Breakpoint recently featured an article on “radical monogamy.”  Radical monogamy, as described in Vice magazine is “an exclusive relationship commitment that’s chosen, not blindly accepted… Monogamy that is radical is chosen from among the many equally valid relationship options, including polyamory.”   It appears that even some who want to remain sexually open-minded would still prefer and choose a monogamous relationship.  

Proponents of radical monogamy “stress that the decision to remain in an exclusive relationship was made by themselves, and for themselves.”  This proposal reflects the cultural view of seeing freedom “only as freedom from any and all restraint.” The significant moral flaw of radical monogamy “is to suggest it’s only valid if it’s what I want, rather than because it is morally superior.”  It is still “the me first” emphasis found in the sexual revolution. 

Of course, a biblical view of monogamy is built on an exclusive commitment of a man and woman, who  choose before the Lord to make a lifelong commitment to one another (Judy and I are on year 56).  Jesus tells us when a man and woman marry, “the two will become one flesh” (Matt 19:5).  Then he gives this  warning, “Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (v. 6).  I would call this “faithful” monogamy, rather than “radical.” 

This was the Creator’s plan from the beginning, in creating “male and female.”  Marriage was his gift to us.  Monogamy has divine origins going back to creation.  Viewed from a cultural perspective, God’s intention for monogamy goes far beyond our cultural norms, making it truly radical.  Jesus clearly states, “So they are no longer two, but one” (v. 6).  

Even more radical is God’s intention for a man and woman becoming one flesh to reflect Jesus’ love for his church.  Paul describes this relationship as a mystery.  “This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church” (Eph. 5:32).  This is beyond radical; it is a mystery.  Men, you will never fully understand your own marriage.  It’s a profound gift. 

Since God’s intention is for our marriage to reflect Jesus’ relationship to his church, He gives men some sober instructions: “Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church – a love marked by giving, not getting.  Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty.” (Eph. 5:25-26 – Message).  That’s radical.

Pope John Paul II gave the church a wonderful study of Eph. 5:31-33 in his “Theology of the Body.”  The Pope’s thesis:  “Only the body is capable of making visible the spiritual and the divine.  It has been created to transfer into the visible reality of the world, the mystery hidden from eternity in God and thus to be a sign of it” He maintains that the union of man and woman is meant to proclaim and participate in the “great mystery” of Christ’s union with the church.  

Further, the Pope declares that a faithful marriage of two being one flesh can have a prophetic message in our post-Christian culture.  Imagine such a dimension to your marriage.  I personally embrace the idea that my marriage can be prophetic within the culture. 

This presents a challenge for men:  1) the enemy does not want marriage to reflect Jesus’ love for the church.  It will be a fight.  2) It will take all you have spiritually to love your wife as Jesus loved the church.  You will need a lot of grace.  3) You will truly be countercultural in your lifestyle.  There is a price to pay.  Are you up the challenge?

Cave of the Heart is the title song of a John Michael Talbot album from l999.  I have always been intrigued by the lyrics repeated throughout the song:  “You are seated in freedom in the cave of the heart.”  I am challenged by certain words: “Silence your heart/Silence your soul/stilling your senses/with single-minded devotion.”  I have been troubled by some as well: “How can the troubled mind/understand his ways?/If your thoughts are troubled/You cannot find the wisdom.”  

I can also identify with particular words: “Like a fish out of water/Stranded upon the shore/Thoughts thrash and they quiver/How can you shake off the chains of desire.”  If only I could deal with these deep, mysterious desires that come from deep in the cave of the heart.  “They tremble unsteady/They wander at will/It is good to control them/To master them it will bring you joy.”  

St. John of the Cross talked about the “caverns” of the soul.  He is calling  attention to the deepest places of the soul; to our center where God dwells. “For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God” (Col. 3:3). The capacity of the soul is infinite. It is beyond consciousness and beneath our understanding and experience. “These caverns are deep because the object of this capacity, namely God, is profound and infinite…their capacity is infinite, their thirst is infinite, their hunger is also deep and infinite…”   

I have a new appreciation for the “capacity” of my soul.  While finding new freedom, I still shy away from the depths of my soul. The caverns remain shrouded in darkness because I can neither comprehend nor manage what is found in these deep places.  It is a space that contains the story of my life, including painful memories and long forgotten vows which still hold a tight grip on my responses to everyday life.

Men, you might not like to be reminded of the “cave of the heart.”  But it is found at your center, dictating more of your conscious life then you would care to admit.  Remember Jesus told us, “It’s what comes out of a person that pollutes: obscenities, lusts, thefts, murders, adulteries, greed, depravity, deceptive dealings, carousing, mean looks, slander, arrogance, foolishness – all these are vomit from the heart. There is the source of your pollution” (Mark 7:20-23 – Message).  

Here is a confession:  It  happened recently – again – with my wife. I had a strong negative response during two separate conversations we had with others.  I shut down emotionally. I became quiet, not wanting to communicate.  I tuned out…   

I also felt confusion, condemnation, and shame. What was happening?  Pollution was coming from the cave of my heart.  By God’s grace, through the circumstances in my life, the pollution was coming to the surface.

Praise God, I am now admitting my struggle to my wife.  I cannot blame her for the way I responded.  I want to be honest in my responses and bring the pollution from the cave into the light.  Confession helps get rid of it.  I still don’t fully understand, but I feel more freedom in my responses.  I’m now more aware of the pollution and its causes. In this case it had to do with my mother. 

My point in this is that confession allows the pollution from the cave of the heart to come more into our consciousness.  It will begin to loosen its grip on the soul, allowing for discernment rather than reaction.  Pray with David (and me), “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts” (Psalm 139:23).