Page 187 of 372
Recently, while going through some old papers, I came across a poem by D.H. Lawrence that spoke to me some years ago. I was amazed at how it still speaks to my heart today.
I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self,
And the wounds to the soul take a long, long time, only time can help
And patience, and a certain difficult repentance,
Long, difficult repentance, realization of life’s mistake,
And the freeing oneself from the endless repetition of the mistake
Which mankind at large has chosen to sanctify.
When I re-read these words almost 20 years later, I realize the spiritual journey is a process of going deeper into the same wounded emotions, diseased attitudes, and default patterns of sin. Paul knew this well. “It happens so regularly and it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge” (Rom 7:21-23 MSG).
In his frustration Paul cries out, “Is there no one who can do anything for me?” (Rom. 7:24 MSG). Then he answers his own question with thanksgiving for God’s provision. “The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different” (Rom 7:29 MSG).
Over the past 20 years, I have learned to embrace my fallen nature without falling into ditches on either side of the road. One is trying to understand and “fix” my faults out of my own strength. The second is resignation and despair in not being able to make a certain spiritual grade. Even as I write, I sense the freedom to acknowledge, “I am ill because of wounds to my soul.” These wounds take a long time to heal. Lawrence’s poem talks of patience, allowing for “a certain difficult repentance.”
I want to encourage each man reading this blog in finding freedom from “the endless repetition of the mistake.” I exhort you to keep your eyes on the One who loves you unconditionally and to not fall in line with the patterns of the culture which “mankind at large has chosen to sanctify.” Accept that you are still a work in progress.
My focus at this stage of my journey is not on my incapacity to do God’s will, but my capacity in Christ. Paul says it well, “I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (Phil. 4:13). That’s capacity. Instead of sulking in my incapacity, I put my trust in God, who gives me the capacity to accomplish his will (it’s all grace).
For too long I have limited the horizon of my spiritual life, having spent years shriveled up in a corner, nursing my self-pity and fear of exposure. Now I am learning to celebrate the depth of God’s love for me despite my failures.
My cry is for God to be merciful as I continue to find freedom “from the endless repetition” of my mistakes, God is giving me the capacity to receive not his condemnation but his love. There is a new capacity to just be me… in Christ.
Devotions from Judy’s heart
Devotions from Judy’s heart
When we come to know the Lord, it is a wonderful beginning of a life to be lived for Him. It isn’t like we have arrived but rather the start of our journey to become more like Him. One might think that everything will be easy and comfortable but much of the journey is difficult with troubles; these are not to trip us up but to help us grow and become strong. But it isn’t all about us either, for we are called to serve Him in the world in which we live. He has given everything for us, what will we do for Him? How will we live and serve others is an indicator of a life given to God. Jesus said we would be known by the fruit in our lives. Our whole lives should be involved with Him—our marriage, our children, our schedules, our relationships, our jobs and money. He wants all of us and our whole life. Some seek a long and comfortable and prosperous life but it is more important to have a full live lived for God. I have been reading the lives of people who gave everything for the cause of Christ; people like William Carey, Jim Elliot, David Brainerd, Mary Slessor and a host of others who sacrificed their lives but experienced the joy of saying yes, to what God called them to do. Jim Elliot and wife went to minister among the Auca Indians of Ecuador and Jim was martyred, along with four other missionaries. When his wife later read his journal he had written, “God, I pray Thee, light these idle sticks of my life that I my burn up for Thee. Consume my life, my God for it is Thine. I seek not a long life but a full one, like you Lord Jesus.” When we were young my mom read us missionary stories and at various times missionaries stayed at our home. We prayed for them and heard their stories as they loved to share what God was doing in the country they were called to. They gave up a comfortable life and yet experienced incredible joy. Our lives are full when we surrender our own plans and live to serve the Lord out of hearts of love. In Eph. 5:2 (The Message) it says, “Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with Him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of Himself to us. Love like that.” Are we willing to give up all for Him?
Hope you are keeping warm and snug. We woke up to -28 today and are glad we don’t have to go anywhere today.
Blessings on your day and prayers and love, Judy
Recent Comments