No long ago I started reading a small book on prayer by Ronald Rolheiser, entitled  “Prayer – Our Deepest Longing.”  I was reading in the mall, while waiting for my wife.  I read the following quote.  It struck me powerfully because it said a lot about my journey in prayer. I want to share it with you  and then make a comment.  “You must  try to pray so that, in your prayer, you open yourself in such a way that sometime – perhaps not today, but sometime – you are able to hear God say to you, ‘I love you!’  These words addressed to you by God, are the most important words you will ever hear because, before you hear them, nothing is ever completely right with you, but after you hear them, something will be right in your life at a very deep level.”  I say, “Amen.”

I almost weep as I read these words.  Men, don’t give up on your personal prayer time with God.  Personal prayer is not a task or a necessary duty, but primarily a relationship with the one who loves you.  Your heavenly Father longs for a relationship  with you.  He longs to share his heart with you.  Don’t be afraid.  He wants us to come to him in all our shame, vulnerability and insecurity.  He wants you to be yourself.  He wants you to know that you are loved just as you are, in all your stink.  Be honest.  Pray and  let God know what is really going on in your soul, not what you think God would like to see inside of you.

I want to quote Rolheiser on this point, because I think it will help men in their struggle with making prayer a real experience.  “What God is asking is that we bring our helplessness, weaknesses, imperfections, and sin constantly to him, that we talk with him, and that we never hide from him.  God is a good parent.  He understands that we will make mistakes and disappoint him and ourselves.  What God asks is simply that we come home, that we share our lives with him, that we let him help us in those ways in which we are powerless to help ourselves.”

As it says in the earlier quote, at some point on the journey you will hear the voice of God saying “I love you.”  Don’t give up.  Just keep showing up each day.  The day will come when you will know in your heart that you are truly loved by your heavenly Father.  Then everything changes.   In a lot of ways you are still the same person, with all the same struggles with your imperfections.  But one thing has changed.  You know you are loved.  Men, I can share from my own journey –  that changes everything.  So again I say.  Don’t stop showing up and sharing your heart with God.  If you get worried about not doing it right, remember the word of a holy peasant who, when asked to share his secret to deep prayer, said simply, “I just look at God, and I let God look at me.”  It’s that simple.  Men don’t make it complicated.  Stay at the heart level and it will come to you.

I read an article about John Croyle, who played for “Bear” Bryant at Alabama and became an All-American defensive end.  He has written a book entitled, “The Two-Minute Drill to Manhood: A Proven Game Plan for Raising Sons.”  He has worked for years with abused, neglected and abandoned boys at his Big Oak Ranch.  The lessons he has learned working with hurting boys is the foundation for his book on parenting.  “We are rising a generation of boys who don’t know what real manhood looks like,” Croyle observes.  “Our girls have no idea what to look for in a husband.”  He wants to change these perceptions.

He himself had to ask the question,” What do you want to teach your son about manhood?”  The result were a set of seven life principles based on the acrostic M-A-N-H-O-O-D, which stands for “Master, Ask and Listen, Never Compromise, Handle Responsibility, One Purpose, One Body, Don’t Ever, Ever, Ever Give Up.”  Croyle, as a former football player, visualizes parenting as a two minute drill, with time winding down on our time to parent our children.  Croyle expressed confidence in his parenting experience as summed up in the Two Minute Drill.  “If you apply the seven aspects from this book, you will raise a thoroughbred.”  “Twenty years from now,” Croyle said, “I want young men to come up to me and say, ‘Thanks, my dad read your book and it changed our relationship and helped to make me who I am today.””

I want to make two comments about the article.  The first is about boys not knowing what real manhood looks like.  Like many of you, I enjoy watching football on TV.  It seems each years the depiction of men become even more uncouth, demeaning and just plain silly.  I watch the ads for the sit-coms about men, wondering what are boys really learning about grown men acting so irresponsibly, while being laughed at.  And the ads – they make men seem like men who have not grown up, especially in those beer ads.  We are fighting a perception of manhood, based on cultural norm that has little regard for the model of manhood found in scripture.  We can only change that one by one, as we go about being a godly father and husband.  This will make you truly counterculture in your lifestyle.

