Men reading this blog will gain some insight into the challenges Judy and I experience as we seek to be light in our world.  Jesus tells us, “I am the light of the world.  Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life” (John 8:12). We pray each day that we might reflect the “light of life.”  But it can be disconcerting when darkness enters our relationship inconspicuously.  That happened to us recently; unfortunately, I went “missing in action.” 

Judy and I believe in God’s order for marriage as described by Paul: “But there is one thing I want you to know.  The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God” (I Cor. 11:3 NLT).  This is quite a countercultural idea in our present day, but it has validity when both husband and wife believe this view of reality and desire to model that reality in their lives through mutual submission to each other.     

Paul’s words speak to a divinely ordained order or hierarchy.  With a servant’s heart for my wife, I accept the responsibility of headship.  This does not mean primarily authority and dominance, but rather service, providing among other things protection and discernment.  There are times when I go missing in action, unaware of what is happening spiritually.  Remember: light and darkness have to do with the spiritual realm.   

Our enemy hates the light, especially as it radiates through a godly marriage.  Paul exhorts us in Ephesians 5:8-9, “You groped your way through the murk once, but no longer.  You’re out in the open now.  The bright light of Christ makes your way plain. So no more stumbling around.  Get on with it!  The good, the right, the true – these are actions appropriate for daylight hours.  Figure out what will please Christ, and then do it” (Message).  The prince of darkness wants to take out our light – or at least dim its effect.

We were counseling another couple recently when I went missing in action. During our conversation I gave up attempting to contribute, not discerning the presence of darkness.  I let my wife carry the load while I stewed in my frustration, getting upset as my wife dialogued with the couple. 

Afterwards, I was on overload with all the words I had heard. I was agitated, confused and fearful – and only wanted to be left alone.  This was a victory for the darkness.  Finally, after regaining some spiritual balance, I asked Judy to pray for me. 

It became apparent that I had escaped emotionally: I was “missing in action.” See: Normative Male Alexithymia (5/17/21). The word “order” came to me. We had been broadsided by exposure to darkness.  Instead of staying engaged emotionally and spiritually, standing in the gap, praying for spiritual protection, I fled.  I left my wife exposed and vulnerable, while she was attempting to be gracious and caring.

My responsibility was to pray and engage as the head in our relationship.  Instead, I went missing in action.  The result was confusion, disorder, and doubt.  Thank God for an understanding wife.  We prayed for reestablishment of harmony, and protection from darkness in our relationship.

I now have new resolve to stand strong in the light, knowing “Satan disguises himself as an angel of light” (II Cor 11:14).  We are both aware that the enemy hates a marriage that radiates light.  Why?  Because marriage reflects the profound mystery, which is “Christ and the church” (Eph. 5:32).  The enemy desires to sow discord, confusion, and doubt.  

What does “normative male alexithymia” have to do with us?  It is a cultural attempt to name the difficulty men have putting their emotional experience into words.  Our ancestors would have joked about the need to label a characteristic that has been a part of the male makeup since the beginning of time.  Remember: even Adam failed in his communication with Eve when he was silent after Satan had tempted her (Gen. 3:1-10). 

I found this term in the May edition of Harper’s Bazaar, in an article entitled, “Men Have No Friends and Women Bear the Burden.”  The subtitle states, “Toxic masculinity – and the persistent idea that feelings are a ‘female thing’ – has left a generation of straight men stranded on emotionally-stunted islands, unable to forge deep relationships with other men.  It’s women who are paying the price.”

What got my attention was this: “It’s women who are paying the price.”  The article cited research from Brené Brown: “Whereas women experience shame when they fail to meet unrealistic, conflicting expectations, men become consumed with shame for showing signs of weakness… having hard conversations that involve vulnerability is something men often try to avoid.”  The article’s author noted, “Women continue to bear the burden of men’s emotional lives… For generations, men have been taught to reject traits like gentleness and sensitivity, leaving them without the tools to deal with internalized anger and frustration.”  

This article can be compared to one’s wife waving one of those beach flags indicating the surf is rough today – so proceed with caution.  When my wife waves the flag, I need to engage lovingly and wholeheartedly – and not avoid the warning.  I hope you can agree that too many wives carry more of the emotional load in their marriages.  Here are some takeaways from this article for Christian men.   

First, don’t be like Adam, who didn’t utter a word in his fateful moment with Eve.  Men, it is downright messy at times to dialogue with our wives.  You will usually feel on the short end of the discussion.  But you need to stay with it. Being “quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger” can be helpful (James 1:19). 

Second, admit that many of us are straight men stranded on emotionally-stunted islands.  Good models have been hard to find. But we can make a difference by asking God to make us tough and tender. “…Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Prov. 4:23). 

Third, cultivate male relationships.  One of the best ways to become emotionally involved with your wife is to get emotionally involved with other men.  Do yourself a favor and get into a men’s group that practices transparency. That will help you learn to share your emotions with your wife.  She will bless the group for “cracking” her man open.

Fourth, reject the label “toxic masculinity.” Yes, some men are toxic, but don’t allow the label to cloak you in shame.  Be committed to being a man who has both the Lion and the Lamb in his tank (John 3:29-30).  God can make you capable of deep, caring emotions when they’re needed. 

Finally, remember this from Leanne Payne: “To ask a man to become relationally aware, without being first of all secure in his maleness, is to ask a man to be less than a man.  It is in some way asking a man to act like a woman without first knowing what it is like to be a man.  A man must be sensitive from the heart of a truly secure man.” Amen to that!