to share our journey over the the last three and a half years.  Scott’s wish was that I  give a testimony to all present at his funeral.

The morning of the service, while on  a prayer walk, I had the strong impression that I was to share as a scout.  Scott and I had explored the thin line between life and death.  I was now coming back to report that going to be with Jesus had become real for Scott; it was reality not illusion.   One of the scriptures that informed our sharing was II Cor 4:16-18, which reads in part, “We do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day…So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

I reported on three impressions.  First,  Scott kept his focus on Jesus, as he opened his heart to him.  He was so excited about what Jesus was showing him through scripture, spiritual writers and our talks.  He learned to see spiritual reality simply, yet in life changing ways as he struggled to make sense of his fight with cancer.   We talked about the work of the Holy Spirit in renewing his heart, as his body continued to deteriorate despite the aggressive cancer therapy.  I marveled at how Jesus became so real to Scott in the midst of much uncertainty regarding life and death.  Scott taught me to trust Jesus and keep my focus on him, no matter what the circumstances.

Secondly, I watched as Scott grew more confidently in the Lord despite his uncertain condition.  The hope of going to be with Jesus gave Scott an eternal horizon to view his struggle here below.   I would often say, “Scott, it not you; it is Jesus working in your heart” (Rom. 8:26).  Scott never complained or felt sorry for himself.  He even made light of his health and how it effected him.  Often he would say “How fortunate I am.”  More profoundly he would say, “either way I win.”  How privileged I was to see God at work in the soul of a man.  The words of Ps. 116:15 seemed to apply to Scott’s life near the end.  “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.”

Thirdly, Scott’s death was a gift that he gave not only to his family but  to all the people who knew him.  Many after the service said that Scott’s witness helped them deal with the reality of death in a whole new way.  Even in the midst of sorrow, Scott wanted his death to be a blessing.  In that sense he was giving his death away. “The final human and Christian challenge of our lives,” observes Richard Rolheiser, “is the struggle to give our death away.” Our death can be our last and greatest gift to those we love.  The question men, for each of us is this –  “How can we live now so that when we die our death may be a blessing to our family and friends?”

Richard Rohr made an interesting observation regarding his journey.  He prays each day for one good humiliation.  I have thought a lot about that comment.  I have asked God to help me accept gracefully those events in my daily life that are humbling.  We read in I Peter 5:5-6, “All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, ‘God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.’  Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.”  Men, your family relationships will keep you humble.  Remember through your failure, God will “lift you up.”

I was humbled recently during the visit of our daughter’s family from San Antonio.  I had prayed before their visit that I might be a loving, and accepting grandfather to three teenage boys.  But during a breakfast meal, I blow it, and made an angry remark.  My outburst produced a noticeable chill to our table fellowship.  After a picture taking session, I asked for a family conference with my daughter’s family.  I humbled myself and asked for forgiveness for my “unacceptable attitude.”

I share my story because all the men reading this blog will face similar situations. You will be humbled by your unacceptable behavior or attitude.  It is a given on the spiritual journey.  In the past I would have gone into my “cave,” feeling like a relational failure, while beating myself up, only to emerge as a “pouting”  little boy. (That is hard to admit.)  But praise God, because of his transforming work in my soul, I could accept  failure but not defeat.  Men, don’t let  relationship failure cause you to go down in defeat.  Stand up, accept failure, and cry out for grace to be a man, by admitting your failure.  The devil loves to have you withdraw emotional, brooding  in defeat. Ask yourself how you are feeling? Don’t you feel like a little boy feeling sorry for yourself?

As I look back on that breakfast incident I would like to make two observations.  First, I was able to “man up” and admit my failure.  It takes inner strength and courage to “man up” in our relationship mishaps.  I praise God for his grace in my life.  Remember God will oppose the proud, that is, the resistant spirit in a man.  When a man can humble himself honestly before others, God offers favor (grace).  That means a man will be made stronger in his heart.  It is a weak man, fearful in heart, who will stiffen up and resist vulnerability, thus being opposed by God

Secondly, I was able to teach my three grandsons a very important lesson.  We will all make mistakes in our interactions with each other.  As the grandfather I needed to set the tone, by humbly admitting my intolerant attitude.  Men, I can not tell you how important it is for you to model humility before your wife and children when it comes to relational failures.  Many of us suffered for years because we had fathers who just lived in their caves of self-pity and loneliness.  They brooded in relational defeat.  Don’t go there.  Proverbs 29:23 tells us, “A man’s pride brings him low, but a man of lowly spirit gains honor.”  Allow God to give you honor, by humbling yourself before your family members.

