Category: Wildman Journey (Page 52 of 85)

Shortly after I retired, I led an intercessory prayer group in our church to pray specifically for the transition period as we called a new pastor. Toward the end of our prayer time, the words “rightly ordering our relationships” came to mind. As I thought about that phrase, I sensed that it applied to relationships between men and women in our church. The women in the prayer group agreed that the idea of focusing some attention to male and female relationships was needed.  As I thought further about the subject, three key thoughts came to mind:

First, men, be committed to a church or fellowship of men where the truth of God’s Word is taught regarding relationships, especially with our wives. There is a kind of “suffering silence” and “soulful grieving” among Christian men, particularly regarding the feminine.  There are layers of emotions to be examined.  Truth and redeeming grace, combined with a climate of vulnerability, creates a “safe place” for men to explore being rightly related to women. “Grace and truth came through Jesus Christ’ (John 1:17).   Further, as men, we need the witness of those “exemplars” who practice and model healthy relationships with their wives.  “A deacon must be faithful to his wife and must manage his children and his household well” (I Tim 3:12).  With all the confusion regarding gender relationships, men desperately need to “absorb” the witness of men who “rightly order” their lives and relationships. Men, I encourage you to open your heart and drink in the life of the men who are witnesses to you, especially in their emotional lives.

Secondly, I have found that in ordering my relationships, I had to deal with images of male and female from my past that had been planted and buried in my heart from my family of origin.  I had to face negative attitudes toward both my father and my mother. Remember the one commandment with a promise: “Honor your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12).  I had in essence “digested” both the good and bad of my family.  I had to get it all out by confession, forgiveness, and repentance.  Men, you will never rightly order your relationships until you honestly face your past and bring it to the light.  Proverbs 20:20 is a warning: “If someone curses their father or mother, their lamp will be snuffed out in the pitch darkness.” But through surrender, you create an inner space for the Spirit of God to reorder your relationships.

Thirdly, rightly ordering our relationships means coming to peace regarding our masculine soul.  Men need to embrace Paul’s words in Romans 8:1, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”  My burden for each man reading this is that you may live fully and freely out of your masculine soul.  Celebrate your uniqueness as a man.  Allow yourself, by the grace of God, to sink into your soul, secure in Christ, to find healing and affirmation regarding who you are as a man. Then in the ordering of your relationships, you will be able to embrace the complementarity of the feminine, especially within your wife.  My contention is that when a man is affirmed and secure in his maleness, he will then be able to rightly relate to the feminine both within himself and in other women.  He will be able to heed the words of Ephesians 5:21, “Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another” (Message).

This blog is an interlude, in which I would like to reflect on my blog  with the readers.

“The Sovereign lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary.  He awakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught” (Is 50:4). These words have been an encouragement to me as I write my blogs.  I write because God has called me to this task.  It is hard work.  I pray that my words are of spiritual help to men.  A theme verse for this blog could be Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

I began blogging over five years ago.  I never dreamed  I would be doing  this in my retirement years. I am both humbled and encouraged that men are helped by the content of this blog.  I identify with Paul words when I reflect on my labor. “If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weaknesses” (II Cor 11:30).  I work on a blog, send it out, praying that it might minister to “the hungry, thirsty souls of men.”  Just a few encouragements is enough to keep me going.  Some of you who reading this blog are new comers. You might be  wonder, “Who is this guy who writes?”  “Why does he write?”  A further question might be,”Why is the blog called “the wild man journey?”  I want to answer these three questions in this blog.

First, I am a retired Lutheran Pastor (40 years), who has worked continually on the spiritual formation of my own masculine soul.  My wife and I moved to our lake home in Northern Minnesota to run a retreat house ministry called “Canaan’s Rest.”  I call Judy and I a “monk and a nun.” We welcome spiritual pilgrims to our place, while being involved in Evangelical Free Church in town. From my post in the north woods,  I sense this blog to be my primary ministry.  So be assured there is much prayer and earnest labor with each post.  It is a calling not a choice.  Some days involve spiritual warfare and nagging doubt.

Secondly,  I write because of a life long burden to help men. This began in my second church back in 1976.  The work evolved over the years as I matured and learned to give soul care to men.  I have found significant healing for my own soul over the years.  My particular “spiritual gift mix” is suited to soul care, that is, “going from the mind into soul” and discerning what God is doing in the soul of a man.  It is the work of spiritual direction; helping men on the “inner journey.”  As an ENFJ on the Myers-Briggs I am highly motivated to help men with the healing of their wounded and confused souls.

