At one of my recent “wildman” retreats, a young man came rather distort, due to the emotional strain of being the caregiver for his wife following her surgery.  He shared the discomfort he felt in shedding tears due to his emotional stress. In displaying  tears, he felt like a failure in the care of his wife.  I know this would be a teaching moment for all of us.  I even enlisted the assistance of my wife, in being able to avail a feminine perspective.  My point was, “tears can be good, as long as they are not shared in self-pity or used manipulatively.”

Douglas Wilson makes this observation about the masculine in our culture.  “We live in a feminist and effeminate culture.  Because of this, at best, as a people we are uneasy with masculinity and with increasingly regularity, whenever it manages to appear somehow, we call for someone to do something about it.”  This is certainly the case with masculine emotions. “What do you do with a crying man?”   Men are constantly been challenged to be more sensitive and nurturing, but when they struggle with their tender side there is little help.  As I have said in the past, I say it again, men are going to have to work out their emotional life with other men.

I want to say loudly and clearly to every “suffering” man out there; “tears are not a sign of weakness.” Not only have we not seen the “healthy” expression of tears shed by our fathers and other male role models, but the strong feminist sentiment almost demands that men  bury their real feelings.  Hear me, men – your wife does not see your shedding of tears as weakness, as long as you are owning your condition.  It actually draws her closer to you, because it bring you to the heart level, where she can sense your companionship.  Your wife needs to know your heart, not the coldness of your “stiff upper lip.”

Listen men, your tears during emotional stress are like an “emotional  release” that needs to be expressed.  It is important to your emotional and psychological well being  that you find relief.  Tears are part of the answer.  I can testify to the healthy expression of tears.  I don’t like that I have to cry.  But when I feel them coming I no longer hold back, even in front of my wife.  It brings relief, perspective, and a sense of peace in the midst of an emotional storm.

The Psalms will gives us a biblical perspective.  Look up “tears.”  Listen to David in Psalm 6. “My soul is in deep anguish.  How long, Lord, how long?…I am worn out from my groaning.  All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.  My eyes grow weak with sorrow;…..for the Lord has heard my weeping” (Ps 6: 3,6-7, & 8).  If you need to get used to crying, do it is secret; just you and a lovingly heavenly Father, who is waiting to hold you.  Men, just learn to let it go.  He will hold you and bring comfort if you can be real.  Remember you are his child. Twila Paris used to sing “the warrior is a child.”  Do yourself a favor and be a man. Let the emotional steam out by having a good cry, especially with your wife.

I start with a quote from Matt 10.  “Don’t be intimidated.  Eventually everything is going to be out in the open, and everyone will know how things really are.  So don’t hesitate to go public now.  Don’t be bluffed into silence by the threats of bullies.  There’s nothing they can do to your soul, your core being.  Save your fear for God, who holds your entire life – body and soul – in his hands….Stand up for me against world opinion, and I’ll stand up for you before my Father in heaven.  If you turn tail and run, do you think I’ll stand up for you before my Father in heaven…..If you don’t go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don’t deserve me.  If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself.  But if you forget yourself and look to me, you’ll find  both yourself and me.” (Matt 10:26-8, 32, 38-39 – The Message)

Men, take note of the bold print.  Jesus is asking us to stand with him in a culture with eroding Christian values, producing an increasing  negative posture to a healthy masculine presence.  If our priorities are  self-concern,self image, self  gratification and self-preservation (Albert Haase) we will never know who we are as men, according to Jesus.  But if we are a committed follower of Jesus, we will know our true identity and his presence in our lives.  If you are a Christian man, you don’t want to be “hollowed out,” running on a empty spiritual tank, trying to make it as a believer.  I guarantee you that you will be intimidated, turn tail and run, being bluffed into silence.  You don’t want to be a casualty of the cultural wars.

I confess to you men, that I am not a natural fighter, the kind of warrior that looks for a fight and wants to be aggressive with his witness.  I have been a people pleaser most of my life.  I am not comfortable with confronting, nor do I enjoy arguing.   But having walked with Jesus for over 50 years, coming to love him more as I age, I am determined in the Lord, not to be intimidated.  We have gone to far in our culture.  We are losing our voice in the public square. What we desperately need are a “few good men” in every church and community who will not be intimated, but stand for Jesus when the occasion arises.  I want to influence as many young men as I can.

