I have been enduring some storm tossed days in my soul life It has been dark and cloudy. I struggle with conflicting thoughts about who I am and what I am doing with my life. I want to be a light for Jesus in my present surroundings, but I am haunted with doubts about my own faithfulness.
I have learned to accept inner storms as a normal part of my spiritual journey. Years ago, I was reluctant to acknowledge the frequent storm occurring in my inner life, since I felt I had matured enough to be able to have clear sailing. But I have learned as I journey along, storm will appear unexpected. The storms, allowed by the Lord are a natural part of my spiritual growth. I only learn by going through the storm, not by pretending it isn’t there.
I share my struggle because I got some encouragement from a recent blog by Ron Rolheiser. It helped give expression to my experience of the “dark night.” “Jesus,” notes Rolheiser, had a cosmic image for this experience. “The sun will be darkened, the moon will not give forth its light, stars will fall from heaven, and the powers of heaven will be shaken” (Matt. 25:29). When Jesus refers to these words from Isaiah, he is not describing only cosmic cataclysms, but also a cataclysms of the heart. “Sometimes our inner world is shaken, turned upside down; it gets dark in the middle of the day, there’s an earthquake in the heart; we experience the end of the world as we’ve known it.”
I say “amen.” Rolheiser goes on the talk about “a dark night of the soul,” an experience of the soul life that I have have spent almost forty years of trying to understand. Discussing St. John of the Cross, he writes, “God takes away the pleasure and consolation and we experience a certain dark night in that where we once felt fire, passion, consolation, and security, we will now feel dryness, boredom, disillusion, and insecurity. For John of the Cross, all honeymoons eventually end.”
Why does the honeymoon need to end? Rolheiser suggests, “on a honeymoon, too often we are more in love with being in love and all the wonderful energy this creates than we are in love with the person behind all those feelings. The same is true for faith and prayer. When we first begin to pray seriously, we are often more in love with the experience of praying and what it’s doing for us than we are in love with God.” Therese of Lisieux used to warn: “Be careful not to seek yourself in love, you’ll end up with a broken heart that way.”
Years ago, I finally came to the realization that the honeymoon stage of my journey was over. I was like a child who always expected candy from his father. My heavenly Father was weaning me of the “sweet” experiences of prayer with its “sugar highs.” I did not like giving up the familiar, while my heavenly Father was expecting me to live more like a maturing adult. The honeymoon was over. I was being led down a path meant for a more mature adult man.
Briefly, this is what I have learned thus far. 1) Realizing darkness, dryness and not knowing is normal. 2) God allows changes in the life of the soul for our growth. Our old self will resist. 3) God looks at the intention of our heart. Do we truly want to love Jesus more. 4) He will continue pursues us in love. 5) God will never give up on us. 6) Ultimately we surrender to his love as we mature.
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