Thirdly, this blog is entitled “The Wild Man Journey.”  A wild man is some one who is moving off of the “default mode” of being in control, attempting by personal spiritual improvement projects to be good enough, to being willing to descent into the soul, to find his true self and a passion to live for God.  Augustine said it well, “Let me know thee, O God and myself, that is all.”  He has tasted and seen that the Lord is good.  Men who continue on this journey with this blog can be described as”soulful men” who desire to be fully alive, fully awake, and fully human.  I firmly believe that the contemplative dimension of the journey is a missing, vital ingredient for men in our day.

Men there is no neutral ground in our spiritual journey today. Jesus declares, “This is war, and there is no neutral ground.  If you’re not on my side, you’re the enemy; if you’re not helping, you’re making things worse” (Luke  11:23 – The Message).  In Matthew 10: 22-23 we are exhorted to be survivors. “When people realize it is the living God you are presenting and not some idol that makes them feel good, they are going to turn on you, even people in your own family. There is a great irony here: proclaiming so much love, experiencing so much hate.  But don’t quit.  Don’t cave in.  It is all well worth it in the end.  It is not success you are after in such times but survival.  Be survivors!  Before you’ve run out of options, the Son of Man will have arrived” – The Message.

Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger in 1969 before he became Pope Benedict XVI, seemed to be taking about survival.  “From the crisis of today a new Church of tomorrow will emerge – a Church that has lost much.  She will become small and will have to start afresh more or less from the beginning.  She will no longer be able to inhabit many of the edifices she built in prosperity.  As the number of her adherents diminishes, so she will lose many of her social privileges…. .But in all [this]…..the Church will find her essence afresh and with full conviction in that which was always at her center: faith in the triune God, in Jesus Christ, the son of God made man, in the presence of the Spirit until the end of the world.”

Has “the cultural and political tsunami” described by the Cardinal now reached our shores?  Are Christians, “losing their home field advantage?”  Christianity is not necessarily collapsing, but rather being clarified.  As Ed Stetzer at Christianity Today puts it, “Christianity is no longer the first choice of many seeking spiritual meaning and identifying as Christian is not necessary to be an accepted part of society.” Tim Keller maintains, “The number of the devout people in the country is increasing, as well as the number of secular people ….. the big change is the erosion in the middle…..you don’t so much see secularization as polarization” as the middle erodes.

The forces of secularization, along with a distrust and outright rejection of biblical faith is having an eroding effect on the church in America.  Cultural Christianity, which makes up the middle is eroding.  Men, the storm clouds are gathering over our culture. In the days to come, each of us will be faced with how we will choose to follow Jesus. Don’t allow yourself to be found in the middle, like a bench warmer and not a player.   I want to be found among those who not only survive, but thrive in the midst of the collapse  of cultural Christianity.  We need to heed the warnings given by Jesus to be aware of the changes taking place. I assure you as a committed follower of Jesus, you will be made to choose.

We hear Jesus saying to us in Mark 13, “Watch out that no one deceives you”(v 5), “”You must be on your guard” (v 9),  “So be on your guard” (v 23), “Be on guard! Be alert!” (v 33).  Jesus reminds us to learn from the fig tree.  “From the moment you notice its buds form, the merest hint of green, you know summer’s just around the corner.  And so it is with you.  When you see all these things, you know he is at the door ” (Mark 13:28-30 – The Message).  The implication of these words are to pay attention to the changes taking place right before your eyes.

The following quote from Thomas Merton has stuck with me for many years.  In these later years it makes more experiential sense.  “Therefore there is only one problem on which all my existence, my peace, and my happiness depend: to discover myself in discovering God.  If I find Him I will find myself and if I find my true self I will find Him.”  David Benner in his fine book, “The Gift of Being Yourself” reflects on this truth.  “Nowhere is the uniqueness of the Christian spiritual journey more apparent than in the Christian understanding of the self and its relation to God.  The self is not God.  But it is the place where we meet God.  There can be no genuine spiritual transformation if we seek some external meeting place.  God’s intended home is our heart, and it is meeting God in our depths that transforms us from the inside out.”