So what is a man to do?  First be clear and certain about your commitment to Jesus.  Give your heart and soul to him.  Second, each of us has a “sphere of influence” to be a witness. Be faithful in your vineyard.  Thirdly, follow Jesus example of wanting to be a servant to all.  Fourth, humbly, lovingly give your witness for the Lord when it is called for.  Fourthly, let your story be his story of redemption in your life, allowing the focus to be on God’s love, mercy and kindness in your life.   Oh, God raise up a new generation of warriors who will stand and fight with the weapons of humility and love.

Not long ago I read a quote from Albert Haase, a Franciscan priest that has stuck with me. “Forgiveness is the limitless choice not to  pick the scab, not to become entangled in the grudge, not to stoke the fires of anger and resentment by hugging the hurt or announcing it to others…. We often hug the hurt and pick the scab because it makes us feel powerful and intellectually right.”

It has stuck with me for two reasons.  The first is my personal resolve to live a lifestyle of forgiveness.  At times it has been hard. It is a choice I have made.   The second reason is the sorrow I feel for believers who are not living a lifestyle of forgiveness.  Without exception they will have a negative and critical spirit.  They just are not fun being with.

Men have you been picking a scab?  I assure you that you are going to be given many opportunities to practice forgiveness, especially with those who are close to you.  There is nothing that will keep you more humble then the relationships you have within your extended family.  We often forget that keeping a grudge alive will take a lot of emotional energy.  The more we invest in a grudge the more we will be sapped of our emotional stamina.  I prayed years ago, for grace to be a loving, caring and open man as I become old.  I have seen too many men as they age, become individuals who are really not a joy to be around.  They have little to give emotionally to others because much of their emotional energy has been turned inward as they pick the scab. Ask yourself if you are going to be fun to be with as you age.

Men one of the greatest gifts you can give your family, is to be a man who lives in forgiveness.  That does not mean that you become some kind of “wimp” but rather that you are a person who can love and accept others with all their faults, especially when you feel misunderstood, rejected or even betrayed.  If we cannot offer forgiveness, it is always helpful to ask, “What am I gaining by stoking the fire of resentment?”  I know in my life, it has often been due to my self-righteous need to feel justified and vindicated.

Always remember that forgiveness is a choice we make.  Sometimes it will be costly.  But as men of integrity we can choose to offer forgiveness as a selfless gift with no strings attached to those who are closet to us.  Listen again to what Father Haase has to say. “The daily recommitment to this gift-giving shows the stuff of our soul and the intention of our heart.  Even though the gift might simply lie in our heads….over time we will find it gradually making its way down to our hearts, where it loosens resentment and frees us from the past .”  His advise, “recommit to that decision on a daily basis until your heart softens and you are set free from the grudge.”

Walker Percy asks in his novel, “The Second Coming,” “is it possible for people to miss their lives in the same way one misses a plane?”  Here is a one of Percy’s characterization of his main character Will Barrett. “Not once in his entire life had he allowed himself to come to rest in the quiet center of himself but had forever cast himself forward from some dark past he could not remember to a future which did not exist.  Not once had he been present for his life.  So his life had passed like a dream.”  In other words, he did not pay attention to himself.

It is natural for men to live on the surface of their lives, building their tower of success,  constructing their view of who they think they are and what they do in the world.  We can create illusions regarding ourselves that do not fit reality.  True reality takes us beyond the surface, and leads us into our souls. Men, this is where we really live.  Here we find the good, the bad and even the ugly.  Here we find the truth about ourselves.   But our ego, as it goes about creating a false self, resents reality.  Why?  Because it does not want to face the Truth.  But remember reality is based on the truth.  Without the truth we are building on shifting sand. Jesus warns us, “But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand” (Matt. 7:26).  There will be “a great crash.”  Our illusions can not stand up to reality.

Thomas Moore has observed, “nothing is more challenging, nothing less sentimental, than the invitation of spirit to become who we are and not who we think we ought to be.”  Of vital importance is the awareness and confidence, that as we take the journey into our souls, to learn more about our real life story. Here the Lord meets us. “But if God himself has taken up residence in your life,” writes Paul, “you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of him.  Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won’t know what we’re talking about.  But for you who welcome him, in whom he dwells – even though you still experience all the limitations of sin – you yourself experience life on God’s terms….When God lives and breathes in you (and he does, as surely as he did in Jesus), you are delivered from that dead life.  With his Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ’s!” (Rom 8:10-11 – The Message)

So my advice men, is not to be afraid of the “inner journey.”  It is the Spirit of God who calls you to pay attention and listen to what your life is telling you.  This is your true story.  A lot of it, we would rather not know nor experience.  But Jesus waits for us in these realities.  He waits for you with an embrace of love and mercy.  He sees who we are as his child.  He enables us to face our shame, self-doubt, self-hatred and guilt.  Don’t let your life pass like a dream, never having become fully alive to who you are.

