Author Rollo Tomassi recently discussed with Dr. Phil how an entire generation of “lost boys” (young men) are neglected and demonized for being males. Dr. Phil asked Tomassi, “What do you mean when you say media celebrates masculinity as equally acting feminine?”  Tomassi responded, “…The only time that the mainstream media will ever celebrate masculinity is when you see The Rock in a tutu… Whenever you see men behaving conventionally feminine, that’s when the media decides to celebrate them… yet when a guy is acting in a conventionally masculine way, we do not celebrate that. They find some way to demonize that.” 

Tomassi went on, saying, “We have a generation of what we call “lost boys” right now. They don’t have a father figure; they don’t have any guidance – whether it’s masculinity or much else for that matter.”  Men seem to be “sedated” by society via escapism through alcohol, pornography, and video games because their lives are miserable.  Men have a hard time asserting their identities in a society that often seems to demonize masculinity itself.”  

“Deaths of despair” are more common because “society has so few mechanisms or institutions that are looking out for the welfare of men as a distinct group.”  Tomassi adds, “We constantly harp on the fact that men… don’t have close friends, don’t have the same network that women do… and then we put the blame for their mental health back on them by saying ‘its toxic masculinity.’”  

Tomassi had an insightful observation that any male who watches football could appreciate: “If women were killing themselves at four times the rate that men are, you would have a dedicated month and the NFL would change their uniforms to pink or something else so that we would have some sort of female suicide prevention month. But we don’t see that right now, because we blame it on toxic masculinity.” 

As a male who is past 80, having worked on the integration of his masculine soul for over forty years, and who is now living as a male in a terribly confused culture, I happen to enjoy watching both pro and college football. It’s a form of relaxation. And yes, I confess that it helps me escape the real world.  Some men take football too seriously, and it almost borders on idolatry. But I try to monitor myself so it remains a pastime and doesn’t become an obsession. 

I wonder if there aren’t men who quietly resent an intrusive influence of the feminine into what has traditionally been a man’s world. The phrase “C’mon man” expresses the commitment to brotherhood.  Men (like women) love competition and teamwork within their gender.  Men (like women) work and sweat to finish strong and come out victorious. But the phrase “I love ya, man,” says even more. NFL Films shared a clip on how often that phrase is shared among pro football players. The feminine voice seems a little alien, however, adding nuances that don’t necessarily understand the masculine soul.  Masculinity may not always be wholesome, but it is not “toxic.”  Don’t demonize their brotherhood.  

Men learn to be a man from other men. What we need desperately in our culture are “male mothers”  – men who have integrated their masculine souls (Richard Rohr). They have a healthy sense of their own masculine but have also integrated the feminine. They are not threatened by strong women but confidently express a healthy masculine presence that is both tough and tender. These men know the value of Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

I was gripped by a recent article in The Daily Citizen titled The Cross as a Crisis of Fatherhood.  We have just observed Holy Week. Never in my memory has our nation been so confused and conflicted about gender.  The struggle of gender identity has been transformed from preferences to the sudden rise of “trans” violence, bringing a whole new level of savagery to our nation. Then I read this insightful article about Jesus experiencing abandonment by his Father.  

The article ends with this: “We should remember this: Fatherhood is of deep spiritual consequence and Satan hates it.  No wonder it is under such attack, not just in the Cross on Good Friday, but in our culture and families today as well.”

On Good Friday, we observe a crisis in Fatherhood: “How do you wound a father more than killing his only, dearly beloved son?” In Matthew and Mark, Jesus’ last words were “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”  Just before Jesus breathed his last, Luke tells us, He “called out in a loud voice…’Father into your hands I commit my spirit.’” John simply writes, “It is finished.” 

In Matthew and Mark, Jesus does not use the intimate term “Father” but rather a more impersonal term “My God.” Why? “The Son, utterly forsaken by even His Father, declares it is finished and the world turns dark. A profound, mysterious crisis of Fatherhood. For the first time – and the last – in all eternity, the perfect intimacy between… Father and Son was severed in some profound way.”

Richard John Neuhaus explains, “Here is the cry of dereliction, the cry of abandonment, from the derelict, the abandoned one.”  He adds, “The Greek word used suggests that [Jesus] screamed with a loud cry, ‘My God, my God, for what reason have you forsaken me?'”  Dereliction describes the desperation of Jesus.  The Daily Citizen observes, “There is real relational pathos going on here on the cross.”

Neuhaus continues, “Like a derelict boat cast upon the shore, like a dog carcass lying by the roadside, here is something no longer of any account; it is forsaken, abandoned, thrown aside. Roadkill.”  When Jesus was in agony in the garden, sweating drops of blood, The Daily Citizen suggests, “At its heart, Christ’s profound agony and anxiety were likely rooted in a more intense pain: His impending separation from the Father.”

Satan believed he had achieved victory.  By “dividing the eternally loving Father and Son… the Evil One attacked fatherhood at its core.  And Jesus felt it viscerally.  It is contained in the Savior’s desperate last words.”  But we know the rest of the story: “A glorious union happened in the Resurrection and the Ascension.  Satan was not ultimately victorious.”  

Men, picture Jesus dying for you.  “…It was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down… He was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins” (Is. 53:4-5 NLT). Today you might feel “forsaken, abandoned, thrown aside.”  In these nasty “gender wars” you might feel like “roadkill.”  Remember the enemy wants you to feel abandoned like Jesus. He wants to destroy your sense of manhood, especially if you are a father. 

Jesus endured relational pathos and forsakenness for you.  Satan gave it his best shot, thinking he had gotten rid of Jesus. But he never envisioned resurrection energy flowing through our bodies. Men, you are not abandoned.  Don’t believe the lie being perpetuated in our culture.  You have a loving Father in heaven, who came and rescued you from your loneliness, allowing resurrection power to reside in you. Claim it!