What I now know by experiential knowledge, I deeply desire for readers of this blog to also comprehend and know by experience.  Benner calls it, “transformational knowing.”   It is simply this – when I allow my  real self to be loved by God, I am able to live from the center of my inner life (soul) and experience both the presence of God within and an acceptance of myself as deeply love by God.  God meets me at the center. I visualize my soul as the center.  It is not so much a place, but the awareness of the presence of God.  I spend many years living “alongside of myself” that is, on the outside looking in.  I thought of God more as an  object outside myself, rather than being present within.  As a result, I could not accepted my true self as deeply loved by God.

Paul’s prayer in Eph 3:17-19 has new meaning for me.  “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the Lord’s holy people to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”  Like so many who write about the spiritual life, the experiencing of this love and its implication for my spiritual life, “surpasses knowledge.”  I can only say that I lived for years with a head knowledge of God and a view of myself that was a product of my own making. I was fearful of both God and who I really was on the inside.

My counsel is to allow yourself to “sink” to the center to be embraced by love. Don’t stay on the edges looking in.  There is the story told of the old man, who had lost his keys and was looking by the street light.  A friend asked where he might have lost them.  The old man replied that he had lost them in the house, but that he was looking outside because the light was much better there. Like the old man we tend to look outside where it is easier to search but the key is inside, in the dark.

The secret place where we encounter God is in our inner self.  David Benner observes that as we look at God looking at us, “we see how deeply loved we are by God – in our depths, complexity, totality, and sinfulness – we dare to allow God more complete access to the dark parts of our soul that most need transformation.  God precedes us on this journey, waiting to meet us in the depths of our self.”

This blog is written just after Halloween.  I was struck by the contrast between the controversy this Halloween on university and college campuses regarding costumes that might be offensive and the fun I  had in my last church with over 40 senior members of my church, who came to our retreat house dressed in some very outlandish outfits for Halloween.  We all laughed and joked till some of us began to cry.  But it is a different story on campuses.

There actually were costume-consultants available to  help students to find outfits that were culturally sensitive.  Using the  new yardstick of “cultural appropriation” there was the attempt to stop the practice of pretending to have fun at the expense of members of ethnic, racial or gender groups to which one does not belong.  One poster asked, “Unsure if your costume might be offensive?  Don’t be afraid to ask questions?” As one observer put it, the message was “it is dangerous to pretend.”  It is hard to imagine those students having any fun on Halloween.  No freedom to celebrate, but the burden of having to be culturally sensitive.  Remember it is just about pretending.

What a contrast from my wife’s party for the seniors.  We had a great time pretending to be someone else.  My favorites was a lady who wanted to be a nun and another  lady who wanted to be an opera singer.  What would have happened to our party if one of the costume consultants had dropped in on us wild seniors up in the north woods.  I still remember marveling at how much fun a group of Christians can have when we have freedom in Christ.

Men, my concern is that we do not become so burdened down by the political correct culture that we lose our freedom.  Remember in Christ you have been set free. Paul tells us in Galatians 5:1, “Christ has set us free to live a free life.  So take your stand!  Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.” When the seniors got together, there was a freedom from all the “shoulds” and “oughts” of  the cultural sensitivity concerns that were like a “harness of slavery” for those college kids.  Instead of freedom to just have fun pretending on Halloween, the campuses became a thicket of”shoulds” and “oughts” taking all the fun out of Halloween

How could those seniors have so much fun up in the north woods? Because they have been freed from the tyranny of their false self, which is more concerned about approval and doing the right thing according to the norms of the culture.  We could just be ourselves, while laughing at one another and even ourselves. There was no PC police evaluating our party.  My memory of the day with the seniors still brings a smile as I think of the great time we had.

But we need to be mindful that our freedom is to be always expressed in love, that is, in being sensitive to others, but not burdened by their demands.  Later in the chapter 5 of Galatians Paul reminds us of why we are free. “It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life.  Just make sure that you don’t use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom.  Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that’s how freedom grows.  For everything we know about God’s Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others, as you love yourself.  That’s an act of true freedom” (Gal 5:13-15 – The Message). Men, be sensitive, but don’t become burdened.

Bradley Campbell and Jason Manning in a paper entitled, “Microaggression and Moral Culture” contend that we’re in the midst of a key cultural change in our culture.  Prior to the 18th and 19th centuries we live in an “honor culture” in which people earned honor and were called upon to avenge insults to their honor on their own. But because personal insults would require a personal response, people would count the cost of confrontation.  With the emergence of our elaborate rule of law, “a dignity culture” replaced the honor culture.  Violence was replace by the courts or administrative bodies dealing with major transgressions, while minor transgressions were dealt with personally.