I need to make a confession to the men who read this blog.  As I relate to older men of my age, we are aware of the generation gap that exists between our children and grandchildren when it comes to “electronic devices” such as the computers and smart phones.  My wife and I have been experiencing significant stress in adapting to our new cell phones, along with the electronics in our new Highlander.  It has truly complicated our lives.  Literally, I had to go for a prayer walk and get back to my center, which, of course, is the awareness of Jesus in my life.  I found myself getting “grumpy” and negative.  I just wanted to go, hide and “throw in the towel.”

This personal saga that my bride and I have weathered really got me to thinking of how complications in life get us off center.  Life was so much simpler and easy to manage when we didn’t have to deal with matters of  “digital age.”  But now with all the electronic “wizardry” involved, both my wife and I are experience frustration, confusion, impatience and a lack of peace.  We rarely get on each other’s nerves, but that was we even happening.  The sense of peace that comes from Jesus’ presence was absent.  The mood was frustration, along with a sense of helplessness, as though we were caught in a web with no way out.

Men, what are the things that get you so distracted that you lose your focus on Jesus.  “Simplicity” is a vital practice in keeping us centered in Jesus.  Simplicity is not being a simpleton, but rather the expression of one who as the proper focus.  Their life is centered in Jesus.  At a deep level their desires are for him alone.   Judy and I try to live simply, that is, having a lifestyle that does not distract from our focus on Jesus. But we can get off center.  Paul said of his life, “I once thought things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done.  Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage.” (Phil 3:7-8)  Simplicity is reflected in a life that sees everything as “worthless” compared to knowing Christ.

Years ago I read of an old Shaker hymn that has stuck with me and now has become more meaningful.  “Tis a gift to be simple, ’tis a gift to be free, ’tis a gift to come down where we ought to be.”  Notice the being simple is a gift.  We can’t accomplished it.  Jesus ignites a desire for him in our hearts.  When we yield our life to Jesus, he gives us a heart that is focused on him.  We also are gifted with freedom, along with the ability to “come down where we ought to be,” that is, to get our focus back.  Thankfully, Judy and I have our focus back on Jesus and not the electronic stuff.  But it will continue to be a challenge.  How are you being challenged in your focus?

Several years ago researchers at UC Berkley set out to test what they called the masculine overcompensation thesis, the theory that when men sense threats to their manhood they respond by exaggerating their gender traits.  They found, “that when men faced the implication that they were somehow not men, they tended to increase their support of war, homophobia, male dominance, ‘purchasing an SUV'” and other stereotypical behavior.  Women did not respond the same way.  The implication is that women feel less threatened in the culture.   The conclusion wrote one observer was, “the more manly you act, the less manly you probably are.”  I ask the question, “Doesn’t that put men in a double bind.”  How do you act manly in a god given way?

I agree that a lot of men, including Christian men, in our culture feel threatened.  How are Christian men to deal with this double bind  of  “the more manly you act, the less manly you probably are.?”   Threatened men are going to act out in some  unfortunate “macho ways.” Many more are going to remain passive and silent, resigning themselves to a gnawing resentment, not knowing who they were created to be as a man.

But men who follow Jesus have a choice, even when threatened and questioned about their manliness.  Men, I can not stress enough the need to get our mind and heart off of what the culture thinks of men and get our eyes on Jesus.  He is and will continue to be our example and measure of what it means to be a man.  The way out of the double bind is to see Jesus as our example in being able to be both “tough and tender.”  When threatened look to Jesus.

The New Testament presents the Son of Man as the True Man.  Jesus’ manhood subverted the manly man stereotype of the Greco-Roman world, which had such a  low regard from women.  Jesus’ manhood was one of humiliation, service, and crucifixion.  Jesus took on the form of a slave (Phil 2:5-11).  So true manhood for the follower of Jesus is measured first of all not by courage or strength, both of which are important, but rather by self-sacrificial love for the other.   “Servant love” expressed through servant leadership is the key to dealing with the double bind of the Berkeley research.  Such love expresses great courage and strength.

So men here is my advice.  Don’t let anything in the culture cause you to get your spiritual eyes off of Jesus.  Surrender to him, follow him, desire him, and learn from his example.  Remember you have his very presence with you to give you guide and help.  In our day we need to heed the warning of Paul. “Watch out for people who try to dazzle you with big words and intellectual double talk.  They want to drag you off into endless arguments that never amount to anything.  They spread their ideas through the empty traditions of human beings and the empty superstitions of spirit beings.  But that is not the way of Christ.” (Eph 2:9 – The Message)

I have been asking the Lord to help me with having a more loving heart.  The principle is pretty straight forward.  God’s love has been poured into my heart (Romans 5:5).  But I have to learn to respond in kind to this love.  It is not a matter of my trying to “crank up” some more love.  It is a matter of receiving the love that has already been poured into my heart.  While the love is there, my desire to be a loving man, will be tested.  I had such an experience lately with my wife.

