A book that deeply impacted my life in the 80’s was  Robert Bly’s “Iron John.”  I never forgot his discussion of  “soft males.”  “They’re not interested in harming the earth or starting wars.  There’s a gentle attitude toward life in their whole  being and style of living.  But many of these men are not happy.  You quickly notice the lack of energy in them.  They are life-preserving but not exactly life-giving.  Ironically, you often see these men with strong women who positively radiate energy.”

I was convicted.  You see, I have a people pleasing personality.  I can easily get trapped into being an enabler (life-preserving).  I want to be a niece guy who gets along with everyone.   But after reading about the soft male, I began to cry out to God to form in me a strong, courageous heart so that I might be “life-giving.”  I desired to be a man of conviction, who had a servant’s heart, being able to be vulnerable from a place of inner strength.  I wanted to have a strong heart, so that I would have the courage to practice “downward mobility.” with others.

Men,  let me ask you? Are you more into life-preserving rather than life-giving.  Do women who “radiate energy” threaten you? The present cultural climate effectively squeezes  men into a very uncomfortable and limited stance of being “soft males.”  Listen to Phillips’ translation of Romans 12:2, “Don’t let the world around you squeeze you into it own mold, but let God re-make you so that your whole attitude of mind is changed.  Thus you will prove in practice that the will of God’s good, acceptance to him and perfect.”   I am convinced that a man who is desiring to follow Jesus in our day, will have to be first “inner directed” before he is “outer directed.”  The energy that Bly refers to comes from deep within our spirit.  It emerges from a heart that practices the “cruciform” life daily, that is,  death to our old ways (life-preserving) , and the birth of new life in Jesus (life-giving), radiating up from within.

Navigating  a lifestyle that reflects both strength and vulnerability (tough and tender) is not easy.  Voices within the church call for for men to be either “tough” or “tender.”  Men are confused as to which they should be.  I say we are to be both (tough and tender).  But it begins with death to our old self (sin patterns)  and the ways we have visualized being a man.  Jesus taught that  wel become life giving when we are willing to die. Listen to his words, “…Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed.  But if it dies, it produces many seeds.  Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life” (John 12:24-25).  Men, the new life of Jesus that can radiates up through your soul, will produce a man who is both tough and tender, because it will reflect the character of Jesus.

When I am reading, I often run across a quote that I sense will speak to men on the journey.  This quote is from William McDavid.  “Being loved with weaknesses, being truly loved and being self-sufficient are in conflict.  Being loved, at its height, means being loved within our weakness and failures, being loved in a way that is simultaneous with being known.  But being self-sufficient means pretending those weaknesses do not exist, it entails performing and earning.”  Other than scripture, this is a quote worthy of a place on your mirror when you shave each morning.  As someone who has labored on the journey for many years, this quote is “pure manna” for the souls of men.

When I read this quote I was reminded of the Apostle Paul, boasting of his weakness.  “If I must boast, I will boast of  the things that show my weakness” (II Cor11:30).  Again he says of himself, “I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses”  (II Cor 12:5).  Paul could live vulnerably because of  his assurance of God’s grace in his life. “But he (Lord) said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me” (II Cor 12:9).  In all of his difficulties he learned that “when I am weak, then I am strong” (II Cor 12:10).

Why is this quote “manna” for our souls.  My comments are the result of a great deal of “trial and error” on the journey to a more integrated sense of my masculinity.  First, I need to let my guard down.  My self-sufficiency  leaves me lonely and isolated from God, myself and others, in a dark cave of isolation.  In my self sufficiency I cancel out the grace of God that has the power to bring healing to my frightened and insecure heart. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  So, Al keep your wounded heart open to the grace of God.  His power will show through my weaknesses.

Secondly, when I am willing to  dismantle my protective wall, I am surprised that God truly loves me within my weaknesses and failures.  Not till I open my heart to the love of God, do I come the wonderful realization that God loves the real me, in all my “stink.”  If God loves you the way you are, Al, the real you, its makes it easier to  accept the real me; the good, the bad and the ugly.

