My journey as a follower of Jesus, in the fourth quarter of my life, has been influenced by the Carmelite spiritual stream of the Catholic Church, especially St John of the Cross. I have needed help to making St John relevant in my life. I have found help in the person of Fr. Donald Haggerty in his teachings on contemplative prayer. One of his books “Contemplative Enigmas” includes a quote from Saint Edith Stein, a Jewish convert to the Catholicism. Here is her quote.
“We are a spiritually impoverished generation; we search in all the places the Spirit ever flowed in the hope of finding water. And that is a valid impulse. For if the Spirit is living and never dies, he must still be present wherever he once was active forming human life and the work of human hands. Not in a trail of monuments, however, but in a secret, mysterious life. He is like a small but carefully tended spark, ready to flare, glow and burst into flame the moment he feels the first enkindling breath.”
Personally, I have been struggling in my twilight years to become more of a “soulful” man. I have always been a “heart” person, that is, someone who is more in touch with his emotions then with his “head.” I connect first with heart, then head. Even so, I have been reluctant to become aware of my inner life. In my cry for transparency and authenticity, I have come to realize that I have been more of a “surface” man rather than a “soulful” man. My time in retirement, having a home in a senior apartment complex, has given me ample opportunity to practice “soul care.” It has been both liberating and painful. But my wife (my spiritual director) thinks I am making progress.
I have learned to embrace such terms as “longing, desire, thirst, and hunger” in my walk with the Lord. After 40 years of being exposed to the teaching of St John of the Cross on the spiritual life, I am finally making some connections in my walk with the Lord. The concept of “The living flame of love” speaks to my longing for God. Deep within my soul the presence of the Lord is like a flame of love, waiting for me to discover the depths of His love for me.
The Palmist wrote, “As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God” (Ps 42:1-2a). In his poem, St John puts it this way. “O living flame of love / that tenderly wounds my soul / in its deepest center! / Since now you are not oppressive, now consummate! / If it be your will / tear through the veil of this sweet encounter!” My interpretation – “God you have come to my deepest center in love. You call me your beloved. But I have a hard time knowing your love for me. Brake through the veil of my ignorance so that I may rest in your love.” This for me is a lifelong process. John has helped me.
One more passage from the “flame of love.” “How gently and lovingly you wake in my heart / where in secret you dwell alone; /and in your sweet breathing, /filled with good and glory / how tenderly you swell my heart with love.” My interpretation – If I am still and listen to my soul life, I become more aware of His love for me which “passes all understanding.” I don’t understand or fully discern His love for me, but I have the assurance beyond my comprehension that I am His beloved.
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