Category: Brother Al (Page 60 of 68)

Having worked with men’s groups for many years, I have learned to identify three levels of conversation among Christian brothers.  First there is the general “guy talk”.  Men are most comfortable at this level. Wes Yoder suggests that the perfect conversation for men can be summed up in eight words, “Can you believe the weather at that game?”  The second is “God talk.”  This is generally “safe” objective talk about spiritual matters   The third is “soul talk.”  This conversation goes to the hurt and pain inside.  Men need to learn to do soul talk.

Christian men living in a post-Christian America can develop a “critical spirit,”  as they lament the lack of support for a biblical worldview in a culture,  with a growing  anti-Christian bias.  It is easy to fall into whining.  It very well could be that we, like the people of Israel, are traveling through a wilderness.  We can not ask the culture to do for us, what we as believers have to do for ourselves.  God’s presence will go with us and he will provide for our needs, as he did for the people of Israel.

Every morning God miraculously provided manna as food.  But we read,  “the riffraff among the people had a craving and soon they had the People of Israel whining, ‘Why can’t we have meat? We ate fish in Egypt – and got it free! – to say nothing of the cucumbers and melons, the leeks and onions and garlic.  But nothing tastes good out here; all we get is manna, manna, manna.'” (Numbers 11: 4-6 – The Message)  Years ago, Keith Green wrote a song about the whining of the people Israel as they complained about “manna burgers” every day.  They took their eyes off of God’s presence among them and whined about his provision for the journey.  They wanted to go back to the way it used to be in Egypt.  They were still cultural enslaved to life in Egypt.  How enslaved can we be to the culture?

Men, don’t let your fellowship with other brothers allow a critical spirit to develop, giving you license to whine about how bad the culture  is becoming.  Yes, we need to be a salt and light in a dark world, but we are not going to get the culture to “dance to our tune.” We have to take a long look at our own life ( soul talk).  Our character formation is what matters.  Men need to challenge each other with the question, “Am I becoming more of who Jesus wants me to be in the culture?”  We need to see what a great opportunity we have to be lights in a darkening cultural environment.

What will that look like.  Recently I read this description of Jesus.  Jesus Christ modeled authentic manhood by, ” joyful responsibility, humble service, and courageous leadership.”  We have the opportunity to reflect these three qualities to the world.  Jesus cautions us when he says, “If you don’t go all the way with me, through think and thin, you don’t deserve me.  If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself.  But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me.” (Matt 10: 38-39 – The Message).  In looking to Jesus and not the culture, we will  find our true self.

For many years I have known that my call has been to minister to “the soul life” of men.  The “care of souls” has defined much of what motivates me in men’s ministry.   I started using the word “soul” intentionally, when others were shying away from “soul talk.”  So I was thrilled to see a bestselling author like John Ortberg, talking about soul in his new book “Soul Keeping.”

Ortberg compares the soul to a car.  “If you want to care for your car, you  have to know what the parts do.”  You need to look at what is under the hood.  We not only have a soul but we are a soul; we are “embodied souls“.  Genesis 2:7 reminds us that God, “formed Man out of dirt from the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life.  The Man came alive – a living soul.” – The Message).  The soul observes Ortberg, “is what holds us all together, what connects our will and our minds, our bodies and connects us to God.”  A healthy soul is whole and integrated, connected to God, at peace with God, with himself and with others.  To have an unhealthy soul  is to live in denial with what is going on inside.  “One of the worst parts about having an unhealthy soul is we’re able to keep ourselves from seeing how unhealthy it is,” observes Ortberg.

Men, how is the health of your soul?  This comes to you as a “soul alert.  From  my experience  men need to  become “soulful”, not neglecting their souls, but listening to what the soul has to tell them.   Men naturally want to stay in “the control tower” of reason and control.  But remember the soul is the deepest part of who we are –  a mystery to befriend rather than neglect.  It is shy, needing to be welcomed into awareness.  Soul  is the most personal term we have to describe our life with God.  Eugene Peterson reminds us that “soul has given way to ‘self’ as the term of choice to designate who and what we are.  Self is the soul minus God.”  A lot of “self talk” needs to be replace with “soul talk.”