You need to know that my wife, Judy of 48 years, is one of the finest Christians I know.  That is high praise, but also the reality from my experience with her. Well, recently I was harsh with my wife  in a minor exchange we had.  I am not proud of this occurring pattern of being harsh.  When I get harsh it hurts my wife and I can tell it in her eyes.  As a work in progress, I don’t want it to be that way.  What is significant is that I can confess this to all who read this blog.  But more importantly is the greater awareness I have of how it hurts my wife.

What brought me to a deeper sense of regret was the fact that with others I can hide my true feelings and act kindly, creating the impression that I am this” loving, caring” guy.  This is pure hypocrisy.  I was able acknowledge this double standard to my wife.  I am seeing how easy it is show a “loving face” in public, but then to disregard and be insensitive in my attitude and behavior with my wife.   As I write blog, I am sure that I am stepping on “the spiritual toes” of more than one guy. So what is the point of my telling you my story in this blog.

Plain and simple, it is inexcusable for us as husbands to not be vigilant and on guard in our attitude and behavior with our wives.  Scripture makes it clear, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” (Eph 5:25).  Your wife deserves the best you have to give.  If the love of Christ has been poured into your heart, then the first person to receive your love is your wife.  Remember she is “bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh” (Gen 2:23).  The measure of my spirituality and yours is found in the way we treat those who are closest to us.  If you struggle with what I am sharing with you, ask God to show you how you ought to love your wife. Paul exhorts husbands, “to love their wives as their own bodies” (Eph 5:28).  I know I am seeing how unloving it is when I express myself  harshly towards my  wife.  If it hurts her, it should also hurt me.  If not, I am not very loving.

Here is a new word for you, men.  I came across it in some recent reading.  “Mancession” refers especially to  younger men, who acknowledge their disengagement from culture.  They articulate a confusion and even ambivalence about what it means to be a man.  Men are asking, ” How do you talk about being a man in our culture without seeming to be anti-female.”  In many case men simply “drop out.”  They decide not to  engage the feminist agenda.  When their maleness is questioned they become silent.  But silence can produce an inner discontent that  becomes hard to keep in check.  As one observer put it, ‘If anything defines American maleness in the 21st century it is silent rage.”  Wes Yoder says of men, “We’re ashamed of the stuff we hide and are insecure about who we are.”

What do you think, men?  Does “mancession” reflect a trend among men in our culture.  Does it reflect the culture of your workplace or even your church?   There has been a subtle “feminizing” of the culture that has been intimating men for so time, causing them to question  their role and in some cases their God given identity as a man.  John Eldridge puts it well when he observes, “Men are wounded and feel they have no place to go.  So they go and hide.  Woman know this, and lament that they have no access to their man’s heart.  Men know it too, but they often do not know where to pick up the trail.”

Let me ask you if you know how to “pick up the trail,” that is, to live out of your God given identity.  Remember culture will keep you in the wilderness, searching in vain for what Robert Bly calls “golden key,” that unlocks the door to masculinity.  Without his true identity, a man will be empty, insecure and a pretender. There are no “inner juices” to be a man, only a  shadow of a man.  The key to finding our identity in our modern day wasteland is hearing the “quiet, still voice” of your heavenly Father saying “You are my beloved.”  Jesus heard this affirmation at the beginning of his ministry.  Near the end he could say, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.  Now remain in my love (John 15:9).

There is a program that I am involved in, made up of mostly women who are on a spiritual search.  Every couple of years I share a masculine view of spirituality.  What I say to these women, I say to you men reading this blog.  “A man is a man is a man.”  Maleness is part of the created order.  You cannot social engineer away this reality.  Masculinity and femininity are a gift from God.  So men, don’t let the extreme feminist agenda intimidate you into silence.  The key in my humble opinion is for a man to come in his confusion and brokenness before his heavenly Father.  Their in quietness and rest, he learns  that he has “a Father who delights in him.”   Don’t allow the voice of the culture, drown out the voice of your heavenly Father.

