I shared in a recent blog about my wife’s cousin, Scott (age 56) and his courageous struggle with brain cancer.  He died recently.  I was privileged to be able to give the eulogy at his funeral.  It was a joy, even though it was Scott’s funeral, to share our journey over the the last three and a half years.  Scott’s wish was that I  give a testimony to all present at his funeral.

The morning of the service, while on  a prayer walk, I had the strong impression that I was to share as a scout.  Scott and I had explored the thin line between life and death.  I was now coming back to report that going to be with Jesus had become real for Scott; it was reality not illusion.   One of the scriptures that informed our sharing was II Cor 4:16-18, which reads in part, “We do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day…So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

I reported on three impressions.  First,  Scott kept his focus on Jesus, as he opened his heart to him.  He was so excited about what Jesus was showing him through scripture, spiritual writers and our talks.  He learned to see spiritual reality simply, yet in life changing ways as he struggled to make sense of his fight with cancer.   We talked about the work of the Holy Spirit in renewing his heart, as his body continued to deteriorate despite the aggressive cancer therapy.  I marveled at how Jesus became so real to Scott in the midst of much uncertainty regarding life and death.  Scott taught me to trust Jesus and keep my focus on him, no matter what the circumstances.

Secondly, I watched as Scott grew more confidently in the Lord despite his uncertain condition.  The hope of going to be with Jesus gave Scott an eternal horizon to view his struggle here below.   I would often say, “Scott, it not you; it is Jesus working in your heart” (Rom. 8:26).  Scott never complained or felt sorry for himself.  He even made light of his health and how it effected him.  Often he would say “How fortunate I am.”  More profoundly he would say, “either way I win.”  How privileged I was to see God at work in the soul of a man.  The words of Ps. 116:15 seemed to apply to Scott’s life near the end.  “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.”

Thirdly, Scott’s death was a gift that he gave not only to his family but  to all the people who knew him.  Many after the service said that Scott’s witness helped them deal with the reality of death in a whole new way.  Even in the midst of sorrow, Scott wanted his death to be a blessing.  In that sense he was giving his death away. “The final human and Christian challenge of our lives,” observes Richard Rolheiser, “is the struggle to give our death away.” Our death can be our last and greatest gift to those we love.  The question men, for each of us is this –  “How can we live now so that when we die our death may be a blessing to our family and friends?”

Richard Rohr made an interesting observation regarding his journey.  He prays each day for one good humiliation.  I have thought a lot about that comment.  I have asked God to help me accept gracefully those events in my daily life that are humbling.  We read in I Peter 5:5-6, “All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, ‘God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.’  Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.”  Men, your family relationships will keep you humble.  Remember through your failure, God will “lift you up.”

I was humbled recently during the visit of our daughter’s family from San Antonio.  I had prayed before their visit that I might be a loving, and accepting grandfather to three teenage boys.  But during a breakfast meal, I blow it, and made an angry remark.  My outburst produced a noticeable chill to our table fellowship.  After a picture taking session, I asked for a family conference with my daughter’s family.  I humbled myself and asked for forgiveness for my “unacceptable attitude.”

I share my story because all the men reading this blog will face similar situations. You will be humbled by your unacceptable behavior or attitude.  It is a given on the spiritual journey.  In the past I would have gone into my “cave,” feeling like a relational failure, while beating myself up, only to emerge as a “pouting”  little boy. (That is hard to admit.)  But praise God, because of his transforming work in my soul, I could accept  failure but not defeat.  Men, don’t let  relationship failure cause you to go down in defeat.  Stand up, accept failure, and cry out for grace to be a man, by admitting your failure.  The devil loves to have you withdraw emotional, brooding  in defeat. Ask yourself how you are feeling? Don’t you feel like a little boy feeling sorry for yourself?