Secondly, the idea that time is running out.  We have only so much time to have a real impact on our sons.  We should not take this lightly.  “It is never too late to be a great parent,” Croyle suggests.  “Unless you or your child is in the grave, you still have time.”  I say “amen” to this observation.  When we were raising our children, I used to visualize the window of opportunity, which lasted till our child left home.  After that our influence would diminish.  So men I plead with you not to put off doing what you need to do as a Dad.  You still have time to be an influence.  As a matter of fact, your example and influence will go on for many years.  I find that to be true with all three children in their 40’s.  I still cry out for mercy and wisdom on a daily basis to be the dad God wants me to be.  It is a challenge.  But remember that as we lean into the challenge, God will give you the grace.  There is no grace, however, when you “bail-out.”  At 72, I do not intend to “bail out.”

Craig Groeschel, a pastor and popular author has written a new book for men entitled, “Fight: Winning the Battles That Matter Most.”  In an interview for the Christian Post he said something that got my attention.  He was asked, “What are some of the weapons that God has equipped men with to become warriors?”  This is part of what he said.  “…. we could also pray and as men that’s sometimes  harder to do for whatever reason but we can learn to fight on our knees in prayer, that’s the strongest place we can fight.  Sometimes, the strongest thing we can do and the best weapon you can have is to show unconditional love to someone and to apologize and ask for forgiveness when we’ve wronged someone…”

I agree with the focus on prayer, along with love and forgiveness.  When men are told they need to be warriors and fight, they often think of physical action and confrontational  behavior.  That is not how we are to fight as men. Paul warns us, “We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do.  We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the stronghold of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments'” (II Cor 10:3-4).  In Eph 6:12 we are told that “we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies…”   Paul talks of “weapons of righteousness in the right hand for attack and the left hand for defense.” (II Cor 6:7)   Phillips translation reads, “Our sole defense, our only weapon, is a life of integrity.”  That says it well.  We are to be warriors who live with integrity as our greatest weapon.

Godly men are ready to fight for their families and other who are dear to them. In Nehemiah we read, “Don’t be afraid of them.  Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes.”  (Neh 4:14).  Men, we do this by prayer and our example of love and forgiveness  (“a life of integrity”).  Nothing is more powerful then integrity in your family. With integrity you fight in prayer by naming and remembering your loved ones.  I do this continually throughout the day as I remember my children and their families.  I cannot stress how vital your prayers are in the spiritual realm.  Don’t ever minimize your prayers. Your family needs your prayers.  You are the spiritual priest in your home.  No one can take your place.  Take you place in integrity

Furthermore, your example of love and forgiveness will send shock waves throughout the spiritual realm.  This is not the way men should fight.  But there were times  raising my family, when we were under attack spiritually, we needed to let some spiritual “air conditioning” into our family.  This happened when I took the lead by humbling myself and asking for forgiveness for my attitude.  Men, we fight by have a genuine heart of love and forgiveness for those closest to us.  Listen again to Jesus instruction to us in Mark 10.  “Whoever wants to be great must become a servant.  Whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave.  This is what the Son of Man has done: he came to serve, not to be served – and then to give away his life in exchange for many who are held hostage.”  We are to be servants in our families, not overlords or absent, passive fathers.

As you all know, I am a Viking fan.  Adrian Peterson is our main man.  Without Adrian the Vikings are a diminished NFL football them.  I wrote a blog awhile back about Peterson’s comments on the blood of Jesus. But lately we have heard of a  hidden part of his life.  It has became national news in the sports world that Adrian was the father to a 2 year-old boy he only met on his deathbed and a daughter he welcomed into the world with a waitress about three months ago.  Now Erica Sylon, a former dancer and mother of one of Peterson’s sons says she is aware of five children, including her son, who have Adrian as their father. Sylon noted that as far as she was aware, Peterson takes care of all of his children financially but he could do more as a father.  “I’ll say he takes care of them financially, the ones that I know of.  He gets my son in the summer time but he could do better,” said the former dancer.

I am doing another post on Adrian for two reasons.  The first is the danger of the pedestal, we believers put our superstars on, because of their professed faith in Christ.  I am not questioning Adrian’s journey with Christ, but rather my own mistake of putting him on a pedestal.  I want so much for our Viking superstar to be not only an” “impact player” but also an “impact witness” for Jesus.  But Jesus warns us, “If you grow a healthy tree, you’ll pick healthy fruit.  If you grow a diseased tree, you’ll pick worm-eaten fruit.  The fruit tells you about the tree” (Matt 12:33 – Message).  We are all “damaged fruit” as persons.  It takes time for us all to produce good fruit.  So the lesson for me is to pray that Adrian grows spiritually so that he can become an impact witness.  It take time to produce the good fruit of an “impact witness.”