“How am I doing?”  I can almost feel myself giving this kind of response to my mother.  Having a “people pleasing” personality and a mother who was rather domineering,” how I was doing,” was very important to me, as I wanted to please my mother.  I never knew how to please my father, because he was mostly emotional absent in my formative years.  “How am I doing?” has been a kind of mantra in my life in an unhealthy way.  I have come a long ways in being God’s man rather than being overly influenced by others.  But I still am working on my desire to please when it come to my heavenly Father.  I have to watch that it is not performance, rather than a relationship.

We can easily think of God like a parent who want to see us on our best behavior.  So we can tend to go to God in pray when we have nothing to hide, feeling pretty good about our journey. Richard Rolheiser has observed, “Because we don’t understand what prayer is, we treat God as an authority figure or a visiting dignitary – as someone to whom we don’t tell the real truth. We don’t tell God what is really going on in our lives.  We tell God what we think God wants to hear…What’s important is that we pray what’s inside us and not what we think God would like to see inside of us.”  Wow!!  This sure has been my story for longer than I care to acknowledge.

Remember men, God is your loving heavenly Father, who love you as you are not as you think you should be.   Along with the Psalmist we should, therefore,  rejoice in God intimate awareness of who we are, and not hide from intimacy with him.  “You know when I leave and when I get back; I’m never out of your sight.  You know everything I’m going to say before I start the first sentence.  I look behind me and you’re there, then up ahead and you’re there, too – your reassuring presence, coming and going.  This is too much, too wonderful – I can’t take it all in.” (Ps 139:3-6  – The Message).

If prayer, which is the expression of our personal relationship to God, is to be meaningful  we need to accept that every feeling and every thought we have is valid.  We can stay away from prayer just when we need it the most.  So be honest and real.  Listen to Jesus’ words, “This world is full of so-called prayer warriors who are prayer-ignorant.  They’re full of formulas and programs and advice, peddling techniques for getting what you want from God.  Don’t fall for that nonsense.  This is your Father you are dealing with, and he knows better than you what you need.  With a God like this loving you, you can pray very simply.” (Matt 6: 7-8 – The Message)  So men, don’t get caught up in those performance traps or spiritual improvement projects.  Just come to your heavenly Father as you are – in desperate need of his grace and mercy.

Here are some more thoughts from Camille Paglia.  This is from an interview with Bari Weiss of The Wall Street Journal.  Her insight about men being “intimidated” are right on.  “This PC gender politics thing – the way gender is being taught in the universities – in a very anti-male way,  it’s all about neutralization of maleness.”  The result is that men are “intimidated” and “can’t say anything….They understand the agenda.”  They “never tell the truth to women” about sex and they keep “raunchy” thoughts and sexual fantasies to themselves and their laptops.  “Masculinity is just becoming something that is imitated from the movies.  There’s nothing left.  There’s no room for anything manly right now.”  But wait a minute – there is one place in her opinion.

Paglia claims the only place where you can hear what men really feel is on Sports Radio.  She is an avid listener.  The energy and enthusiasm “inspires” her as a writer.  She dares to say, “If we had to go to war,” the callers “are the men that would save the nation.”  Now here is a woman who gets it.  I listen to Sports Talk Radio when Judy and I are on our long trip.  It’s the only time.  The issues are a matter of life and death.  Passions run high.  Vital victories and loses are cheered and mourned.  Opinions, strategies, motives and character are all passionately discussed.

But you know what I long for; the same kind of passion with a group of guys who desire to see the kingdom of Jesus extended in our culture.  I really miss that kind of passionate discussion.  As an older warrior, I desire the company of other warriors, especially younger warriors, to share strategy on being “subversive” for the Lord.  Is there judgment on our culture?  How am I supposed to react to what is going on?  I have some strong opinions that have been formed in my walk with God.  But I need other warriors to help me see more clearly.  There is no doubt that we are in a real battle.  But where is the passion?

Men, if you don’t feel some passion about what is going on in our culture, you have fallen asleep spiritually.  Jesus warns us to kept alert.  “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour.”  (Matt 25:13)  Don’t let the culture lull you to sleep spiritually.  Find another warrior or a group of humble, loving warriors determined to stand for Jesus, and join the fight.  Let them ignite you with some passion.  Listen to Paul’s warn and take it to heart. “You know as well as I that the day of the Master’s coming can’t be posted on our calendars.  He won’t call ahead and make an appointment any more than a burglar would.  About the time everybody’s walking around complacently, congratulating each other – ‘We’ve sure got it made! Now we can take it easy!’ – suddenly everything will fall apart.  It’s going to come as suddenly and inescapably as birth pangs to a pregnant woman.” (I Thess. 5:2-3 – The Message)