Thirdly, I realize that my “performing” for God, that is, my pretending is really a cover for failing to accept my weaknesses. I have spent too much time and energy trying to “earn” God’s favor.  It is wonderful to just rest and relax in his love as a “beloved sinner.”  God give me grace to “boast” in my weakness, because that is when I will experience your  power  make perfect in my life.

Recently I read two articles, each containing a statement that I thought was  insightful for those of are followers of Jesus in our present day culture. The first was from Robert P. George, professor of jurisprudence at Princeton University and a professing Christian.  He stated:  “The days of acceptable Christianity are over.”  He observed that our society calls Christian beliefs bigoted and hateful.  “They despise us if we refuse to call good evil and evil good.”  The other was by a theologian, Russell Moore.  He reflected on the “loss of the illusion of a majority in this country,”  referring to the Christian point of view.  Yet he went on to say that this was a good thing for the gospel and for the church.

What do you think men?  Are the days of acceptable Christianity over?  Do some believers live with the illusion that Christianity is still a majority expression in our culture?  I was reminded of Jesus’ words in his dialogue with Pharisees, “You have a saying that goes, ‘Red sky at night, sailor’s delight; red sky at morning, sailors take warning.’  You find it easy enough to forecast the weather – why can’t you read the signs of the times?  And evil and wanton generation is always wanting signs and wonders. The only sign you’ll get is the Jonah sign.” (Matt 16:3-4 – Message).   How do you read “the signs of the times?”  Our clearest sign, Jesus tells us, will be that of Jonah, that is, the death and resurrection of Jesus.

This brings me to one of my on-going mantras with men.  “You can’t go wrong when you keep your focus on Jesus”.  Why? Because Jesus holds all things together. “He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” (Col 1:17) Jesus is the center. When the center holds, everything else will find its rightful place.  As men we are wired to look at the big picture.  I don’t know about you, but when I try to make spiritual sense out of the big picture in our culture,  I can get discouraged and defensive.  So I have to catch myself and get back to the center (Jesus).

The following two postures have been helpful for me.  First, I stop and give thanks that I belong to the kingdom of God.  We read in Rev 5:10, “You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God, and they will reign on earth.’  Jesus has been given authority to establish his kingdom reign on the earth.  We now are spiritually part of this kingdom.  We live in the “in-between” period.  One  day we will reign with Jesus on the earth.  We are at war, but we know the outcome.  Men, we are overcomers.  ‘This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith”.” (I John 5:4)

The second posture is part of the prayer Jesus taught us to pray (Lord’s prayer).   I pray this often as intercessory prayer. I pray “your kingdom would come” and that “your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.”  Simply praying these two petitions keeps my focus on Jesus.  I’m encouraged by Paul’s words.  “If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter.  He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.” (Rom. 8:26 – Message).

Leanne Payne, whose ministry of inner healing has been very formative in my life, uses the phrase, “stand in your pain.”  She is referring, of course, to the pain caused by our sins and the sins of others becoming lodged in our souls. John Eldredge calls them “arrows”.  As we deal with this pain, we are encouraged to look up with “the eyes of our hearts” (Eph. 1:18) and see Jesus bearing our pain in his body.  Matt 8:17 reminds us that Jesus, “took up our infirmities and bore our diseases.” (Matt 8:17).   We are to stand erect, looking “up and out” to Jesus.  The danger is  to be bent in on self or looking to others for approval and affirmation.

I found this phrase most helpful for at least four reasons.  First, dealing with my pain, that is, the residue of guilt, shame, disappointment, fear, etc. is a process.  The pain indicates the cancerous affects of sin in my soul.  At first I don’t want to admit what is being exposed.  So I stand exposed in my pain.  Secondly, I have learned there is a place to go with my pain.  I can go to Jesus.  He sees, understands and is able to handle anything I bring to him.  Thirdly, not only does Jesus understand, but he took my pain into his body on the cross.  Fourthly, at the foot of the cross standing in my pain, looking up to Jesus on the cross, I can unload my awful burden unto him.

