In this blog I am especially thinking of  men who has children at home.  We are all aware of how swiftly our culture is losing even the memory of the Christian story.  The story of a loving Creator God, who has entered human history, in the person of His Son,  to rescue us from our sinful condition, is a story that is openly rejected and even blasphemed.  It, therefore, becomes apparent that fathers are going to have to remember to tell the story, so our children not only remember, but also can ask the question, “How then shall we  live?”

With this in mind, I want to challenge not only fathers, but  grandfathers and single men to “remember” the story.  In Exodus 12 we read that Israel is about to flee Egypt.  God institutes the “Passover” and told them, “This is a day to remember.  Each year, from generation to generation, you must celebrate it as a special festival to the Lord.  This is a law for all time” (Ex 12: 14).  Later in the chapter we read, “And when your children ask you, ‘What does this ceremony mean to you?’ then tell them, ‘It is the Passover sacrifice to the Lord…” (26-27)

Men, our children are increasingly going to ask, “What does this mean?” when it comes to way of Jesus.  How are we as fathers and grandfathers going to reply?   Our challenge, living in present day America, is to keep the memory of the story alive in the hearts and minds of our children.  How do we do this?  One of our greatest opportunities is at family meal time.  This thought came to me as I was reading in interview of Larry Crabb.  He observed, after consulting scholars, that the Hebrew word for “male” satar, means “one who remembers and moves.”  I thought, “Yes, a father is to remember and then show his family that he is moving  with Jesus.”  He is putting it all on the line before his family; not hiding or excusing but leading.

I realize that for some of you, gathering together at the family table for a meal is a challenge.  But I want to challenge the fathers, who read this blog, to do all you can to have a consistent pattern of your family for having a meal together.  Table fellowship, along with family devotions has been lost in many Christian homes.  During and after the meal,  the father of the house, has a golden opportunity to share the story of Jesus.  It was one of the most important practices Judy and I maintained raising our family.

Men, use the meal time to ask your kids about their day.  Show genuine interest in their lives.   Allow for discussion and dialogue.  Use these times to tell the story of Jesus.  Then, when your meal is finished have a devotional time.  Remember the story of Jesus, not only by the use of Scripture, but also by your example.  Tell what is going on in your life.  You are modeling to your children each day an example of fatherhood that will stay with them the rest of their life.  I know from my own experience as a father that it was during those family devotion that I “put it all on the line.”  Nothing in my family life, kept me more humble and dependent on the Lord, then when I had to lead in devotions after the meal.

I could not help but write a blog about the return of LeBron James to Cleveland.  As the fans in Cleveland celebrated his return there was one sign that caught my attention  – “The King has returned.”  These were the words of an adoring follower.  I personally admire Lebron as a great basketball player as well as a fine person.  His intention about coming back to Northeast Ohio are admirable.  “I feel my calling here goes above basketball”, he said of his move to Cleveland. “I have a responsibility to lead, in more ways than one, and I take that very seriously…I want kids in Northeast Ohio, like the hundreds of Akron third-graders I sponsor through my foundation, to realize that there’s no better place to grow up.”

But as a sports fan I need to keep my admiration of great athletics in perspective.  Christian author, Tim Keller warns us that the human heart is an “idol factory.”  In Ezekiel 14:3 God says of the elders of Israel, “These men have set up their idols in their hearts.” Men need to cautioned about unknowingly filling the void in their souls by admiring sports figures.  This void can only be filled with an intimate relationship with God.   Remember men, the deepest desire in your soul is for God.  Only he can fill the void.

Our culture and the sports media have given sports figure like Lebron James almost  mythical status.  All the pregame hype on TV makes them out to be almost super human.  They are talked about in words of adoration and awe.  We overlook their moral flaws and are deeply disappointment when they do not preform as expected.  As followers of Jesus we need to keep this hype in perspective.  Why?  The spiritual void in our culture that has erased a sense of the supernatural, can easily produce counterfeit worship.  We are made to adore and worship greatness.

