Recently I read an article entitled, “The solution to the ‘Emotional Labor’ problem.” It convicted me as a husband, married to the same woman for 60 years to be more “tenderhearted.”  Paul gives this exhortation in Eph 4:32, “Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” (Eph 4:32 NLT).  I’m also reminds in Col 3:12 of being clothed “with tenderhearted mercy.” The Message makes clear my need to be dressed in the proper wardrobe relationally with my wife. “So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline” (Col. 3:12 MSG).  I wonder how many of married men need to work on their emotional wardrobe at home.  I am challenged to do so, most every day.

The article quotes a little known British singer-songwriter, Paris Paloma’s song “labor” which skyrocketed in popularity in the UK.   The lyrics include: “All day, every day, therapist, mother, maid/ Nymph, then a virgin, nurse, then a servant/ Just an appendage, live to attend him/ So that he never lifts a finger/ 24/7 baby machine/ So he can live out his picket-fence dreams/ It’s not an act of love if you make her/ You make me do too much labor.”  One review observed, “the song’s explosive, furious lyrics struck a chord with millions of young women at the end of their tether who have used the track to share their own experiences of misogyny, and the need for an avenue to direct the fury that’s been smoldering inside them.”    

It sure made me wonder if I was guilty of causing my wife to carry an “emotional load.”  Social scientist Katie Jgln is quoted, “It’s not just the amount of domestic labor that women in relationships with men have to do that exhausts us – it’s all the emotional and cognitive labor too.”  She describes the burdens of maintaining relationships with men, usually includes, “regularly checking on their day and feelings, being mindful of their changing moods and regulating your emotions accordingly, or even helping them out in their relationships with other people.”  

The assumption is that men cannot be trusted to manage their own emotions.  Men are viewed as failing to adequately process their emotions – so that women must pick up the slack.  There is a fine line when women are taught to accept as their duty from an early age – keeping the peace while not upsetting their partner.  But this “emotional monitoring” can be a tiresome effort to keep the peace in a relationship.   

The author of the article, Emily Starr Kwilinski sees a better way of dealing with the issues of “emotional Labor.”  “Rather than accepting unhealthy relationship patterns, women can choose to let go of culturally conditioned distrust.  We can put down emotional burdens that aren’t ours to carry, stepping forward into the kind of self-respect that allows men and women to relate to one another more freely.”

I thought of Paul’s words in Eph 4:2-3, “Always be humble and gentle.  Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.  Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.”  

Lord, help us as men to graciously carry our emotional load in marriage and not expect our wives to “fix” what only God can heal in our broken male hearts.  Help us to be “grown men” who can face our relational faults, being humble enough to admit we fail to be “tenderhearted” because of our immature attitudes to our wives.  Paul reminds us, “He who loves his wife loves himself” (Eph 6:28)