My second reason is to lament to diminished status of “fatherhood” in our culture.  Adrian’s recent past does not set a good example for young men, who admire superstars.  I will say it again in this blog.  The greatest social failure in our culture is irresponsible, passive and absent fathers.  Until fathers take their rightful place in the family and policy and opinion makers acknowledge the “absence” of real dads, there is, in my opinion, little hope for renewal in our culture.

Men, I know that all of you who read this blog want to be good dads.  I am now a 72 year old Grandfather.  When I was a very young father, I learned of my responsibility before the Lord to be a father.  Eph. 6:4 was very convicting to me. “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.  My NIV bible has this note on “exasperate. “Fathers must surrender any right they may feel that they have to act unreasonably toward their children.”  I did the best with the what I had to be a dad.  So dads take heart, if this is your intention, as you come before the Lord.  Crying out for mercy, he will meet your need in the task of fathering.

I keep little notes on my desk, which I have copied down, thinking they would be the making of a good blog for men.  Here is a quote I got from some place that I keep coming back to in my pondering about the lives of men who read my blogs. “We suffer more from our imagination than from reality.”  We read in Isaiah 65:2, “All day long I have held out my hands to an obstinate people, who walk in ways not good, pursuing their own imaginations…”

Our imagination is a wonderful gift from God. But if our inner gaze is not on the Lord and our minds are not “washed” in the cleansing power of God’s Word, our imagination can cause great harm to our souls. Ezekiel prophesied concerning this washing.  “I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols.  I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh ( Ezk. 36:25-26).  I don’t know about you, but I can imagine myself into some pretty deep holes of fear, worry and anxiety fairly quickly, especially when I think about an uncertain future that I have no control over.  My imagination can run wild at times.

What do I do? There are at least two vital practices that get me settled down and experiencing the peace that passing all my understanding.  First, I turn my heart’s gaze away from myself and my circumstances  unto the Lord,  “My heart says of you, ‘Seek his face!’  Your face, Lord, I will seek”  (Ps 27:8).  With the awareness that Jesus is within me, I direct my imagination, that is, my gaze on him. I am not navel gazing, but being aware of God’s presence.  This I do in faith, knowing this is absolute reality.  God is at the center.  Sometimes it bad enough, that I cry out like the blind man, who wanted so desperately to be with Jesus.  “Jesus, have mercy on me.”  I need help to “center” myself in the Lord.

The second thing I need to do, is allow my mind to  feed on God’s word.  Jesus tells us, “The Spirit can make life.  Sheer muscle and willpower don’t make anything happen.  Every word I’ve spoken to you is a Spirit word, and so it is life-making” (The Message John 6:63).  Men, our imaginations need to have life infused into them, so that we can visualize the truth and action of God in our lives.  This is what Paul had to say about what we should do with our minds. “I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and, meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious – the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse” (The Message – Phil 4:8).

I am leading a small group of men at my church on Wednesday evenings.  We are focusing on various descriptions of God based on the letters of the alphabet. Last week it was the letter “D.”  Our discussion centered on the phrase, “You are the God who DEFENDS me.”  It provoked some interesting discussion.  We struggled with an understanding of when and how  God defends us.  Our discussion brought to mind for me the concept of “the umbrella of protection”  which has been helpful me on the journey.

The question that each man has to ask is this, “Am I under the protective covering of God?”  This implies submission to the Lordship of Jesus Christ.  If a man is not under the Lordship of Jesus, he has no umbrella of protection, especially from the forces of darkness.  He has to find his own covering.  Where does that leave a man?  Out from under his covering, vulnerable, out matched and out witted by the enemy of his soul.  Remember Jesus said that the enemy, “comes only to steal and kill and destroy”  (John 8:10).