So as a sports fan, in a climate that seems to be giving greater adulation and honor to the “super-heroes” of sports I need to keep my focus on Jesus.  The Palmist said that he would “gaze upon the beauty of the Lord” and “would seek him in his temple.” (Ps 27:4)  The Message says,  “I’ll contemplate his beauty.”  In other words, I will find myself being thrilled and caught up in the greatness of who Jesus is as Lord of my life.  As I gaze on him with my spiritual eyes, I am filled with light. “It started when God said, ‘Light up the darkness!’  and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful.” (II Cor. 4:6 – The Message)

Again this blog comes as a “soul alert.”  Don’t underestimate the pull of the culture on your soul.  Football season is about to begin.  If your wife finds you absent emotionally and your kids want some of your time, it could be you have created an idol in your soul during the NFL season.  Don’t let that happen to you.  I challenge you to simply spend some time every day reading the story of Jesus in the gospels, while  gazing on him.  You will be changed.  Light will fill you with the wonder of Jesus.  You wouldn’t need all the “bells and whistles” of NFL Sunday to give you thrills.

I shared in a recent blog about my wife’s cousin, Scott (age 56) and his courageous struggle with brain cancer.  He died recently.  I was privileged to be able to give the eulogy at his funeral.  It was a joy, even though it was Scott’s funeral, to share our journey over the the last three and a half years.  Scott’s wish was that I  give a testimony to all present at his funeral.

The morning of the service, while on  a prayer walk, I had the strong impression that I was to share as a scout.  Scott and I had explored the thin line between life and death.  I was now coming back to report that going to be with Jesus had become real for Scott; it was reality not illusion.   One of the scriptures that informed our sharing was II Cor 4:16-18, which reads in part, “We do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day…So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

I reported on three impressions.  First,  Scott kept his focus on Jesus, as he opened his heart to him.  He was so excited about what Jesus was showing him through scripture, spiritual writers and our talks.  He learned to see spiritual reality simply, yet in life changing ways as he struggled to make sense of his fight with cancer.   We talked about the work of the Holy Spirit in renewing his heart, as his body continued to deteriorate despite the aggressive cancer therapy.  I marveled at how Jesus became so real to Scott in the midst of much uncertainty regarding life and death.  Scott taught me to trust Jesus and keep my focus on him, no matter what the circumstances.

Secondly, I watched as Scott grew more confidently in the Lord despite his uncertain condition.  The hope of going to be with Jesus gave Scott an eternal horizon to view his struggle here below.   I would often say, “Scott, it not you; it is Jesus working in your heart” (Rom. 8:26).  Scott never complained or felt sorry for himself.  He even made light of his health and how it effected him.  Often he would say “How fortunate I am.”  More profoundly he would say, “either way I win.”  How privileged I was to see God at work in the soul of a man.  The words of Ps. 116:15 seemed to apply to Scott’s life near the end.  “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.”

Thirdly, Scott’s death was a gift that he gave not only to his family but  to all the people who knew him.  Many after the service said that Scott’s witness helped them deal with the reality of death in a whole new way.  Even in the midst of sorrow, Scott wanted his death to be a blessing.  In that sense he was giving his death away. “The final human and Christian challenge of our lives,” observes Richard Rolheiser, “is the struggle to give our death away.” Our death can be our last and greatest gift to those we love.  The question men, for each of us is this –  “How can we live now so that when we die our death may be a blessing to our family and friends?”

Richard Rohr made an interesting observation regarding his journey.  He prays each day for one good humiliation.  I have thought a lot about that comment.  I have asked God to help me accept gracefully those events in my daily life that are humbling.  We read in I Peter 5:5-6, “All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, ‘God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.’  Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.”  Men, your family relationships will keep you humble.  Remember through your failure, God will “lift you up.”

I was humbled recently during the visit of our daughter’s family from San Antonio.  I had prayed before their visit that I might be a loving, and accepting grandfather to three teenage boys.  But during a breakfast meal, I blow it, and made an angry remark.  My outburst produced a noticeable chill to our table fellowship.  After a picture taking session, I asked for a family conference with my daughter’s family.  I humbled myself and asked for forgiveness for my “unacceptable attitude.”

