Rollo Tomassi, a podcaster and writer has been concerned about the crisis in masculinity for years, maintains that modern psychology is failing men because “modern psychology is by women for women.”  Appearing on Dr. Phil, he said, “Since the start of the Sexual Revolution, we’ve told men to ‘man down‘; yet modern psychology’s prescription for men is ‘man up,’ but only insofar as it benefits women’s interests.”  He maintains that all proposed male solutions are “gender-swapping female solutions.” This phenomenon does not allow for “a uniquely male solution largely because to do so would mean acknowledging fundamental differences in men’s evolved psychologies.”  

Men learn from other men how to relate as men and to “act like men” (I Cor. 16:13). Our mothers and other women can only take us so far.  Men need to hear, feel, and experience the male mode of feeling and grief from other men.  After all, we are different from women.  But like many men, l learned a mostly female mode of relating and dealing with pain (my mother’s influence and being a heart-type guy).  Men need an “AA” type of small group where men can share their pain as men.  What is said often at an AA meeting is, “You are as sick as your secrets.” This is a truth that most men can only explore with other men. Why?  Because the feminine voice in culture is too often screaming for men to “man up” from a feminine perspective. 

Often when modern psychology promotes “positive masculinity” some form of “negative” masculinity must also exist.  But it needs to be shouted from the rooftops of every home that being a man is not in itself “toxic.”  The American Psychological Association claims there are no major differences between men and women.  The AMA now considers traditionally masculine qualities such as stoicism and competitiveness as psychologically harmful to men.  Be aware, modern psychology, in general, is failing men.  

Recently, the Second Gentlemen Doug Emhoff, the husband of Vice President Kamala Harris, was interviewed on a major news outlet talking about too much “toxicity” in masculinity.  He vowed, “I am going to continue to use this platform every time I get to speak out against this toxic masculinity that is out there.”  He believes, “we’re kind of confused what it means to be a man, what it means to be masculine.”  

In my opinion, he did very little to help men in their confusion.  “You’ve got this trope out there where you have to be tough, and angry, and lash out to be strong.  I think it is just the opposite. Strength is how you show your love for people.  Strength is how you are for people and how you have their back and how you stick up for other people and pushing up and out against bullies.”  Again, we find in the Second Gentlemen’s perspective the unconcluded struggle between being tough and tender.  A man can be strong, determined, and resolved without being angry or vindictive.  But how can he?

Here is my simple advice: First, allow God to fashion your unique masculine soul.  Be open to God opening the flood gates of your soul.  Allow yourself to grieve your past, while giving yourself hope for tomorrow.  Healing of the soul takes time.

Secondly, allow God to shape your inner life to be a more compassionate, loving, sensitive man.  But this is vital: do it from your masculine soul, not shaped by outside feminine voices.  

Thirdly, build intimate fellowship with “soulful” men – men with open hearts.  Drink in the healthy masculine from other men. 

I recently preached during a Wednesday night Lenten service at my church.  The text was from Matthew 27:11-26, where Jesus is condemned to death by Pontius Pilate. For nearly 2,000 years, Christians have confessed the words of the Apostles’ Creed: “He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried.”  Jesus was crucified as a rebel against Rome. In an early sermon Peter reminds the people, “This is the same Jesus whom you handed over and rejected before Pilate, despite Pilate’s decision to release him” (Acts 3:13). 

N.T. Wright has observed, “Somehow, Jesus’ death was seen by Jesus himself, and then by those who told and ultimately wrote his story, as the ultimate means by which God’s kingdom was established.  The crucifixion was the shocking answer to the prayer that God’s kingdom would come on earth as in heaven.  It was the ultimate Exodus event through which the tyrant was defeated.  God’s people were set free and given their fresh vocation, and God’s presence was established in their midst in a completely new way for which the Temple was just an advance pointer.”

Wright says further that Jesus “could not establish the new creation without allowing the poison in the old to have it full effect.”  Before he could bring healing to our world, He would provide “the antidote to the infection that would otherwise destroy the project from within.”  Jesus would defeat evil by means of “the deeply subversive nature of his own kingdom– announcement.  He would defeat evil by letting it do its worst to him.”

A very contemporary phrase to use would be Jesus by his death and suffering was “draining the swamp.” Only Jesus could right all the wrong in our world – that is, drain all the puss out of the wounds of sin.  Contemporary political rhetoric will never get to the heart of this issue.  Paul provides us with this message to our divided world: “We’re Christ’s representatives.  God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God’s work of making things right between them.  We’re speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he’s already a friend with you.  How? you ask.  In Christ.  God put the wrong on him who never did anything wrong, so we could be put right with God” (II Cor. 5:20-21 – Message). 

Where do we start to straighten out all the problems with so much “crooked timber?”  Of course, it will never be fully corrected until Jesus comes back and makes all things new. This is our hope and confidence.  As followers of Jesus, we are on the right side of history.  John tells of seeing Jesus seated on the throne, declaring, “I am making everything new!” (Rev. 21:5).  Then he was told, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true” (Rev. 21:5).  We live in the in-between time when Jesus is “draining the swamp.”  We can hear “loud voices” in heaven declaring, “The kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our Lord and his Christ, and he will reign for ever and ever” (Rev. 11:15). 

Jesus’ suffering and death is our King defeating evil and beginning his reign on the earth.  The chorus from a new song by Shane and Shane entitled “You’ve Already Won” reminds us: “I’m fighting the battle/You’ve already won/No matter what comes my way/I will overcome/Don’t know what You’re doing/But I know what You’ve done/And I’m fighting a battle/You’ve already won.”

Men: stop striving and listen, “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still” (Ex. 14:14).