Men, listen to the way The Message puts it in Col 2:13-15, “When you were stuck in your old sin-dead life, you were incapable of responding to God.  God brought you alive – right along with Christ.  Think  of it!  All sins forgiven, the slate wiped clean, that old arrest warrant canceled and nailed to Christ’s cross.  He stripped all the spiritual tyrants in the universe of their sham authority at the Cross and marched them naked through the street.”  The arrest warrant for your sin has been nailed to the cross.

Men, I exhort you, after all these years of being a follower of Jesus, don’t loss your focus on the cross.  If you begin to have doubts about God love and commitment to you,  just spend some time at the cross.  There you will find love and mercy reaching out to you.  I know I cry out for  mercy often.  I am not deserving of mercy, but because of his great love and sacrifice for me on the cross, I can come as a  man in need of God mercy.  Praise God!!

There may be a man who is in a dark and lonely place as you read this blog.  I declare to you, on the authority of God’s Word, that Jesus has taken your burden unto himself.  Our part is to stand up, erect, looking to Jesus and offering this simple prayer.  It is the desperate prayer of blind Bartimaeus in his desperate situation, he had only one chance to get the attention of Jesus.  His prayer was simple, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me.” (Mark 10: 47)  Jesus hears such a prayer and will be with you.  You might have to keep praying it for a time.   But Jesus will be there and will carry your load.

Men, we need as followers of Jesus to be aware of being contaminated by  “Pharisee yeast”  on our journey with Jesus.  Listen to this warning from Jesus. “Watch yourselves carefully so you don’t get contaminated with Pharisee yeast. Pharisee phoniness.  You  can’t keep your true self hidden forever; before long you’ll be exposed.  You can’t hide behind  a religious mask forever; sooner or later the mask will slip and your true face will be known.  You can’t whisper one thing in private and preach the opposite in public; the day’s coming when those whispers  will be repeated all over town.” (Luke 12:2-3 – Message)

“Pharisee yeast” is found not in the culture but  in the church, in  men’s groups, and in the heart of every follower of Jesus.  You see, this yeast is really a religious spirit.  It is manifested in “the church guy” whose walk with Jesus in  mostly a “white – knuckling”  performance of  trying to be good.  How do I know?  I did it for years as a pastor.  After all, I was supposed to be on the top of my game.  “Performance orientation” as the name of my game as a “professional holy man.” On the inside I was working hard to keep on the religious mask (white-knuckling). My greatest fear was that my true face would be exposed to others.

What finally got to me, as a “niece Christian guy,” was my anger.  I had a “floating bitterness” that I inflicted on my family and the church in my preaching.  My religious mask was slipping,  the more I was”white-knuckling” my walk with Jesus.  The best thing that happened to me, back there in the middle 80’s, is finding of a male “soul friend.” A “male mother” is the description Richard Rohr uses.  It is another guy who is good at listening to the movements of your soul, while loving you. It was such a relief to admit my anger to another guy, knowing that God loved me in my condition.  I could be just myself, with all my spiritual stink.

All the spiritual improvement projects that I came up with to keep my spiritual mask from falling were no longer working.  With my spiritual friend, Hal, a Methodist Pastor, I was able to begin to share my secrets.  The pressure was off. What relief there was in being honest.  I know I had to open up and give it all up to Jesus.  “If you don’t go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don’t deserve me.  If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me. (Matt 10:38-39 – Message)

Is there some guy reading this blog today who feels simply like a “religious shirt,’ that is, you know you are only going through the motions.   There is no substance –  it is all outward show – a shirt.  I know how you feel.  I was there at one time. I am still tempted to “play the religious game.”  What is the key?  Name your white-knuckling performing.   Relax in the presence of Jesus and another brother and let it all go.  Fall into the arms of a loving God as a wounded, insecure child.  Open your protective, fearful heart to his love.  You might need a “male mother” type guy to help you.