Today we are becoming a “victim culture,” in which we are encouraged to respond to even the  slightest unintentional offense.  Redress is found by appealing for help from powerful others or administrative bodies, to whom we can make the case that we have been victimized.  David French observes, “This is the culture of the mirco-aggression where people literally seek out opportunities to be offended.  Once victimized a person gains power – but not through an personal risk.  Indeed, it is the victim’s hypersensitivity and fragility that makes them politically and socially strong.” The authors of the article warn us, “…victimhood culture causes a downward spiral of competitive victimhood. Young people on the left and the right get sucked into its vortex of grievance.  We can expect political polarization to get steadily worse in the coming decade as this moral culture of victimhood spreads.”

French goes on to say that the present victim culture is killing American manhood.  “There is high incentive for conflict, with little or no personal risk to balance the desire for vengeance.  In a victim culture, a person cultivates their sense of weakness and fragility, actively retarding the process of growing up.  There is zero incentive to mature, because maturity can actually decrease your power and influence……Developing toughness used to be a defining male characteristic.  The idea of appealing for help because one’s feeling were hurt, was frankly bizarre.”

As I write, I think of Peter’s invitation to follow Jesus.  What a dramatic contrast to the coming victim culture. “This is the kind of life you’ve been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived.  He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step.  He never did one thing wrong; Not once said anything amiss.  They called him every name in the book and he said nothing back.  He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right.  He used his servant body to carry our sins to the Cross so we could be rid of sin, free to live the right way” (I Peter 2:21-24 – The Message).  We are invited to face the same victimization as did Jesus.

Men, the days of soft, cultural Christianity are fading fast.  The “squishy middle” is eroding. Those committed to Jesus will face opposition from those opposed to the way of  Jesus. The words of Jesus will become more our experience. “If you find the godless world is hating you, remember it got it start hating me.  If you lived on the world’s terms, the world would love you as one of its own.  But since I picked you to live on God’s terms and no longer on the world’s terms, the world is going to hate you” (John 15:18-19 – Message).  May God give you grace as we become a victim for Jesus and accept it with joy.  “Your blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution.  The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom”  (Matt 5:10 – The Message).

In the recent mass shooting in Roseberg, Oregon, among the survivors was one man whose heroic action gained national attention.  Chris Mintz, a 30 year-old former Army infantryman, was shot five times while attempting to protect his fellow students.  Mintz has been hailed a hero. The day after the shooting he said, “I just hope that everyone else is okay.”  To me he exemplifies the God-given instinct given to men, to be the protector.  He is the opposite of the “beta male” who would more then likely defends his refusal to act out of valor and courage, while being dependent on the courage of others.

In our egalitarian age, men are not encouraged to act manly, by  displaying valor and courage.  This kind of manliness is seen as a legacy of our sexist past, a mark of white male privilege.  The New York Times ran an article recently entitled “27 ways to be a Modern man.”  “The modern man cries.  He cries often,”  was one characteristic, along with “On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon.  Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.”  The implication is that there is no significant difference between men and women, no virtues or qualities that can properly be called masculine or feminine.  My contention is that every man, especially those who are married,  have a God given instinct to protect.

In the beginning of the creation story in Genesis, we find in the call of  Adam, the archetype of the warrior/protector, but also of his failure to protect Eve from Satan. Adam was to guard and protect the garden (Gen. 2:15), which included his help mate Eve.  Bill Donaghy has suggested viewing  the Garden not only as a physical place, but  Eve herself.  “The Song of Songs alludes to woman as an ‘enclosed garden, a fountain sealed'” (Song 4:12), that is, someone to be protected. When Satan first approaches Eve in the temptation, Adam was right beside her but remained silent,  allowing Eve to be tempted and confronted by evil alone.  “He allowed the garden of Eve to be plundered by the Enemy.”  Men don’t allow yourself to become passive, allowing your voice to go silent in the midst of the spiritual struggles for your family.

Interestingly, the late Pope John Paul II said that original sin was an attempt to “abolish fatherhood.”  If there is truth in this observation, it should be a wake-up call for modern men, and especially fathers.  From the very beginning, Satan has tried to diminish man’s courage, from being  defenders and protectors.  When the voice of the father goes silent the family will suffer.  Even in the best evangelical homes, fathers do not defend their families against the evil one.