I share my story because all the men reading this blog will face similar situations. You will be humbled by your unacceptable behavior or attitude.  It is a given on the spiritual journey.  In the past I would have gone into my “cave,” feeling like a relational failure, while beating myself up, only to emerge as a “pouting”  little boy. (That is hard to admit.)  But praise God, because of his transforming work in my soul, I could accept  failure but not defeat.  Men, don’t let  relationship failure cause you to go down in defeat.  Stand up, accept failure, and cry out for grace to be a man, by admitting your failure.  The devil loves to have you withdraw emotional, brooding  in defeat. Ask yourself how you are feeling? Don’t you feel like a little boy feeling sorry for yourself?

As I look back on that breakfast incident I would like to make two observations.  First, I was able to “man up” and admit my failure.  It takes inner strength and courage to “man up” in our relationship mishaps.  I praise God for his grace in my life.  Remember God will oppose the proud, that is, the resistant spirit in a man.  When a man can humble himself honestly before others, God offers favor (grace).  That means a man will be made stronger in his heart.  It is a weak man, fearful in heart, who will stiffen up and resist vulnerability, thus being opposed by God

Secondly, I was able to teach my three grandsons a very important lesson.  We will all make mistakes in our interactions with each other.  As the grandfather I needed to set the tone, by humbly admitting my intolerant attitude.  Men, I can not tell you how important it is for you to model humility before your wife and children when it comes to relational failures.  Many of us suffered for years because we had fathers who just lived in their caves of self-pity and loneliness.  They brooded in relational defeat.  Don’t go there.  Proverbs 29:23 tells us, “A man’s pride brings him low, but a man of lowly spirit gains honor.”  Allow God to give you honor, by humbling yourself before your family members.

A spiritual writer, who has helped me on the journey is Father Thomas Keating ( I discovered him in 1984). He makes this observation regarding a quote from St Therese of Lisieux, “This is one to the greatest insights of all time into the nature of God and of our relationship to him.”  Here is her  quote: “Even if I had on my conscience every conceivable sin, I would lose nothing of my confidence.  My heart overflowing with love, I would throw myself  into the arms of the Father, and I am certain that I would be warmly received.”  I must confess that in the early days of “my kingdom building” I could not relate very well to this quote.  It might be that some of you men have the same reaction.

I want to share three truths that I have learned over the years that allow me to say “amen” to this quote from Theresa.  I don’t know why it took so long to have these convictions formed in my soul.  But I am motivated to share my story with other men, so they do not have to wallow in the pit of despair, doubt and condemnation.  I encourage each man to take Paul’s warning to the Galatians to heart. “When you attempt to live by your own religious plans and projects, you are cut off from Christ, you fall out of grace…..What matters is something far more interior: faith expressed in love” (Gal 5: 4,6 – Message).

First,  I know at the deepest level of my soul that God loves me in all my shame and vulnerability.  When I began to expose the dark side of my heart to God and spiritual friends, I came to know God’s love for me.  I am his beloved.  With Therese, I can throw myself into “the arms of the Father,” being confident of his love.  Yes, and I know that I will be “warmly received”  because “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Rom 8:1)

Secondly I am a Beloved sinner. I am a man born into sin.  I have developed deep sin patterns in my life, some of which I am still discovering. It is similar to a spiral that goes ever deeper in the cleansing of my soul.  Yes, I am deeply flawed, but I am the beloved of God.  Paul said of himself, “Here’s a word you can take to heart and depend on: Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners.  I’m proof – Public Sinner Number One – of someone who could never have made it apart from sheer mercy” (I Tim 1:15). I say amen.

Thirdly, I am under construction. The image of God within me is tarnished.  Experiencing God’s love for me at a deeper level, has gives me the vulnerability to acknowledge my fallen state before God and other brothers.  It brings a lot of relief to not have to perform, but freely admit that I am tarnished.  I still pretend at times, but not like I did in the past.  Now it is easier to relax and just let it be, knowing that I am “warmly received.”