Having worked with men’s groups for many years, I have learned to identify three levels of conversation among Christian brothers.  First there is the general “guy talk”.  Men are most comfortable at this level. Wes Yoder suggests that the perfect conversation for men can be summed up in eight words, “Can you believe the weather at that game?”  The second is “God talk.”  This is generally “safe” objective talk about spiritual matters   The third is “soul talk.”  This conversation goes to the hurt and pain inside.  Men need to learn to do soul talk.

Christian men living in a post-Christian America can develop a “critical spirit,”  as they lament the lack of support for a biblical worldview in a culture,  with a growing  anti-Christian bias.  It is easy to fall into whining.  It very well could be that we, like the people of Israel, are traveling through a wilderness.  We can not ask the culture to do for us, what we as believers have to do for ourselves.  God’s presence will go with us and he will provide for our needs, as he did for the people of Israel.

Every morning God miraculously provided manna as food.  But we read,  “the riffraff among the people had a craving and soon they had the People of Israel whining, ‘Why can’t we have meat? We ate fish in Egypt – and got it free! – to say nothing of the cucumbers and melons, the leeks and onions and garlic.  But nothing tastes good out here; all we get is manna, manna, manna.'” (Numbers 11: 4-6 – The Message)  Years ago, Keith Green wrote a song about the whining of the people Israel as they complained about “manna burgers” every day.  They took their eyes off of God’s presence among them and whined about his provision for the journey.  They wanted to go back to the way it used to be in Egypt.  They were still cultural enslaved to life in Egypt.  How enslaved can we be to the culture?

Men, don’t let your fellowship with other brothers allow a critical spirit to develop, giving you license to whine about how bad the culture  is becoming.  Yes, we need to be a salt and light in a dark world, but we are not going to get the culture to “dance to our tune.” We have to take a long look at our own life ( soul talk).  Our character formation is what matters.  Men need to challenge each other with the question, “Am I becoming more of who Jesus wants me to be in the culture?”  We need to see what a great opportunity we have to be lights in a darkening cultural environment.

What will that look like.  Recently I read this description of Jesus.  Jesus Christ modeled authentic manhood by, ” joyful responsibility, humble service, and courageous leadership.”  We have the opportunity to reflect these three qualities to the world.  Jesus cautions us when he says, “If you don’t go all the way with me, through think and thin, you don’t deserve me.  If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself.  But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me.” (Matt 10: 38-39 – The Message).  In looking to Jesus and not the culture, we will  find our true self.

For many years I have known that my call has been to minister to “the soul life” of men.  The “care of souls” has defined much of what motivates me in men’s ministry.   I started using the word “soul” intentionally, when others were shying away from “soul talk.”  So I was thrilled to see a bestselling author like John Ortberg, talking about soul in his new book “Soul Keeping.”

Ortberg compares the soul to a car.  “If you want to care for your car, you  have to know what the parts do.”  You need to look at what is under the hood.  We not only have a soul but we are a soul; we are “embodied souls“.  Genesis 2:7 reminds us that God, “formed Man out of dirt from the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life.  The Man came alive – a living soul.” – The Message).  The soul observes Ortberg, “is what holds us all together, what connects our will and our minds, our bodies and connects us to God.”  A healthy soul is whole and integrated, connected to God, at peace with God, with himself and with others.  To have an unhealthy soul  is to live in denial with what is going on inside.  “One of the worst parts about having an unhealthy soul is we’re able to keep ourselves from seeing how unhealthy it is,” observes Ortberg.

Men, how is the health of your soul?  This comes to you as a “soul alert.  From  my experience  men need to  become “soulful”, not neglecting their souls, but listening to what the soul has to tell them.   Men naturally want to stay in “the control tower” of reason and control.  But remember the soul is the deepest part of who we are –  a mystery to befriend rather than neglect.  It is shy, needing to be welcomed into awareness.  Soul  is the most personal term we have to describe our life with God.  Eugene Peterson reminds us that “soul has given way to ‘self’ as the term of choice to designate who and what we are.  Self is the soul minus God.”  A lot of “self talk” needs to be replace with “soul talk.”