I Peter give us specific instruction on how to resist the devil, whom he says, “prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (5:8).  We are to “resist him, standing firm in the faith..” (5:9).  But in order to resist and be firm in faith we have to be in the right posture or standing.  Peter exhorts us, “All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, ‘God opposes the proud, but shows favor to the humble.’  Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s might hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (5:5-7)

So there you have it men.  We need daily to submit our proud ego self to the Lord, coming under “God’s might hand,” remembering that God opposes the proud but give grace to the humble.  Grace is the power to resist and stand firm.  But it is found in a posture of humility as we come under his might hand.  So the question  to ponder is whether or not we are under the mighty hand of God.  This is our umbrella of protection.  I know for myself, the practice of humbling myself is a daily practice.  My old willful patterns take me out from my protection.  In humility and repentance I need to daily submit myself to Jesus.  There I can rest in his promise found in Exodus 14:13, “Do not be afraid.  Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today.  The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.  The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Ex 14:13-14)

Remember the parables of the hidden treasure and the priceless pearl.  From The Message  –  “God’s kingdom is like a treasure hidden in a field for years and then accidentally found by a trespasser.  The finder is ecstatic – what a find! – and proceeds to sell everything he owns to raise money and buy that field.  Or, God’s kingdom is like a jewel merchant on the hunt for excellent pearls.  Finding one that is flawless, he immediately sells everything and buys it” (Matt 13:44-46).  In the first instance the treasure is found accidentally, the second after an intense search.  The result for both is great joy.

Men, do you at times struggle wondering about the presence of God in your life?  In the gospels the kingdom is the manifest presence of God in the earth and in our lives.  The message of the two parables is that either by accident or after a serious search is the kingdom is found.  The response was is to sell everything to gain the treasure.  The kingdom is here in the presence of Jesus.  We don’t have to stumble into kingdom reality or search frantically for the presence of  Jesus.  Jesus tells us in Luke 17:20-21 that the kingdom is within us.  “The coming of the kingdom of God is not something that can be observed, nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is within you.”  In other words, you have it all in Jesus”.

One of our default modes in our spiritual journey as men is the manner in which we feel we must work to attain God’s presence  In the presence of a loving, caring, and generous God, we feel we must perform to measure up. It will never be enough.  Well, this is not a kingdom principle. No, when you open your mind and heart to the Lord Jesus, he comes in and fills you with His presence.  You have fullness.  There is no more to get. The kingdom presence is the presence of eternal life  now.  Jesus told the woman at the well, “but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst.  Indeed, the water I give them will become in the a spring of water welling up to eternal life” (John 7:13).  The well is found within.

As men it is so easy to be involved in our “salvation improvement projects.”  But remember it will never be enough to attain what you search for.  It is all found through the mercy and grace of our Lord, making the riches of the kingdom available without string attached.  Paul worked as hard as anyone to get it all.  But in the end he had to say, “Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant – dog dung” (Phil 3:8).  Yes, all your efforts to attain end up being “dog dung.”  You receive it all through grace.  You have it all.  It is a matter of becoming aware of what you have in Jesus.  So relax and learn to receive what is already in you.

As you may have noticed, I will often quote from “The Message” version of the Bible.  While I agree that The Message should not be our primary study bible, I find that it speaks truth into my life in new and fresh ways.  Today I want to refer to Luke 19:26  from The Message.  “Risk your life and get more than you ever dreamed of.  Play it safe and end up holding the bag.”  The NIV reads as follows. “I tell you that to everyone who has, more will be given, but as for the one who has nothing, even what they have will be taken away.”

This Message passage got me to thinking again about how easy it is to slip into “the passivity mode” in my primary relationships, especially with my wife.   Larry Crabb in discussing relational masculinity, observes that a man reflects God, “by remembering what is important and moving into a disordered situation with the strength to make an important difference.”  So failure in relational masculinity would imply neglecting what is important, not wanting to enter into the chaos of intertwining emotions with the strength that is unique to me as a man.  Wow!  Does that relate to any man reading this blog.  Going back to the passage from The Message, I have a choice.  I can risk or play it safe and get left “holding the bag.”

So what is a man to do?  It looks pretty obvious.  Remembering what is important, that is, my wife and her emotional needs, I need to risk my life and jump into what I call “the soup of emotional relationships.”   Men let me say it as gently, yet as firmly as I can, you need to risk entering into what Crabb calls the “disordered situation.”  Your wife and those close to you, need your strength.  You are unique as the man, reflecting to glory of God in a manner different from your wife.  She needs your strength; not your passive sideline indifference

You need to know that you will not find your strength, by being passive, by fleeing from the disorder.  NO, you have to enter into disorder.  That’s how you grow and find your strength.  As you enter the chaos your weakness and vulnerability will be exposed.  It it then that  we  cry out for mercy, asking for help in our weakness.  “God, help me navigate this disorder I feel with my wife.” God will give you what you need.  You will begin to find your strength in Him.  You will not grow in your relationship, on the sidelines.  You will find yourself, “holding your own bag,”  alone, not connecting with others.