Here are some tips that I learned the hard way when I was a Dad, raising a family  many years ago.  First, as father I was to be the priest in my family.  I was to “precede”  over the spiritual climate of my family.  I tried to protect my family from all the “polluted’ spiritual air in the culture that surrounds my wife and children. I was like the watchman on the walls.  Secondly, I did battle against the spiritual forces that were arrayed against my family.  That meant I prayed for my family. Men, never underestimate the power of your prayers as the priest of your family.   Thirdly, I did not want to be silent and “go soft” in the spiritual struggle for my family.  Fourthly, above all else, I placed myself in submission under that lordship of Jesus, in order to keep my family safe.

Farmers in the Midwest used to run a rope from their house to the barn when a blizzard was coming, knowing that in a whiteout they might not find their way back to the house.  Parker Palmer refers to the “blizzard of the world” that can separates us from our souls.   What we need is a rope from the back door to the barn so we can find our way home again.  “When we catch sight of the soul, we can survive the blizzard without losing our hope or our way” (Palmer).  Leonard Cohen notes, “The blizzard  of the world has crossed the threshold, and it has overturn the order of the soul.” Jesus warns us, “What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? (Matt 16:26)  Men are you in danger of losing your soul in the blizzard of life?

Dallas Willard maintains that, “The soul is the capacity to integrate all the parts into a single whole life.  It is something like a program that runs a computer, you don’t usually notice it unless it messes up.”  In his view an unhealthy or ruined soul is a lost soul.  To lose my soul implies that I no longer have a healthy center that organizes and guides my life.  Another way of view the soul is to see it as the conductor of our lives, helping make our life a symphony.  Neglect produces a cacophony.

Ronald Rolheiser, a catholic spiritual writer, prompted me to write this blog when he pointed out the soul as being both the principle of life and  energy inside us as well as the principle of integration.  “Since the soul is double principle doing two things for us,”  Rolheiser points out, “there are two corresponding ways of losing our souls.  We can have no vitality and energy and go dead or we can become unglued and fall apart.”  We can weaken the God-given life inside us by either petrification or dissipation. We are in danger of losing our soul by not having enough fire or we can lose our soul by not having enough glue.

The soul is built on awareness and  attentiveness.  Pay attention to what your soul is telling you.  The soul is shy and waits to be heard.  We can easily neglect or deny the life of the soul. When we think of soul, we are not visualizing a substance or a place, but rather  a “reflective space” (Benner) that is at the center of our personality.  “Soul is,”  in the words of Eugene Peterson, “the most personal term we have for who we are….[It] is an assertion of wholeness, the totality of what it means to be a human being.”  So my cry again is for the readers of this blog to be “soulful men,” who do not lose their fire or become unglued in the midst of the blizzards of life.

Here are so tips on attentiveness.  First, know that soul will take you down into the realities of your life, the good, the bad and the ugly.  The soul withers when we live with illusion; on the surface.  The soul thrives in reality, the way life really comes to us.  Secondly, don’t let fear keep you from your reality, because Jesus meets you at the center, not in the place of our own preference.  Thirdly, spend time listening to your soul.  That means being quiet and accepting  of what “bubbles up” into your awareness.  Fourthly, find a “soul friend” or a group of guys that are comfortable with soul talk. Too many evangelical men are afraid of their own “evangelical, religious shadow.”

What do you think of Pope Francis?  I view the Pope as a humble, compassionate man, desirous of making us aware of the need for dialogue in a day when, as Harold Smith at Christianity Today put it, “the tone of our rhetoric, across most media and even behind some closed church doors, is more rage than redemption, more disgrace than grace.” He calls for “a beautiful escape” that “transcends the bitter realism in and outside the church.”  My biggest take away from the Pope is this – stick to your convictions but have an open and gracious spirit to those who oppose you.  His primary concern is showing mercy, not trying to please either the left or the right.

I am fascinated by the relationship between Raul Castro and Pope Francis.  Remember the Castro brothers (Fidel and Raul) have governed Cuba as an atheistic society since the early 60’s.  Last May Raul payed a visit to the Vatican.  He can away from his meeting, being quoted as saying, “If the Pope continues this way I will go back to praying and go back to the church, and I’m not joking.”  Quite an admitting for the leader of an atheistic society.  Raul admitted that he “always studied at Jesuit schools.”  He promised the when the Pope came to Cuba he would go to all his masses.  It seems like a spiritual fire was ignited  in his soul.