So, men here are some tips on being more soulful, while maintain a healthy soul.  1) Ask for grace to accept what is going on in your soul, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  This is the real you.  Hiding is unhealthy.  2) Admit your  neglect of your inner life – living in illusions not reality.  3) Admit your fear of listening to your soul.  It takes courage to see what is really in your “tank.” A lot has been stored there waiting to come into the light.  4)  Have courage to face the pain .  You need to “get to” and “through” the pain.  5) Keep your eyes on Jesus, to find help in  separating the good from the bad.  You might need a “spiritual friend.”

Remember this comes to you as a “soul alert.”    Most men are uncomfortable with “soul talk.”  I am asking each of you to consider the healthy of your soul.  It is your center.  Don’t neglect it. “And what do you benefit if you gain to whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?” (Matt 16:26)

I recently came across a new term related to men in our culture.  It is called the “man box.”  “In the absence of emotional authenticity, American men become homogeneous in their expression of self.  This encourages their location, willingly or otherwise, in what many writers have come to call the Man Box.  The Man Box is a set of rigid expectations that define what a ‘real man.'”  Basically it is a “rambo”  type man who is self sufficient, expressed in a guise of competency.

But the Man Box exposes the  incompetency of men in relationships.  Asking another man to “please be my friend” represents a social risk of failure because men have given little attention to cultivating this kind of interpersonal risk taking.  “It creates a moment of uncertainty that is agonizing for men.  To ask for friendship suggests vulnerability, flexible social standing or even willingness to admit need.”  Most of these values are in short supply in typical male relationships.

Men, I can not stress the importance of “male bonding.”  I can speak from personal experience working with men for many years.  I only wish I would have opened my heart to other men sooner.  Even though I am a “heart” type of guy (ENFJ – Myers- Briggs) I was well into my fifties before I opened up with other guys.  I spent a lot of years protecting my wounded, fearful heart.   My biggest learning was this: When I experienced other men loving me for who I really was, it gave me a heart that could finally open up to the love of God.   Praise God!!!

Find a group of guys that are committed to “soul talk.”  Or find another brother who is willing to risk talking about the pain in his heart.  Remember, men move in “circles of competence.”  Social risk making is not rewarded.  But living  risk free has it price.  Men are left feeling disconnected, hidden or unfulfilled.  Communication with our wives and children will be hindered.  Being a husband and dad requires vulnerability and transparency, not competence and and knowing the answers.  At home the “fix-it” mentality will not heal family wounds or resolve family secrets.

Men, we need to embrace the “uncertainty” of connecting at the soul level with other guys.  This is where we learn to relate emotionally as men.   It is in these conversations that we learn  to be honest and authentic.  We are being real rather than competent.  Uncertainty in relationships takes courage, because there is risk involved.  Remember without risk, there will be little relational growth.  Find a group of guys that are willing to share their secrets, rather than their successes.  “Does anyone bring a lamp home and put it under a washtub or beneath the bed?  Don’t you put it up on a table or on the mantel?  We’re not keeping secrets, we’re telling them: we’re not hiding things, we’re bringing them out into the open” (Mark 4:21-22 – The Message).

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In Luke 21, Jesus is talking about the future when he says, “They will hand you over to synagogues and put you in prison, and you will be  brought  before kings and governors, and all on account of my name.  And so you will bear testimony to me” (v. 12-13).  Could the time come when men of God will be called upon to testify in difficult times?   To name the name of Jesus in our day is much more risky than just ten years ago.  How will you respond in adversity?  Consider the number of times Jesus warned his followers about being “hated.”