So, men here are some tips on being more soulful, while maintain a healthy soul.  1) Ask for grace to accept what is going on in your soul, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  This is the real you.  Hiding is unhealthy.  2) Admit your  neglect of your inner life – living in illusions not reality.  3) Admit your fear of listening to your soul.  It takes courage to see what is really in your “tank.” A lot has been stored there waiting to come into the light.  4)  Have courage to face the pain .  You need to “get to” and “through” the pain.  5) Keep your eyes on Jesus, to find help in  separating the good from the bad.  You might need a “spiritual friend.”

Remember this comes to you as a “soul alert.”    Most men are uncomfortable with “soul talk.”  I am asking each of you to consider the healthy of your soul.  It is your center.  Don’t neglect it. “And what do you benefit if you gain to whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?” (Matt 16:26)

I recently came across a new term related to men in our culture.  It is called the “man box.”  “In the absence of emotional authenticity, American men become homogeneous in their expression of self.  This encourages their location, willingly or otherwise, in what many writers have come to call the Man Box.  The Man Box is a set of rigid expectations that define what a ‘real man.'”  Basically it is a “rambo”  type man who is self sufficient, expressed in a guise of competency.

But the Man Box exposes the  incompetency of men in relationships.  Asking another man to “please be my friend” represents a social risk of failure because men have given little attention to cultivating this kind of interpersonal risk taking.  “It creates a moment of uncertainty that is agonizing for men.  To ask for friendship suggests vulnerability, flexible social standing or even willingness to admit need.”  Most of these values are in short supply in typical male relationships.

Men, I can not stress the importance of “male bonding.”  I can speak from personal experience working with men for many years.  I only wish I would have opened my heart to other men sooner.  Even though I am a “heart” type of guy (ENFJ – Myers- Briggs) I was well into my fifties before I opened up with other guys.  I spent a lot of years protecting my wounded, fearful heart.   My biggest learning was this: When I experienced other men loving me for who I really was, it gave me a heart that could finally open up to the love of God.   Praise God!!!

Find a group of guys that are committed to “soul talk.”  Or find another brother who is willing to risk talking about the pain in his heart.  Remember, men move in “circles of competence.”  Social risk making is not rewarded.  But living  risk free has it price.  Men are left feeling disconnected, hidden or unfulfilled.  Communication with our wives and children will be hindered.  Being a husband and dad requires vulnerability and transparency, not competence and and knowing the answers.  At home the “fix-it” mentality will not heal family wounds or resolve family secrets.

Men, we need to embrace the “uncertainty” of connecting at the soul level with other guys.  This is where we learn to relate emotionally as men.   It is in these conversations that we learn  to be honest and authentic.  We are being real rather than competent.  Uncertainty in relationships takes courage, because there is risk involved.  Remember without risk, there will be little relational growth.  Find a group of guys that are willing to share their secrets, rather than their successes.  “Does anyone bring a lamp home and put it under a washtub or beneath the bed?  Don’t you put it up on a table or on the mantel?  We’re not keeping secrets, we’re telling them: we’re not hiding things, we’re bringing them out into the open” (Mark 4:21-22 – The Message).

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In Luke 21, Jesus is talking about the future when he says, “They will hand you over to synagogues and put you in prison, and you will be  brought  before kings and governors, and all on account of my name.  And so you will bear testimony to me” (v. 12-13).  Could the time come when men of God will be called upon to testify in difficult times?   To name the name of Jesus in our day is much more risky than just ten years ago.  How will you respond in adversity?  Consider the number of times Jesus warned his followers about being “hated.”