In my last post I referred to the arrows that have been placed in our souls, due to painful circumstances and relationships encountered on our journey.  These wounds, which we would rather neglect, can fester for years, resulting in emotional pain that men try to bury.   These wound need to be acknowledge, so that we are able to carry them gracefully not painfully.

The Psalmist knew how to pray over his  pain. “I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart.  All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you” (Ps. 38:8-9).   If  we neglect to embrace the greater story of God’s love for us in the midst of our wounds, we can become trapped in our own small, dark, and painful story.  We need to let the light of God’s love and grace shine on those dark inner wounds we have tired to hide for years.

Richard Rohr points out that in our limited story, “our wounds can make us embittered victims…..The Christian way is to embrace our wounds and accept them as the price of the  journey.”  We do this, when by faith we allow Jesus into our story of pain.  His larger, redemptive story relating to our pain then becomes part of our story.  In the process we are able to accept and integrate our wounds into our story. “The healing lies in the fact that our wounds no longer defeat us or cause us to harm ourselves or others.  Wounds become our daily offering to God, and they develop in us compassion toward the weakness of others.” (Rohr).  Julian of Norwich has said, “our wounds become our honors.”

Men we have no trouble finding help for our physical wounds.  But our spiritual and emotional wounds are a different matter.  We hide from them, while they go on creating difficulty in our relationships.  Remember that Jesus is our healer.  “He took up our infirmities and bore our diseases.” (Mat 8:17).  My strong encouragement is to let Jesus into your whole story, which includes those painful arrows.  It will take time for the healing to come.  But in time they will become part of your redemptive story.  You will be able to talk about the arrows, while giving  thanks and praise to God for the healing.

Matthew West in his song “The Healing Has Begun” expresses this well:    “There is a world full of people/dying from broken hearts/holding unto their guilt/thinking they fell too far/so don’t be afraid to show them your beautiful scares/they’re the proof, you’re the proof.”

Parker Palmer got me to thinking about the male soul, when he compared the soul  to a “wild animal.”    “Like a wild animal,” observes Palmer, “the soul is tough, resilient, resourceful, savvy and self-sufficient; it knows how to survive in hard places…..yet despite its toughness, the soul is also shy.  Just like a wild animal, it seeks safety in the dense underbrush, especially when other people are around.”  This imagery is very real to me since I encounter white tail deer daily on my walks.  The deer will flee from intruders.  The only exception is the male deer during the mating season.  He will often stare me down up until the last moment, and the flee into the safety of the woods.

I think we can all agree that the male soul is shy.  We have learned to be self-sufficient, seemingly resilient and even tough minded.   But when it comes to the secrets of the soul we are shy. Ask most wives if this is not true.   The years of painful arrows from others that get lodged in our souls, cause us to be shy.  We hide our pain, often forming  deep wells of grief, that we fear will spill over into our personal relationships.  Similar to the wild deer, we have learned to flee into the “underbrush” of silence, rather than work through our pain with others.   This tendency to flee is a sign of our weakness.  We are not able to process our inner pain, so we head to the woods in fear of being exposed.

So what is a man to do?  Let me make a few suggestions.  First, and foremost, come to a trusting relationship with your Heavenly Father, that you are deeply loved.  Listen to Jesus prayer on our behalf. “I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them” (John 17:28).  This love is literally poured into our hearts.  “……God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us” (Rom 5:5).  Remember God loves you not as you should be, but just as you are.  He is loving you in you well of grief.  As I have said many times on this blog, “You have just sit there and receive the love.”

Secondly, with a firm hold on the objective truth of God’s Word and assurance of  the guidance of the Holy Spirit, allow yourself to begin to taste the pain and sorrow in the well of grief within your soul.  Allow yourself to go down into the realities of your story.  It will not be easy.  The only way that you will process your secrets is by coming to know them.  Thirdly, if at all possible find a trusted “soul friend,” who will loving and patiently listen to your story.  This friend can help you expose, verbalize and then integrate your experience of pain.

What I am suggestion is not the normal “male thing” to do.  I know from experience.  But how else will the shy male soul learn to show up in those important and intimate relationships, except through the practice of coming out of the “woods” and sharing with a trust friend.  I only wish I could sit down with each man reading  this blog, and help them come out of the woods, into light and freedom there is in Christ.  “He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me” (Ps 18:18).