As I look back on that breakfast incident I would like to make two observations.  First, I was able to “man up” and admit my failure.  It takes inner strength and courage to “man up” in our relationship mishaps.  I praise God for his grace in my life.  Remember God will oppose the proud, that is, the resistant spirit in a man.  When a man can humble himself honestly before others, God offers favor (grace).  That means a man will be made stronger in his heart.  It is a weak man, fearful in heart, who will stiffen up and resist vulnerability, thus being opposed by God

Secondly, I was able to teach my three grandsons a very important lesson.  We will all make mistakes in our interactions with each other.  As the grandfather I needed to set the tone, by humbly admitting my intolerant attitude.  Men, I can not tell you how important it is for you to model humility before your wife and children when it comes to relational failures.  Many of us suffered for years because we had fathers who just lived in their caves of self-pity and loneliness.  They brooded in relational defeat.  Don’t go there.  Proverbs 29:23 tells us, “A man’s pride brings him low, but a man of lowly spirit gains honor.”  Allow God to give you honor, by humbling yourself before your family members.

A spiritual writer, who has helped me on the journey is Father Thomas Keating ( I discovered him in 1984). He makes this observation regarding a quote from St Therese of Lisieux, “This is one to the greatest insights of all time into the nature of God and of our relationship to him.”  Here is her  quote: “Even if I had on my conscience every conceivable sin, I would lose nothing of my confidence.  My heart overflowing with love, I would throw myself  into the arms of the Father, and I am certain that I would be warmly received.”  I must confess that in the early days of “my kingdom building” I could not relate very well to this quote.  It might be that some of you men have the same reaction.

I want to share three truths that I have learned over the years that allow me to say “amen” to this quote from Theresa.  I don’t know why it took so long to have these convictions formed in my soul.  But I am motivated to share my story with other men, so they do not have to wallow in the pit of despair, doubt and condemnation.  I encourage each man to take Paul’s warning to the Galatians to heart. “When you attempt to live by your own religious plans and projects, you are cut off from Christ, you fall out of grace…..What matters is something far more interior: faith expressed in love” (Gal 5: 4,6 – Message).

First,  I know at the deepest level of my soul that God loves me in all my shame and vulnerability.  When I began to expose the dark side of my heart to God and spiritual friends, I came to know God’s love for me.  I am his beloved.  With Therese, I can throw myself into “the arms of the Father,” being confident of his love.  Yes, and I know that I will be “warmly received”  because “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Rom 8:1)

Secondly I am a Beloved sinner. I am a man born into sin.  I have developed deep sin patterns in my life, some of which I am still discovering. It is similar to a spiral that goes ever deeper in the cleansing of my soul.  Yes, I am deeply flawed, but I am the beloved of God.  Paul said of himself, “Here’s a word you can take to heart and depend on: Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners.  I’m proof – Public Sinner Number One – of someone who could never have made it apart from sheer mercy” (I Tim 1:15). I say amen.

Thirdly, I am under construction. The image of God within me is tarnished.  Experiencing God’s love for me at a deeper level, has gives me the vulnerability to acknowledge my fallen state before God and other brothers.  It brings a lot of relief to not have to perform, but freely admit that I am tarnished.  I still pretend at times, but not like I did in the past.  Now it is easier to relax and just let it be, knowing that I am “warmly received.”

Spiritual author, Ronald Rolheiser made this interesting observation about men and women.  “Men suffer more from gender depression than woman do.”  He sites the work of Robert Moore, a University of Chicago anthropologist, who maintains that men struggle to relate to women not because they have lost touch with their feminine side, but rather because they have lost touch with their masculine side.  Men trying to be more sensitive seem to take less delight in their maleness.  “Most sensitive men are depressed,” notes Moore, “They ‘re so afraid of being jerks or idiots, they’d rather be depressed then to act out their masculine energies.”  Men have “inhaled” the feminist critique of maleness.  Regarding men, Moore notes,  “…it doesn’t take much for them to believe that they are bad in their own guts.  Men have a bad self-image, and they’re  apologetic about being male. When we feel like that, there’s going to be a lot of depression.”