Spiritual author, Ronald Rolheiser made this interesting observation about men and women.  “Men suffer more from gender depression than woman do.”  He sites the work of Robert Moore, a University of Chicago anthropologist, who maintains that men struggle to relate to women not because they have lost touch with their feminine side, but rather because they have lost touch with their masculine side.  Men trying to be more sensitive seem to take less delight in their maleness.  “Most sensitive men are depressed,” notes Moore, “They ‘re so afraid of being jerks or idiots, they’d rather be depressed then to act out their masculine energies.”  Men have “inhaled” the feminist critique of maleness.  Regarding men, Moore notes,  “…it doesn’t take much for them to believe that they are bad in their own guts.  Men have a bad self-image, and they’re  apologetic about being male. When we feel like that, there’s going to be a lot of depression.”

Men, my personal story fits with these observations.  I have walked down a long road in becoming  more comfortable with my masculine soul.  I have lived with a “covert” (hidden) depression in relating to my manhood.  I worked mightily to build an image of a “godly” man, that was all my doing, while hiding  feelings of inferiority.   I was a “niece” caring guy, who had to hide negative emotions, thus causing “covert” depression.  As the “gender wars” rage on in our culture, I desire to live authentically as a man.  I want to be free from, “having to manage others impressions of me.” (Willard). I take delight in these words from Paul.  “Christ has set us free to live a free life.  So take your stand!  Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.” (Gal 5:1 – Message).  God help me to live in the freedom of my maleness.

This freedom stirs a deep desire within me to help younger men be comfortable in their maleness.  So what do I want you as a reader of this blog to take away from my confession.  I have two observations.  First, let Jesus into the deepest parts of your soul.  Realize He is already at the center loving you.  Jesus said that He and the Father would come and make their home with us (John 14:23).  John tells us, “And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us.” (I John 3:24 – Message).  Jesus waits for you to open the doors to all those dark rooms that harbor your fears of being known. The surprise is that he knows all that is hidden there.

The second exhortation follows the first.  Welcome Jesus into your hidden rooms.  Walk with him through all that is found there.  Let the healing light of his presence shed new understanding as to who you really are as a man.  Let him rearrange all the furniture that is found there.  You will be amazed at how he can recreate your true image as a man.  After all, your person hood as a man is a gift from the one who has created you for himself.

In his book on male depression, Terrence Real makes this interesting statement:  “A boy’s disavowal of the “feminine” in himself falls into two  spheres: rejection of expressivity and rejection of vulnerability.”  I recently wrote a blog on the need for men to be both tough and tender.  Being expressive of our feelings and having a vulnerable heart is a display of tenderness.  However, Real observes that “invulnerability robs men of wisdom known to most women in this culture.  People actually connect better when they expose their weaknesses.”   Invulnerability sets men up to be the keepers of their secrets, producing men who live in cramped, isolated and lonely fortresses of outward competence, that is, feigning toughness.

One of our deepest felt needs as men in our culture is not to feel alone.  Men so often feel like they are in the struggle of life all alone.  They feel that they have to tackle the struggles of life without others who care.  Being emotionally isolated and lacking caring relationships is one of the deep hidden cries of the masculine soul in America.  Men live with deeply held secrets that produce a kind of sadness that fills much of their inner life.  It is like a fog that never lifts. The cry of many men is this: “Who will help me through this fog into a clearing so that I can enjoy life again? I am tired of playing the game.  I want relief.  Is there a place where I can share my secrets?”

I say there is.  It is with other men who are also tired of being nice and polite in their outward churchy demeanor. They are looking for a group in which the healing light of Jesus shines brightly, bringing healing to the masculine soul.   This kind of  group takes these words of Jesus to heart:  “Does anyone bring a lamp home and put it under a washtub or beneath the bed?  Don’t you put it up on a table or on a mantel?  We’re not keeping secrets, we’re telling them; we’re not hiding things, we’re bringing them out into the open” (Mark 4:20-21 – Message).  In such a group men admit the difficulty of making themselves vulnerable, but are willing to take the risk of learning how with a group of guys who care.  There is real relief when guys can share their secrets.