The following definition of the masculinity came to mind, when I ponder being a godly man in our culture.  “The power to honor the truth – to speak it and be it – is at the heart of true masculinity.” (Leanne Payne).  Truth is hard to come by in our Post-modern age, when our culture has accepted the proposition that truth is relative.   Paul warned us, “You’re going to find that there will be times when people will have no stomach for solid teaching, but will fill up on spiritual junk food – catchy opinions that tickle their fancy.  They’ll turn their backs on truth and chase mirages” (II Tim 2:3-4 – The Message).

I am personally grieved at the manner in which “church people” are being blinded to the truth.  A cloud of deception seems to  prevent many from seeing what is happening in our culture.  I sometimes feel like a “watchmen on the walls” wanting to cry out,  “Don’t you see what is on the horizon.”  Jesus warned of this when He quoted Isaiah: “You will be ever hearing but never understanding; you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.  For this people’s heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes” (Matt 13:14-15).

Men, I trust that you want to be a “truth-teller” in our culture.   The true masculine expression will honor the truth. Godly men will not only speak truthfully but also live by the truth   Our intention and commitment must be settled. We will live by the truth, no matter what. So what does that look like?

This is how I see it for my own life.  First, acceptance of Scripture as the expression of “objective reality.”  This is how reality works.  Secondly, to be a humble, loving follower of the truth.  This means allowing Jesus to transform my life from the inside out.  No secrets.  Thirdly, desire to live a life of integrity.  Head and heart flow together.  Fourthly, to live an authentic life.  What you see is the real me.  Fifthly, admit  and confess when I have failed to live up to the truth. “Lord, help me to be an honest man in all areas of my life.”

Finally, remember the wonderful promise of Jesus: “If you stick with this, living out what I tell you, you are my disciples for sure.  Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you” (John 8:32 – The Message).  Truth will free you from that self-enclosed, dark, fearful, insecure, lonely hiding place within, bringing you into the light, allowing you to live freely.

Another subject that came up at our recent “Wildman” Saturday was the relationship with our fathers.  Some still had dads alive, while others had lost their dads.  When men get honest about their past unresolved pain, the subject often turns to our fathers.  So we talked about the struggle of “honoring” our fathers, even though the relationship might not have been that great.

As most of you probably know the command to honor father and mother is the only commandment with a promise.  We read in Deut. 5:16, “Honor your father and mother, as the Lord your God has commanded, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”  To dishonor our father will cause our life not to “go well.”  We will sow  the bad seeds of resentment  planted in our soul, producing bad fruit in our relationships, especially at home.  Mark it down – it is a spiritual principle.  How do you react when your wife says, “you are just like your father?”

Years ago I learned a valuable lesson in the honoring of my father from John and Paula Sandford  through their ministry of inner healing.  They called Prov 20:20 their “20/20 vision” scripture.  ‘”If a man curses his father and mother, his lamp will be snuffed out in pitch darkness.”  What I learned was this:  “That single fifth commandment is a description in all human life of the way reality works. In every area consciously or unconsciously that we judged or dishonored our parents, in that very area life will not go well with us.”  I learned to forgive my Dad, let him go, love him and honor him, without any expectations, because of this commandment.

I know in this short blog I may be opening up a “can of worms” for some men.  But my point is this.  Take the commandment to heart.  If you are not honoring your Father, begin to do so.  It will take some soul work.  Begin by being honest about any anger or bitterness you may harbor.  Ask God to soften your heart.  Talk to another brother about your struggle.  As you go through the process of forgiving and letting go, ask God for the strength and grace to “honor” your father.  My dad and I never had a close relationship.  He never dealt with his heart issues.  But because I went through the process of forgiving and letting go, I could honor my dad

Men, as a father it is important to model honoring your father.  You do not want to have “bad seeds” planted in your children that are a result of your bitterness and hurt.  I know I had to stop ‘bad seeds” from being planted in my family, because they are passed down to me by my father.  Men, you can stop the growth of these seeds by humbly coming to the cross, where you can confess your judgments on your father, thus laying down a heavy burden.  It will be a gift to your family.