Men, my personal story fits with these observations.  I have walked down a long road in becoming  more comfortable with my masculine soul.  I have lived with a “covert” (hidden) depression in relating to my manhood.  I worked mightily to build an image of a “godly” man, that was all my doing, while hiding  feelings of inferiority.   I was a “niece” caring guy, who had to hide negative emotions, thus causing “covert” depression.  As the “gender wars” rage on in our culture, I desire to live authentically as a man.  I want to be free from, “having to manage others impressions of me.” (Willard). I take delight in these words from Paul.  “Christ has set us free to live a free life.  So take your stand!  Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.” (Gal 5:1 – Message).  God help me to live in the freedom of my maleness.

This freedom stirs a deep desire within me to help younger men be comfortable in their maleness.  So what do I want you as a reader of this blog to take away from my confession.  I have two observations.  First, let Jesus into the deepest parts of your soul.  Realize He is already at the center loving you.  Jesus said that He and the Father would come and make their home with us (John 14:23).  John tells us, “And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us.” (I John 3:24 – Message).  Jesus waits for you to open the doors to all those dark rooms that harbor your fears of being known. The surprise is that he knows all that is hidden there.

The second exhortation follows the first.  Welcome Jesus into your hidden rooms.  Walk with him through all that is found there.  Let the healing light of his presence shed new understanding as to who you really are as a man.  Let him rearrange all the furniture that is found there.  You will be amazed at how he can recreate your true image as a man.  After all, your person hood as a man is a gift from the one who has created you for himself.

In his book on male depression, Terrence Real makes this interesting statement:  “A boy’s disavowal of the “feminine” in himself falls into two  spheres: rejection of expressivity and rejection of vulnerability.”  I recently wrote a blog on the need for men to be both tough and tender.  Being expressive of our feelings and having a vulnerable heart is a display of tenderness.  However, Real observes that “invulnerability robs men of wisdom known to most women in this culture.  People actually connect better when they expose their weaknesses.”   Invulnerability sets men up to be the keepers of their secrets, producing men who live in cramped, isolated and lonely fortresses of outward competence, that is, feigning toughness.

One of our deepest felt needs as men in our culture is not to feel alone.  Men so often feel like they are in the struggle of life all alone.  They feel that they have to tackle the struggles of life without others who care.  Being emotionally isolated and lacking caring relationships is one of the deep hidden cries of the masculine soul in America.  Men live with deeply held secrets that produce a kind of sadness that fills much of their inner life.  It is like a fog that never lifts. The cry of many men is this: “Who will help me through this fog into a clearing so that I can enjoy life again? I am tired of playing the game.  I want relief.  Is there a place where I can share my secrets?”

I say there is.  It is with other men who are also tired of being nice and polite in their outward churchy demeanor. They are looking for a group in which the healing light of Jesus shines brightly, bringing healing to the masculine soul.   This kind of  group takes these words of Jesus to heart:  “Does anyone bring a lamp home and put it under a washtub or beneath the bed?  Don’t you put it up on a table or on a mantel?  We’re not keeping secrets, we’re telling them; we’re not hiding things, we’re bringing them out into the open” (Mark 4:20-21 – Message).  In such a group men admit the difficulty of making themselves vulnerable, but are willing to take the risk of learning how with a group of guys who care.  There is real relief when guys can share their secrets.

Men, take the following words to heart, and find another man or a group that is tired of walking in the fog of relational loneliness.  In the days to come we will need soul care groups for men to care for our inner life as the darkness and confusion increases in the culture.  “If we claim that we experience a shared life with him and continue to stumble around in the dark, we’re obviously lying through our teeth – we’re not living what we claim.  But if we walk in the light, God himself being the light, we also experience a shared life with one another, as the sacrificed blood of Jesus, God’s son, purges all our sin.”  (I John 1:6-7 – Message)  Praise God that the blood of Jesus will cleanse and purify our souls as we share our secrets in the light with other men.  So let’s fight for each other hearts and souls.