Men, take the following words to heart, and find another man or a group that is tired of walking in the fog of relational loneliness.  In the days to come we will need soul care groups for men to care for our inner life as the darkness and confusion increases in the culture.  “If we claim that we experience a shared life with him and continue to stumble around in the dark, we’re obviously lying through our teeth – we’re not living what we claim.  But if we walk in the light, God himself being the light, we also experience a shared life with one another, as the sacrificed blood of Jesus, God’s son, purges all our sin.”  (I John 1:6-7 – Message)  Praise God that the blood of Jesus will cleanse and purify our souls as we share our secrets in the light with other men.  So let’s fight for each other hearts and souls.

This blog is very personal. It has to do with Scott,  my wife’s cousin.  He is a man in his 50’s who is dying of brain cancer.  Judy and I recently visited with Scott and his wife, Kathy.   We talked together about Scott’s deteriorating condition and his departure from this life.  Scott and I have talked often about his journey with cancer the last couple of years.  My reason for writing about Scott is to share his testimony of faith and the example he has been to me of a younger man prepared to die.

As Scott’s conditioned has worsened, he has continued to turn his gaze unto Jesus.  It has been an inspiration to hear him express his trust in Jesus.  The peace and rest he has in his Savior is a powerful testimony to all who know him.  His concern is for his wife, three daughters and his dad.  We have talked about his dying as being a gift to his loved ones.  Listen to what Henri Nouwen has to say about our dying. “But we can choose to befriend our death as Jesus did……As men and women who have faced our morality, we can help our brothers and sisters to dispel the darkness of death and guide them toward the light of God’s grace.”  Scott’s attitude about his own death has become a gift to his family, in the midst of their sorrow with his possibility of going to be with the Lord.

Men I write about Scott because I want to challenge you to come to peace about your own death.  Do not be afraid of death or even contemplating your own death.  Remember Paul’s word to us. “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?…But thanks be to God!  He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (I Cor 15:55&57).  I learned years ago from Eugene Peterson to pray for a good death.  Remember you have no control over when and how you will die.  So fix your eyes on the one who is “the resurrection and the life.”  Paul exhorts us to “…fix our eyes not on what is seen, but when is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (II Cor 5:18)

Here are  two suggestions to consider as you journey through life.  First, come to peace with your own death.  If you are a follower of Jesus, don’t let anyone or anything in this life, rob you of the joy of going to heaven.  “The desire to break camp here and be with Christ is powerful” lamented Paul. “Some days I can think of nothing better.” (Phil 1:23).  So think about heaven and the joy of being there.  Don’t get to weighed down with the affairs of this world.  Remember your “citizenship is in heaven.” (Phil 3:20).

Secondly, don’t be afraid to talk about death with your loved ones, especially your children.  We did that during family devotions after funerals of church  and family members.  It helps your children to see that death is a natural part of the journey.  Yes, there will be sorrow.  But Jesus has promised to be with us in those times, to bring healing to our hearts.  Our sorrow is not for our departed loved one, but for ourselves.

Awhile back I preached for my pastor.  I choose John 11, the story of Lazarus being raised from dead as my text.  It is a wonderful text to use when speaking about transformation.  I understand transformation to be change from “the inside out.”   That is, the Spirit of God is allowed to enter the depths of our being, resulting in the change needed to be more like Jesus.   Our part is to surrender and yield to what God is doing.   That is the tough part from men – “letting go” and receiving.  The result will be change as we die to our old self and are renewed in our new self.