During this Lenten season I have been reflecting on the passion of our Lord.  Peter keeps  coming to mind as I think of the men who read this blog.  Peter can be a great encouragement for us, when we fail our Lord. I consider Peter the Patron Saint of  a men’s “Soul Care” group. Peter was a “real guy.”  He was a rough, seasoned fishermen.  He was the outspoken leader of the 12 disciples.  After Pentecost he was the a leader in the early church.  Jesus called him a “rock.”  He said confidently to Jesus, “…I’m ready for anything with you.  I’d go to jail for you.  I’d die for you!” (The Message Luke 22:33).

But he denied Jesus  three times, just as Jesus had predicted.  The last denial was accompanied by a curse.  “Then he began to curse and swear, ‘I don’t know the man!'” (Matt 26:74).  Here is a manly man swearing that he know nothing of Jesus.  Wow.  What a fall.  Luke tells us that after the third denial, “The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter.” (22:60).  Imagine the pathos for Jesus and Peter’s utter failure. When Peter remembered  Jesus prediction we are told, “he went outside and wept bitterly.” (Luke 22:62).  Yet after the resurrection Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved him.  Each time Peter said, “You know that I love you.”  This is the same man who denied Jesus only a few days prior.

Remember Jesus said this would happen.  Jesus has said to Peter, “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat.  But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.  And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.” (Luke 22:31-2).  The enemy certainly tried to separate (sift) Peter from the Lord.  Jesus know this would happen.  So he tells Peter that he is praying for him.  Through this experience, Peter would be able to help others, because even in failure he experienced God’s love, not rejection.

So men, how do you see  yourself in the denial of Peter.  Here is my encouragement.  The focus of the story should be on Jesus’ relationship with Peter, not that of Peter.  Peter, blow it big time.  So will we.  We can say that it will not be so, but like Peter it will happen.  What Peter remembered through this sad story is the love Jesus had for him.  That is why Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved him.  Peter could say Yes, because he know how much Jesus loved him.

So there you have it men.  Open your heart and soul to receive the great love God has for you.  Let it sink into your soul.  Bask in this love.  Know it is true.  Like Peter you will blow it.  When your spiritual eyes meet those of  Jesus, similar to that of Peter, what you will encounter are the eyes of loving kindness.  Jesus sees through your failure.  You are being shifted.  In the midst of your failure and recovery, don’t take your eyes of Jesus.  His love for you will overwhelm you with gratitude and thanksgiving.  I know this is true because I am “a beloved sinner” like Peter.

These words “Here is the man.” (John 19:4)  were uttered by Pilate as he gave into the demands of the crowd wanting Jesus to be crucified.  Jesus stood with Pilate before the crowd after being flogged and mocked by Pilate’s soldiers.  He stood in humiliation, wearing a crown of thorns and a purple robe, as Pilate looked for a way to release Jesus despite the angry crowd.  Pilate said to them, “I present him to you, but I want you to know that I do not find him guilty of any crime” (John 19:4 – The Message).  Here is a real man, suffering great injustice, humiliation and finally death.

Stephen Mansfield makes this observation about Jesus the man.  “The NT presents the Son of Man as the True Man.  Jesus’ manhood subverts the manly man of the Greco-Roman world because Jesus’ manhood is one of humiliation, service, and crucifixion.  Jesus takes on the form of a slave (Phil 2:5-11).  True manhood is not measured by courage or strength but by self-sacrificial love for the other.”

Men, Jesus give us an example to follow, plus the grace and strength through the infilling of His Spirit, to carry through with a servant heart.  “This is the kind of life you’ve been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived.  He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step.  He never did one thing wrong, not once said anything amiss.  They called him every name in the book and he said nothing back.  He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right.  He used his servant body to carry our sins to the Cross so we could be rid of sin, free to live the right way” (I Peter 2:21-24 – The Message).

