Parents.com and the New York Post have both reported,  “Young boys are reportedly feeling deprived of physical touch and affection, also know as “touch starvation.” It can  have a major impact on their emotional and social well-being. Experts like Drs Michael Thompson and Matt Engler-Carlson have noted, “American culture often discourages boys from experiencing nurturing touch, beginning in early childhood and reinforced by media and social norms.”  

The deep emotional, physical, and relational toll of affection deprivation has also been named as “skin hunger.”  The research of Dr. Kory Floyd has shown that “men who lack affectionate touch report higher rates of depression, anxiety, loneliness, and even immune system issues.”  There is a strong correlation between affection deprivation and mental and physical health problems.  “Boys who grow up without affectionate touch often internalize the belief that physical closeness is unmanly.  As they become fathers, these touch-deprived boys may struggle to express affection toward their own sons.  The  cycle repeats: men raised without touch become fathers who don’t hug

Boys who are physically affectionate with their fathers are less likely to struggle with substance abuse, have mental health struggles, criminal deviance, and are less likely to engage in sexual promiscuity.  Breaking this cycle will require intentional affirming that touch is compatible with masculinity.  Anthony Bradley noted, “By fostering emotionally safe spaces and challenging cultural taboos, we can help men reclaim a core part of their humanity and offer their sons what they themselves may have missed.” 

Parents should be encouraged to use positive touch intentionally and consistently as a way to foster emotional connection and security.   Creating a “family counter-narrative” regarding affection can be a buffer against many of the harmful cultural messages. “The truth is, much of America doesn’t really like boys – and in many cases, not even their own parents do.  This needs to change.”

The article listed the following strategies:  Overcoming personal discomfort with affection/ Using touch (like hugs) to soothe or connect/ Learning a child’s preferred form of physical closeness/ Normalizing touch through routines and modeling affectionate friendships/ Talking openly about healthy boundaries and cultural differences/ Negotiating age-appropriate forms of affection as boys grow older. 

Like many men, I grew up in a culture where men did not show physical affection.  My folks were  the second generation of Finnish immigrants.  They represented an ethic of responsibility and hard work.  They simply wanted to provide a healthy, safe environment for their families.  As the oldest in my family, I received little physical affection from my father.  I absorbed the message that grown men do not show outward affection.  It is interesting to note that many of my Italian buddies spoke openly about their affections and were very demonstrative in showing affection.

My personal struggle also involved being a “heart” relating man.  I learned to be shy and halting in sharing my affections in my family. When I read Bradley’s article, I certainly could identify with “touch starvation” and “skin hunger.”  I agree with the strategies listed above.  Over the years I learned to function in the male culture as a “feeling” guy.  It meant at times feeling out of place. But it also meant that I have helped men be comfortable with physical touch.

A word of caution on men and “touch starvation.”  Be genuine in sharing physical affection.  Knowing other men on a deeper level (heart) is helpful.  It is vital for men to develop deeper friendships.  My testimony –  genuine hugs can help a man release a great deal of his negative emotions.  There is something about hugging  each other that brings freedom.      

Anthony Bradley reflected on his experience being in college fraternities.  Bradley remembers the adventure of college of not knowing anyone.  It forced him to build relationships, confront discomfort, and develop resilience.  But for young men today, the sense of adventure seemed entirely absent. They are building their adult lives on one operating principle: “stay safe, stay familiar.” 

If a young man is to grow, he needs an “Abraham  experience.”  God told Abraham, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you” (Gen 12:1-3).  In other words, “leave everything you know and enter into something unknown – something filled of uncertainty, risk, and even danger.”

Bradley believes younger men are not being exposed to enough real risk, challenge, or responsibility to mature into capable men.  “We are engineering a culture that allows young men to extend the comforts of childhood indefinitely…. we insulate them from hardship with a steady diet of familiarity. safety, and predictability.”  He notes that throughout history, healthy societies require young men to separate….. break from the safety of childhood into the discomfort and danger of the unknown.” 

“Real adulthood,” observes Bradley, “does not emerge out of comfort – it is forged through separation and struggle.” In the Biblical narrative, God calls men out of comfort and into real risk.  It is demonstrated in the lives of Abraham, Elisha, Isaiah, Paul and Jesus.  “These individuals grew not because they avoided danger, but because they endured it.”  Manageable adversity builds “psychological immune system” and a form of “stress inoculation” By overcoming real challenges, young men can develop the resilience to face future adversities with greater confidence and stability. 

Observing  Abraham and Moses we find a biblical pattern of just not brief discomfort but rather a prolonged wilderness.  Character formation requires real exposure.  We are then forced to fall on our knees and cry out to God for help.  Bradley is very pointed when he says, “I struggle to trust any man who has never been driven to his knees in desperate need.”  He quotes Michael Meade: “If the fires that innately burn inside youths are not intentionally and lovingly added to the hearth of community, they will burn down the structures of culture, just to feel the warmth.” 

Bradley then observes, “We see this playing out everywhere: young men channeling their untapped need for danger and purpose into destructive outlets – addiction, escapism, ideological extremism, crime, sexually assaulting women, and perpetual adolescence.”   The journey to manhood has never change.  It involves, “separation, struggle, vulnerability, and return.”  Bradley gives this challenge, “If we want our sons to become the kind of men who can lead, love, and sacrifice, we must allow them to suffer.  We must send them into the wilderness – not to destroy them, but to make them.” 

I am so thankful that my parents let me go, when I went out to California in 1960 as a young man of 20.  I grew and matured as a man through the “hard knocks” of life.  I remember period of loneliness, despair and great insecurity as a young man.  I came to know Jesus out in California, found a wonderful future wife, and surrounded myself with fellow believers.  Mentors such as Maynard Force and Pastor Hax pointed the way for me.  

Those early years in California and then in college, forced me to grow up into manhood.  It was difficult because of all my insecurities.  I remember well the words of Eccl 12:1 “Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, ‘I find no pleasure in them.'”