A spiritual writer, who has helped me on the journey is Father Thomas Keating ( I discovered him in 1984). He makes this observation regarding a quote from St Therese of Lisieux, “This is one to the greatest insights of all time into the nature of God and of our relationship to him.”  Here is her  quote: “Even if I had on my conscience every conceivable sin, I would lose nothing of my confidence.  My heart overflowing with love, I would throw myself  into the arms of the Father, and I am certain that I would be warmly received.”  I must confess that in the early days of “my kingdom building” I could not relate very well to this quote.  It might be that some of you men have the same reaction.

I want to share three truths that I have learned over the years that allow me to say “amen” to this quote from Theresa.  I don’t know why it took so long to have these convictions formed in my soul.  But I am motivated to share my story with other men, so they do not have to wallow in the pit of despair, doubt and condemnation.  I encourage each man to take Paul’s warning to the Galatians to heart. “When you attempt to live by your own religious plans and projects, you are cut off from Christ, you fall out of grace…..What matters is something far more interior: faith expressed in love” (Gal 5: 4,6 – Message).

First,  I know at the deepest level of my soul that God loves me in all my shame and vulnerability.  When I began to expose the dark side of my heart to God and spiritual friends, I came to know God’s love for me.  I am his beloved.  With Therese, I can throw myself into “the arms of the Father,” being confident of his love.  Yes, and I know that I will be “warmly received”  because “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Rom 8:1)

Secondly I am a Beloved sinner. I am a man born into sin.  I have developed deep sin patterns in my life, some of which I am still discovering. It is similar to a spiral that goes ever deeper in the cleansing of my soul.  Yes, I am deeply flawed, but I am the beloved of God.  Paul said of himself, “Here’s a word you can take to heart and depend on: Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners.  I’m proof – Public Sinner Number One – of someone who could never have made it apart from sheer mercy” (I Tim 1:15). I say amen.

Thirdly, I am under construction. The image of God within me is tarnished.  Experiencing God’s love for me at a deeper level, has gives me the vulnerability to acknowledge my fallen state before God and other brothers.  It brings a lot of relief to not have to perform, but freely admit that I am tarnished.  I still pretend at times, but not like I did in the past.  Now it is easier to relax and just let it be, knowing that I am “warmly received.”

Spiritual author, Ronald Rolheiser made this interesting observation about men and women.  “Men suffer more from gender depression than woman do.”  He sites the work of Robert Moore, a University of Chicago anthropologist, who maintains that men struggle to relate to women not because they have lost touch with their feminine side, but rather because they have lost touch with their masculine side.  Men trying to be more sensitive seem to take less delight in their maleness.  “Most sensitive men are depressed,” notes Moore, “They ‘re so afraid of being jerks or idiots, they’d rather be depressed then to act out their masculine energies.”  Men have “inhaled” the feminist critique of maleness.  Regarding men, Moore notes,  “…it doesn’t take much for them to believe that they are bad in their own guts.  Men have a bad self-image, and they’re  apologetic about being male. When we feel like that, there’s going to be a lot of depression.”

Men, my personal story fits with these observations.  I have walked down a long road in becoming  more comfortable with my masculine soul.  I have lived with a “covert” (hidden) depression in relating to my manhood.  I worked mightily to build an image of a “godly” man, that was all my doing, while hiding  feelings of inferiority.   I was a “niece” caring guy, who had to hide negative emotions, thus causing “covert” depression.  As the “gender wars” rage on in our culture, I desire to live authentically as a man.  I want to be free from, “having to manage others impressions of me.” (Willard). I take delight in these words from Paul.  “Christ has set us free to live a free life.  So take your stand!  Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.” (Gal 5:1 – Message).  God help me to live in the freedom of my maleness.

This freedom stirs a deep desire within me to help younger men be comfortable in their maleness.  So what do I want you as a reader of this blog to take away from my confession.  I have two observations.  First, let Jesus into the deepest parts of your soul.  Realize He is already at the center loving you.  Jesus said that He and the Father would come and make their home with us (John 14:23).  John tells us, “And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us.” (I John 3:24 – Message).  Jesus waits for you to open the doors to all those dark rooms that harbor your fears of being known. The surprise is that he knows all that is hidden there.

The second exhortation follows the first.  Welcome Jesus into your hidden rooms.  Walk with him through all that is found there.  Let the healing light of his presence shed new understanding as to who you really are as a man.  Let him rearrange all the furniture that is found there.  You will be amazed at how he can recreate your true image as a man.  After all, your person hood as a man is a gift from the one who has created you for himself.