Canaan's Rest

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov. 15:1).  This verse became more real to me recently after I spoke in a harsh tone to my wife.  There was no need for such a response.  I was simply frustrated.  In its footnotes, the NET Bible gives an alternative translation as “a soft answer.”  “The adjective ‘soft; tender; gentle’ is more than a mild response; it is conciliatory, an answer that restores good temper and reasonableness.”  I definitely was not conciliatory toward my bride. I was ill-tempered and unreasonable.  

By all accounts I had blown it with my attitude and especially with my tone of voice. It was harsh and condescending. I confessed my fault to my wife. That is spiritual progress for me. Usually, I would simply brush off my remark with an insincere “I’m sorry.”  But this time I was aware of the tone in my voice.  I was deeply convicted when my bride expressed “fear” that I might regress to giving her the old silent treatment.  My wife’s expression of “fear” was frankly shocking to me.

Men, it has taken me a lot of years to get to where I can confess to you my shameful attitude when I get frustrated.  I pride myself in being a caring guy.  I am not harsh and judgmental in my outward behavior toward others.  Yet my own wife can become fearful because of my harsh attitude.  That makes me a hypocrite. 

“Gentleness” is a new watchword for me at home. There are six references to gentleness in scripture (NIV).  Gentleness is a fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5:22).  In Col. 3:12 there is the challenge to clothe “yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”  Paul appeals to believers “by the meekness and gentleness of Christ” (II Cor. 10:1). In Phil. 4:5, Paul exhorts us to “Let your gentleness be evident to all” (Phil 4:5).   In I Peter 3:15, we are told to answer “with gentleness and respect.”

According to The Dictionary of Biblical Imagery, “Gentleness is an image of God’s ultimate subversive power that undercuts the power structures of the world.”  Jesus tells us to take his yoke and learn from him because he was “gentle and humble in heart” (Matt 11:29).  By doing so we would “find rest” for our souls.  Men, we can be subversive by being gentle and humble in relation to our wives.  

Paul urges us to live a life worthy of our calling as a follower of Jesus.  “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Eph. 4:2).  The first place I can practice being gentle is with my wife, since Paul tells us “He who loves his wife loves himself” (Eph. 5:28).   My harshness only shows how far I still have to go in loving my wife as my own flesh.

So how am I going to become gentler as a husband, father, or man – one who desires to give a gentle answer in an attitude of love and caring?  I know I will not succeed in every situation.  But I hope to improve in showing gentleness. Many of you could feel the same way.  

Here are three things I challenge us all to do, as we ask for grace to improve.  First, become aware of our attitude and tone of voice as we sincerely pray for a sensitive and gentler spirit.  Second, confess on the spot when we detect a lack of gentleness. Third, seek forgiveness when we fail, while asking our wives to pray for us.  We’re in this together!

There is a lack of “soul care” for men in the church.  More time is spent on the boundaries or circumference of our lives – thinking, managing, and trying to address issues in the church.  Instead of aiming at the soul, however, we tinker with religious performance, programs and activities.  I join the voices crying out in our contemporary spiritual wilderness for men to pay attention to their souls. This involves the “inner journey” to the center.  It is a call to what Augustine and Calvin called “the double knowledge” of “knowing God and knowing ourselves.”   

Moses sent 12 spies, one from each tribe, to explore the Promised Land and come back with a report.  Ten spies came back with the majority report, saying, “The people who live there are powerful and the cities are fortified and very strong.  We even saw descendants of Anak [giants] there” (Num. 13:28).  As a result, they, “spread among the Israelites a bad report about the land they had explored” (Num. 13:32). 

The people complained, “Where can we go?  Our brothers have made us lose heart.  They say, ‘The people are stronger and taller that we are; the cities are large, with walls up to the sky; we even saw the Anakites there'” (Deut. 1:28).  Moses pleaded with them, “Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them.  The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert.  There you saw how the Lord your God carried you as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place” (Deut. 1:29-31). 

Caleb and Joshua, however, brought back a minority report.  After quieting the people, Caleb declared, “We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it” (Num. 13:30).  Joshua then declared to the entire Israelite assembly, “The land we passed through and explored is exceedingly good … do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will swallow them up.  Their protection is gone, but the Lord is with us.  “Do not be afraid of them” (Num. 14:7-9).   Because of their positive report, God declared Caleb and Joshua would survive the plague that brought death to the 10 spies who brought back the bad report.

My concern is that we are paying too much attention to a majority report about “giants” in the land. For men, many of our giants are not without but within: overeating, addictions, sexual fantasy, pornography, fear, shame, inner wounds, etc.  I think you get the idea. 

These are the giants we need to face and defeat.  But we need groups of men who believe in “soul care.”  We cannot conquer these inner giants alone.  This battle takes time.  It will be a process.  We need brothers to stick with us as we face the giants.

Concerning the Israelites who believed the majority report, God said, “Not one of them will ever see the land I promised on oath to their forefathers.  No one who has treated me with contempt will ever see it.  But because my servant Caleb has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly, I will bring him into the land…”(Num. 14:23-24).  I pray that you will join me in striving to be a Caleb.  Men need encouragement, not to flee from or deny their inner giants, but to be willing to fight the good fight with other brothers.   

Suggested application: Seek out that kind of group – and don’t quit till you find it.