What brought about this stirring?  Could it be the Pope’s desire for dialogue?  He said to the bishops, “I cannot ever tire of encouraging you to dialogue fearlessly.”  I want to suggest that in the days to come dialogue, will be an effective means of influencing men to consider Jesus as Lord.  Look at what dialogue is doing in the soul of Raul Castro.  David Benner describes dialogue as involving, “shared inquiry designed to increase awareness and understanding of all parties.  In dialogue I attempt to share how I experience the world and seek to understand how you do also.  In this process each participant touches and is touched by others.”  In other words, I don’t give up my convictions, but I am deeply desirous to hear the heart of the other by showing mercy. I become a good listener of another person’s soul.

Pope Francis is secure enough in his relationship with the Lord, so as to invite sincere dialogue with others.  That is partly why he is so controversial.  He know what he believes, is motivated by the love of Jesus, and has a genuine love of people. He desires to show mercy to those he encounters. Dialogue begins with a deep respect for the other.  In dialogue we see others through the eyes of Jesus as unique and wonderful made in his image.  It can be a frightening prospect to share our deepest self with another.  A fear of intimacy and lack of control cause us to pull back from genuine dialogue.  But not the Pope.  He gets in “hot water” with both the left and right.

Dialogue and the Pope’s call for mercy are key components in our witness to a hostile, indifferent culture. The Lord knows what the Pope is up against.  The Pope’s official motto is, “choosing through the eyes of mercy.”  May we as men be willing to see others through the eyes of mercy as we dialogue with those in our sphere of influence.  Look what is happening to Raul Castro after all these years in “a spiritual wilderness.”  Who are the lonely men waiting to have dialogue with you?  Can you choose to see them through the eyes of mercy?

One of my favorite authors, Brennan Manning, who has since passed away, offered these two observations about the love of God that have stuck with me. The first, “God loves you as you are, not as you should be” and the second, “It takes a profound conversion to accept that God is relentlessly and compassionate toward us just as we are – not in spite of our sin and faults but with them.”  Manning calls it God’s “furious longing” for us.   There is sorrow on the part of our heavenly Father when we hide from his love.  I spend many years hiding from God’s love  because I did could not face my actual self.

Men, it is one thing to think about God’s great love for us, and another to truly experience his love.  It’s the difference between “knowing about” and “knowing of.”  To experience his love we have to allow ourselves to be known.  We find God in the realities of our life. As one spiritual writer observed, “The way to ascend to God is to descend into our realities.” This means allowing our actual self, the good, bad and ugly to be known by God.

Ever since Eden the human struggle has been “to escape from the grip of the spirit of fear and to be open to the embrace of love (Olthuis).”  I John 4:18 gives us a profound psychological truth to help us in this struggle. “There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”  Or as the Message puts it, “There is no room in love for fear.  Well-formed love banishes fear.  Since fear is crippling, a fearful life – fear of death, fear of punishment – is one not yet fully formed in love.”   God desires our friendship rather than having us live in fear.  “He offers his love as the one thing in the universe capable of freeing us from our fears ( Benner).”

Over the last 10 years I have been coming more out of my cave of hiding into the radiance of his love acceptance of me as “a beloved sinner.”  Believe me, it is a process.  I am been so used to hiding my “unwelcome parts” from God.  But the more I have learned to embrace the truth of I John 4:18, the more there is  grace available for me to face the reality of my shadow self, that part of me that I am ashamed of and want to hide.  I am coming to realize that much of my shadow self is not evil, but rather unacceptable to the spiritual image I have created of myself.  This is illusion, not reality.  God can only be known in the real.

Recently in some relational tension with my wife, I had to face my hiding.  The new learning that I want to pass along in this blog is this –  not only was I pushing my  wife away, as I insisted on staying in my “self-loathing cave” but I was allowing myself to be alienated from my true self in Christ.  Instead of rising up in the strength of the Lord and facing my faults, I stayed in my cave.  It was not pretty. I cowered in my self-loathing.  But thanks to God’s “furious longing” for a fallen man such as myself, his love reached me in my cave, allowing me to come out into the light, so that I could meet my wife as a helpmate not as a “wounded, hurting boy.”