The following definition of the masculinity came to mind, when I ponder being a godly man in our culture.  “The power to honor the truth – to speak it and be it – is at the heart of true masculinity.” (Leanne Payne).  Truth is hard to come by in our Post-modern age, when our culture has accepted the proposition that truth is relative.   Paul warned us, “You’re going to find that there will be times when people will have no stomach for solid teaching, but will fill up on spiritual junk food – catchy opinions that tickle their fancy.  They’ll turn their backs on truth and chase mirages” (II Tim 2:3-4 – The Message).

I am personally grieved at the manner in which “church people” are being blinded to the truth.  A cloud of deception seems to  prevent many from seeing what is happening in our culture.  I sometimes feel like a “watchmen on the walls” wanting to cry out,  “Don’t you see what is on the horizon.”  Jesus warned of this when He quoted Isaiah: “You will be ever hearing but never understanding; you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.  For this people’s heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes” (Matt 13:14-15).

Men, I trust that you want to be a “truth-teller” in our culture.   The true masculine expression will honor the truth. Godly men will not only speak truthfully but also live by the truth   Our intention and commitment must be settled. We will live by the truth, no matter what. So what does that look like?

This is how I see it for my own life.  First, acceptance of Scripture as the expression of “objective reality.”  This is how reality works.  Secondly, to be a humble, loving follower of the truth.  This means allowing Jesus to transform my life from the inside out.  No secrets.  Thirdly, desire to live a life of integrity.  Head and heart flow together.  Fourthly, to live an authentic life.  What you see is the real me.  Fifthly, admit  and confess when I have failed to live up to the truth. “Lord, help me to be an honest man in all areas of my life.”

Finally, remember the wonderful promise of Jesus: “If you stick with this, living out what I tell you, you are my disciples for sure.  Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you” (John 8:32 – The Message).  Truth will free you from that self-enclosed, dark, fearful, insecure, lonely hiding place within, bringing you into the light, allowing you to live freely.

Another subject that came up at our recent “Wildman” Saturday was the relationship with our fathers.  Some still had dads alive, while others had lost their dads.  When men get honest about their past unresolved pain, the subject often turns to our fathers.  So we talked about the struggle of “honoring” our fathers, even though the relationship might not have been that great.

As most of you probably know the command to honor father and mother is the only commandment with a promise.  We read in Deut. 5:16, “Honor your father and mother, as the Lord your God has commanded, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”  To dishonor our father will cause our life not to “go well.”  We will sow  the bad seeds of resentment  planted in our soul, producing bad fruit in our relationships, especially at home.  Mark it down – it is a spiritual principle.  How do you react when your wife says, “you are just like your father?”

Years ago I learned a valuable lesson in the honoring of my father from John and Paula Sandford  through their ministry of inner healing.  They called Prov 20:20 their “20/20 vision” scripture.  ‘”If a man curses his father and mother, his lamp will be snuffed out in pitch darkness.”  What I learned was this:  “That single fifth commandment is a description in all human life of the way reality works. In every area consciously or unconsciously that we judged or dishonored our parents, in that very area life will not go well with us.”  I learned to forgive my Dad, let him go, love him and honor him, without any expectations, because of this commandment.

I know in this short blog I may be opening up a “can of worms” for some men.  But my point is this.  Take the commandment to heart.  If you are not honoring your Father, begin to do so.  It will take some soul work.  Begin by being honest about any anger or bitterness you may harbor.  Ask God to soften your heart.  Talk to another brother about your struggle.  As you go through the process of forgiving and letting go, ask God for the strength and grace to “honor” your father.  My dad and I never had a close relationship.  He never dealt with his heart issues.  But because I went through the process of forgiving and letting go, I could honor my dad

Men, as a father it is important to model honoring your father.  You do not want to have “bad seeds” planted in your children that are a result of your bitterness and hurt.  I know I had to stop ‘bad seeds” from being planted in my family, because they are passed down to me by my father.  Men, you can stop the growth of these seeds by humbly coming to the cross, where you can confess your judgments on your father, thus laying down a heavy burden.  It will be a gift to your family.