This blog is very personal. It has to do with Scott,  my wife’s cousin.  He is a man in his 50’s who is dying of brain cancer.  Judy and I recently visited with Scott and his wife, Kathy.   We talked together about Scott’s deteriorating condition and his departure from this life.  Scott and I have talked often about his journey with cancer the last couple of years.  My reason for writing about Scott is to share his testimony of faith and the example he has been to me of a younger man prepared to die.

As Scott’s conditioned has worsened, he has continued to turn his gaze unto Jesus.  It has been an inspiration to hear him express his trust in Jesus.  The peace and rest he has in his Savior is a powerful testimony to all who know him.  His concern is for his wife, three daughters and his dad.  We have talked about his dying as being a gift to his loved ones.  Listen to what Henri Nouwen has to say about our dying. “But we can choose to befriend our death as Jesus did……As men and women who have faced our morality, we can help our brothers and sisters to dispel the darkness of death and guide them toward the light of God’s grace.”  Scott’s attitude about his own death has become a gift to his family, in the midst of their sorrow with his possibility of going to be with the Lord.

Men I write about Scott because I want to challenge you to come to peace about your own death.  Do not be afraid of death or even contemplating your own death.  Remember Paul’s word to us. “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?…But thanks be to God!  He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (I Cor 15:55&57).  I learned years ago from Eugene Peterson to pray for a good death.  Remember you have no control over when and how you will die.  So fix your eyes on the one who is “the resurrection and the life.”  Paul exhorts us to “…fix our eyes not on what is seen, but when is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (II Cor 5:18)

Here are  two suggestions to consider as you journey through life.  First, come to peace with your own death.  If you are a follower of Jesus, don’t let anyone or anything in this life, rob you of the joy of going to heaven.  “The desire to break camp here and be with Christ is powerful” lamented Paul. “Some days I can think of nothing better.” (Phil 1:23).  So think about heaven and the joy of being there.  Don’t get to weighed down with the affairs of this world.  Remember your “citizenship is in heaven.” (Phil 3:20).

Secondly, don’t be afraid to talk about death with your loved ones, especially your children.  We did that during family devotions after funerals of church  and family members.  It helps your children to see that death is a natural part of the journey.  Yes, there will be sorrow.  But Jesus has promised to be with us in those times, to bring healing to our hearts.  Our sorrow is not for our departed loved one, but for ourselves.

Awhile back I preached for my pastor.  I choose John 11, the story of Lazarus being raised from dead as my text.  It is a wonderful text to use when speaking about transformation.  I understand transformation to be change from “the inside out.”   That is, the Spirit of God is allowed to enter the depths of our being, resulting in the change needed to be more like Jesus.   Our part is to surrender and yield to what God is doing.   That is the tough part from men – “letting go” and receiving.  The result will be change as we die to our old self and are renewed in our new self.

There is much to share from the story of Lazarus.  I would like to focus on the grave cloths.  We read that Jesus was deeply moved in spirit and troubled, as he wept  at the grave of Lazarus.  Others who observed Jesus remarked  “See how he loved him!”  Men, Jesus weeps at the condition our hearts when we remain hidden in our deep caves of despair, self-pity, inferiority and guilt.  He comes into those places, calling us by name, wanting us to come out.  Why might you be hiding from the voice of love calling to you?

So Jesus asks that the large stone be rolled away.  He did not do it himself, but asked those with him to do the work.  I hope you have a place where men are willing to roll the stones of pretense away, so that healing might happen.   I pray that this blog is a small contribution to moving the stones away.  After the stone is rolled away, Jesus say to Lazarus, as he says to us, “come out.”  Like Lazarus we have a choice – either stay in the cave or come out.  Men, what is holding you back?  The voice you here is the voice of love, inviting you to come forth.