There is much to share from the story of Lazarus.  I would like to focus on the grave cloths.  We read that Jesus was deeply moved in spirit and troubled, as he wept  at the grave of Lazarus.  Others who observed Jesus remarked  “See how he loved him!”  Men, Jesus weeps at the condition our hearts when we remain hidden in our deep caves of despair, self-pity, inferiority and guilt.  He comes into those places, calling us by name, wanting us to come out.  Why might you be hiding from the voice of love calling to you?

So Jesus asks that the large stone be rolled away.  He did not do it himself, but asked those with him to do the work.  I hope you have a place where men are willing to roll the stones of pretense away, so that healing might happen.   I pray that this blog is a small contribution to moving the stones away.  After the stone is rolled away, Jesus say to Lazarus, as he says to us, “come out.”  Like Lazarus we have a choice – either stay in the cave or come out.  Men, what is holding you back?  The voice you here is the voice of love, inviting you to come forth.

Now coming out of the tomb is a messy affair.  Lazarus smelled badly after four days.  Can you picture him trying to walk in those tightly wrapped grave clothes.  He must have stumbled and felt rather foolish as others watch him come out of the tomb.  Men, let me tell you, transformation is a messy affair.  Remember, transformation is an “inside job.”  When you let the light of Jesus into your cave you will be called to come out.  That cave is a cramped, small space of your own making.  The voice of love, calls you to come out into the light, inviting you to exercise your freedom to walk.   But at first  it will be awkward and messy.  But always remember this – you need keep  walking toward Jesus – no matter what. Keep your focus on him.  Listen for his voice.

One other thing about those grave clothes.  Jesus did not take the grave clothes off.  He told those near the tomb, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”  What does this mean for men?  Find a community of men who are willing to “fight for your heart.”  We need help in getting those grave clothes off, especially those that are wrapped closest to our well constructed self-image.  We need loving brother to help us confess, surrender and let go of the old, so that we can walk into the new.

A book that deeply impacted my life in the 80’s was  Robert Bly’s “Iron John.”  I never forgot his discussion of  “soft males.”  “They’re not interested in harming the earth or starting wars.  There’s a gentle attitude toward life in their whole  being and style of living.  But many of these men are not happy.  You quickly notice the lack of energy in them.  They are life-preserving but not exactly life-giving.  Ironically, you often see these men with strong women who positively radiate energy.”

I was convicted.  You see, I have a people pleasing personality.  I can easily get trapped into being an enabler (life-preserving).  I want to be a niece guy who gets along with everyone.   But after reading about the soft male, I began to cry out to God to form in me a strong, courageous heart so that I might be “life-giving.”  I desired to be a man of conviction, who had a servant’s heart, being able to be vulnerable from a place of inner strength.  I wanted to have a strong heart, so that I would have the courage to practice “downward mobility.” with others.

Men,  let me ask you? Are you more into life-preserving rather than life-giving.  Do women who “radiate energy” threaten you? The present cultural climate effectively squeezes  men into a very uncomfortable and limited stance of being “soft males.”  Listen to Phillips’ translation of Romans 12:2, “Don’t let the world around you squeeze you into it own mold, but let God re-make you so that your whole attitude of mind is changed.  Thus you will prove in practice that the will of God’s good, acceptance to him and perfect.”   I am convinced that a man who is desiring to follow Jesus in our day, will have to be first “inner directed” before he is “outer directed.”  The energy that Bly refers to comes from deep within our spirit.  It emerges from a heart that practices the “cruciform” life daily, that is,  death to our old ways (life-preserving) , and the birth of new life in Jesus (life-giving), radiating up from within.

Navigating  a lifestyle that reflects both strength and vulnerability (tough and tender) is not easy.  Voices within the church call for for men to be either “tough” or “tender.”  Men are confused as to which they should be.  I say we are to be both (tough and tender).  But it begins with death to our old self (sin patterns)  and the ways we have visualized being a man.  Jesus taught that  wel become life giving when we are willing to die. Listen to his words, “…Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed.  But if it dies, it produces many seeds.  Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life” (John 12:24-25).  Men, the new life of Jesus that can radiates up through your soul, will produce a man who is both tough and tender, because it will reflect the character of Jesus.