Don’t get me wrong.  We need men with courage, determination and fortitude.  But in the kind of toxic cultural environment we live in, where Christian  men either “cave in” under social pressures, or they become angry, resentful men, reacting rather than responding with love, we need a good dose of teaching on the servant heart of Jesus.  He made it very clear.  “Whoever wants to be great must become a servant.  Whoever want to be first among you must be your slave.  That is what the Son of Man has done.  He came to serve, not to be served (Mark 10:42-44 – The Message)

As soldiers for Christ we need training for the real combat we will face.  Guess where you will receive your best training?  You bet – it at home with your wife and kids.  This is where we learn to be a solider, who goes into combat, having learned something about “self-sacrificial love for the other.”   So men, I tell you from a lot of personal experience, what you learn and become at home is what you will carry into the world.  Ask your heavenly Father for grace to learn your lessons as home.  Get with some other guys who see the same need.  Together cry out to God for mercy to be changed into loving warriors for him.

“Just Be Held” is the title of a song from the latest CD release by “Casting Crowns.”  I played it for the guys at our last “wildman” retreat.  I try to keep up on contemporary Christian music.  The words to a lot of the songs are what I call “Fluff.”  There is no spiritual meat.  But groups like Casting Crowns have great words, that speak to real life as we journey with Jesus.  I also listen with men in mind.  There is a “male soulfulness” that men can relate to as they listen to Casting Crowns.  Another group I like is “MercyMe.”

Anyway, the refrain in the song is great.  “So when you’re on your knees /and answers seem so far away/you’re not alone/stop holding on and just be held/ Your world’s not falling apart/It”s falling into place/I’m on the throne/stop holding on.”  These words, in my opinion, speak directly to men on the journey, as  we seek to be transformed more into the likeness of Jesus.  We are not in control Remember this is an ‘inside job.”  God brings the change.  It is not about our “spiritual improvement projects.”

There are times when we are simply”holding on,” attempting to patch up and “fix” our spiritual life.  But we are encouraged to “stop holding on and just be held.”  In other words, let go, trust, and rest in the arms of our heavenly Father.  When I heard this song, it brought to mind two Psalms.  First Ps. 40:1-2, ‘I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock, and gave me a firm place to stand.”  We are encouraged to wait patiently, allowing  the Lord to lift us out of the pit, rather then hanging on for dear life.  He will give us a firm place to stand.

The other Psalm was Ps. 131:2, “But I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with it mother, like a weaned child I am content.”  A weaned child is held in love.  Here are some more words from the song. “in the storm is where you will find me/and where you are/I’ll hold your heart/come to me/find your rest in the arms of a God who won’t let go.”  Remember men, God is with you in the midst of the storm.  It takes real trust in a loving God to believe that he holds your  heart, as you rest in his arms, during the storms of life.

My advise, which I have to practice regularly is as follows: First, from the depth of my being I cry out, “God, have mercy on me. I really need your help.”  Secondly, I hold on in simple childlike trust. I take a day at a time.  Thirdly, I thank God that he is with me and taking care of me far beyond my understanding.  Fourthly,  from this firm place, I go forth to  follow Jesus no matter what the cost.  And Fifthly, I  ask him to continually fill me with His Spirit.

At one of my recent “wildman” retreats, a young man came rather distort, due to the emotional strain of being the caregiver for his wife following her surgery.  He shared the discomfort he felt in shedding tears due to his emotional stress. In displaying  tears, he felt like a failure in the care of his wife.  I know this would be a teaching moment for all of us.  I even enlisted the assistance of my wife, in being able to avail a feminine perspective.  My point was, “tears can be good, as long as they are not shared in self-pity or used manipulatively.”

Douglas Wilson makes this observation about the masculine in our culture.  “We live in a feminist and effeminate culture.  Because of this, at best, as a people we are uneasy with masculinity and with increasingly regularity, whenever it manages to appear somehow, we call for someone to do something about it.”  This is certainly the case with masculine emotions. “What do you do with a crying man?”   Men are constantly been challenged to be more sensitive and nurturing, but when they struggle with their tender side there is little help.  As I have said in the past, I say it again, men are going to have to work out their emotional life with other men.