Now coming out of the tomb is a messy affair.  Lazarus smelled badly after four days.  Can you picture him trying to walk in those tightly wrapped grave clothes.  He must have stumbled and felt rather foolish as others watch him come out of the tomb.  Men, let me tell you, transformation is a messy affair.  Remember, transformation is an “inside job.”  When you let the light of Jesus into your cave you will be called to come out.  That cave is a cramped, small space of your own making.  The voice of love, calls you to come out into the light, inviting you to exercise your freedom to walk.   But at first  it will be awkward and messy.  But always remember this – you need keep  walking toward Jesus – no matter what. Keep your focus on him.  Listen for his voice.

One other thing about those grave clothes.  Jesus did not take the grave clothes off.  He told those near the tomb, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”  What does this mean for men?  Find a community of men who are willing to “fight for your heart.”  We need help in getting those grave clothes off, especially those that are wrapped closest to our well constructed self-image.  We need loving brother to help us confess, surrender and let go of the old, so that we can walk into the new.

A book that deeply impacted my life in the 80’s was  Robert Bly’s “Iron John.”  I never forgot his discussion of  “soft males.”  “They’re not interested in harming the earth or starting wars.  There’s a gentle attitude toward life in their whole  being and style of living.  But many of these men are not happy.  You quickly notice the lack of energy in them.  They are life-preserving but not exactly life-giving.  Ironically, you often see these men with strong women who positively radiate energy.”

I was convicted.  You see, I have a people pleasing personality.  I can easily get trapped into being an enabler (life-preserving).  I want to be a niece guy who gets along with everyone.   But after reading about the soft male, I began to cry out to God to form in me a strong, courageous heart so that I might be “life-giving.”  I desired to be a man of conviction, who had a servant’s heart, being able to be vulnerable from a place of inner strength.  I wanted to have a strong heart, so that I would have the courage to practice “downward mobility.” with others.

Men,  let me ask you? Are you more into life-preserving rather than life-giving.  Do women who “radiate energy” threaten you? The present cultural climate effectively squeezes  men into a very uncomfortable and limited stance of being “soft males.”  Listen to Phillips’ translation of Romans 12:2, “Don’t let the world around you squeeze you into it own mold, but let God re-make you so that your whole attitude of mind is changed.  Thus you will prove in practice that the will of God’s good, acceptance to him and perfect.”   I am convinced that a man who is desiring to follow Jesus in our day, will have to be first “inner directed” before he is “outer directed.”  The energy that Bly refers to comes from deep within our spirit.  It emerges from a heart that practices the “cruciform” life daily, that is,  death to our old ways (life-preserving) , and the birth of new life in Jesus (life-giving), radiating up from within.

Navigating  a lifestyle that reflects both strength and vulnerability (tough and tender) is not easy.  Voices within the church call for for men to be either “tough” or “tender.”  Men are confused as to which they should be.  I say we are to be both (tough and tender).  But it begins with death to our old self (sin patterns)  and the ways we have visualized being a man.  Jesus taught that  wel become life giving when we are willing to die. Listen to his words, “…Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed.  But if it dies, it produces many seeds.  Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life” (John 12:24-25).  Men, the new life of Jesus that can radiates up through your soul, will produce a man who is both tough and tender, because it will reflect the character of Jesus.

When I am reading, I often run across a quote that I sense will speak to men on the journey.  This quote is from William McDavid.  “Being loved with weaknesses, being truly loved and being self-sufficient are in conflict.  Being loved, at its height, means being loved within our weakness and failures, being loved in a way that is simultaneous with being known.  But being self-sufficient means pretending those weaknesses do not exist, it entails performing and earning.”  Other than scripture, this is a quote worthy of a place on your mirror when you shave each morning.  As someone who has labored on the journey for many years, this quote is “pure manna” for the souls of men.