I want to say loudly and clearly to every “suffering” man out there; “tears are not a sign of weakness.” Not only have we not seen the “healthy” expression of tears shed by our fathers and other male role models, but the strong feminist sentiment almost demands that men  bury their real feelings.  Hear me, men – your wife does not see your shedding of tears as weakness, as long as you are owning your condition.  It actually draws her closer to you, because it bring you to the heart level, where she can sense your companionship.  Your wife needs to know your heart, not the coldness of your “stiff upper lip.”

Listen men, your tears during emotional stress are like an “emotional  release” that needs to be expressed.  It is important to your emotional and psychological well being  that you find relief.  Tears are part of the answer.  I can testify to the healthy expression of tears.  I don’t like that I have to cry.  But when I feel them coming I no longer hold back, even in front of my wife.  It brings relief, perspective, and a sense of peace in the midst of an emotional storm.

The Psalms will gives us a biblical perspective.  Look up “tears.”  Listen to David in Psalm 6. “My soul is in deep anguish.  How long, Lord, how long?…I am worn out from my groaning.  All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.  My eyes grow weak with sorrow;…..for the Lord has heard my weeping” (Ps 6: 3,6-7, & 8).  If you need to get used to crying, do it is secret; just you and a lovingly heavenly Father, who is waiting to hold you.  Men, just learn to let it go.  He will hold you and bring comfort if you can be real.  Remember you are his child. Twila Paris used to sing “the warrior is a child.”  Do yourself a favor and be a man. Let the emotional steam out by having a good cry, especially with your wife.

I start with a quote from Matt 10.  “Don’t be intimidated.  Eventually everything is going to be out in the open, and everyone will know how things really are.  So don’t hesitate to go public now.  Don’t be bluffed into silence by the threats of bullies.  There’s nothing they can do to your soul, your core being.  Save your fear for God, who holds your entire life – body and soul – in his hands….Stand up for me against world opinion, and I’ll stand up for you before my Father in heaven.  If you turn tail and run, do you think I’ll stand up for you before my Father in heaven…..If you don’t go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don’t deserve me.  If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself.  But if you forget yourself and look to me, you’ll find  both yourself and me.” (Matt 10:26-8, 32, 38-39 – The Message)

Men, take note of the bold print.  Jesus is asking us to stand with him in a culture with eroding Christian values, producing an increasing  negative posture to a healthy masculine presence.  If our priorities are  self-concern,self image, self  gratification and self-preservation (Albert Haase) we will never know who we are as men, according to Jesus.  But if we are a committed follower of Jesus, we will know our true identity and his presence in our lives.  If you are a Christian man, you don’t want to be “hollowed out,” running on a empty spiritual tank, trying to make it as a believer.  I guarantee you that you will be intimidated, turn tail and run, being bluffed into silence.  You don’t want to be a casualty of the cultural wars.

I confess to you men, that I am not a natural fighter, the kind of warrior that looks for a fight and wants to be aggressive with his witness.  I have been a people pleaser most of my life.  I am not comfortable with confronting, nor do I enjoy arguing.   But having walked with Jesus for over 50 years, coming to love him more as I age, I am determined in the Lord, not to be intimidated.  We have gone to far in our culture.  We are losing our voice in the public square. What we desperately need are a “few good men” in every church and community who will not be intimated, but stand for Jesus when the occasion arises.  I want to influence as many young men as I can.

So what is a man to do?  First be clear and certain about your commitment to Jesus.  Give your heart and soul to him.  Second, each of us has a “sphere of influence” to be a witness. Be faithful in your vineyard.  Thirdly, follow Jesus example of wanting to be a servant to all.  Fourth, humbly, lovingly give your witness for the Lord when it is called for.  Fourthly, let your story be his story of redemption in your life, allowing the focus to be on God’s love, mercy and kindness in your life.   Oh, God raise up a new generation of warriors who will stand and fight with the weapons of humility and love.