When I read this quote I was reminded of the Apostle Paul, boasting of his weakness.  “If I must boast, I will boast of  the things that show my weakness” (II Cor11:30).  Again he says of himself, “I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses”  (II Cor 12:5).  Paul could live vulnerably because of  his assurance of God’s grace in his life. “But he (Lord) said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me” (II Cor 12:9).  In all of his difficulties he learned that “when I am weak, then I am strong” (II Cor 12:10).

Why is this quote “manna” for our souls.  My comments are the result of a great deal of “trial and error” on the journey to a more integrated sense of my masculinity.  First, I need to let my guard down.  My self-sufficiency  leaves me lonely and isolated from God, myself and others, in a dark cave of isolation.  In my self sufficiency I cancel out the grace of God that has the power to bring healing to my frightened and insecure heart. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  So, Al keep your wounded heart open to the grace of God.  His power will show through my weaknesses.

Secondly, when I am willing to  dismantle my protective wall, I am surprised that God truly loves me within my weaknesses and failures.  Not till I open my heart to the love of God, do I come the wonderful realization that God loves the real me, in all my “stink.”  If God loves you the way you are, Al, the real you, its makes it easier to  accept the real me; the good, the bad and the ugly.

Thirdly, I realize that my “performing” for God, that is, my pretending is really a cover for failing to accept my weaknesses. I have spent too much time and energy trying to “earn” God’s favor.  It is wonderful to just rest and relax in his love as a “beloved sinner.”  God give me grace to “boast” in my weakness, because that is when I will experience your  power  make perfect in my life.

Recently I read two articles, each containing a statement that I thought was  insightful for those of are followers of Jesus in our present day culture. The first was from Robert P. George, professor of jurisprudence at Princeton University and a professing Christian.  He stated:  “The days of acceptable Christianity are over.”  He observed that our society calls Christian beliefs bigoted and hateful.  “They despise us if we refuse to call good evil and evil good.”  The other was by a theologian, Russell Moore.  He reflected on the “loss of the illusion of a majority in this country,”  referring to the Christian point of view.  Yet he went on to say that this was a good thing for the gospel and for the church.

What do you think men?  Are the days of acceptable Christianity over?  Do some believers live with the illusion that Christianity is still a majority expression in our culture?  I was reminded of Jesus’ words in his dialogue with Pharisees, “You have a saying that goes, ‘Red sky at night, sailor’s delight; red sky at morning, sailors take warning.’  You find it easy enough to forecast the weather – why can’t you read the signs of the times?  And evil and wanton generation is always wanting signs and wonders. The only sign you’ll get is the Jonah sign.” (Matt 16:3-4 – Message).   How do you read “the signs of the times?”  Our clearest sign, Jesus tells us, will be that of Jonah, that is, the death and resurrection of Jesus.

This brings me to one of my on-going mantras with men.  “You can’t go wrong when you keep your focus on Jesus”.  Why? Because Jesus holds all things together. “He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” (Col 1:17) Jesus is the center. When the center holds, everything else will find its rightful place.  As men we are wired to look at the big picture.  I don’t know about you, but when I try to make spiritual sense out of the big picture in our culture,  I can get discouraged and defensive.  So I have to catch myself and get back to the center (Jesus).

The following two postures have been helpful for me.  First, I stop and give thanks that I belong to the kingdom of God.  We read in Rev 5:10, “You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God, and they will reign on earth.’  Jesus has been given authority to establish his kingdom reign on the earth.  We now are spiritually part of this kingdom.  We live in the “in-between” period.  One  day we will reign with Jesus on the earth.  We are at war, but we know the outcome.  Men, we are overcomers.  ‘This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith”.” (I John 5:4)

The second posture is part of the prayer Jesus taught us to pray (Lord’s prayer).   I pray this often as intercessory prayer. I pray “your kingdom would come” and that “your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.”  Simply praying these two petitions keeps my focus on Jesus.  I’m encouraged by Paul’s words.  “If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter.  He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.” (Rom. 8:26 – Message).